for my pretty friends...

Okay, I get it. It's January. You people are on this whole "New Year, New Me" kick, and I get it. And it's reflected in the seemingly endless "pins" on Pinterest that give you a list of 50 things to do before you get out of bed to get your dream body, a miracle diet for perfect abs, pictures of 115 pound 6 foot tall models in bikinis above a fat kid eating cake imploring you to choose which you will be (for the record, I'm the fat kid eating cake)... don't get me wrong- I'm all for "bettering yourself" and personal growth both mentally and physically, but is hopping out of bed to do 50 sit ups, 40 jumping jacks, 30 crunches, 20 minutes of planking, 10 eye rolls, and 5 slaps to the face really gonna make you happy?? If so, by all means, have at it sister! But, if you're like me and you know that you will do this for a day or two then lose hope and just quit- leaving you to feel like a failure, then why do it? Why make yourself miserable? And furthermore, why can't we look in the mirror and be happy with what we see? Please, do not misunderstand what I'm saying and think that I want everyone to eat HoHos (for the record, I don't even know what a HoHo is... never had one in my life. But, apparently, they are what dimply thighs are made of) and be Fatty McFattersons... I'm not saying to quit going to the gym or running or whatever your passion is. I'm not saying that fit and healthy or even just plain skinny is "bad" or "ugly". I'm not saying ANY of that. For those of you who can get up and spend 2 hours in the gym and eat an egg white and spinach omelette for breakfast with a protein shake and LOVE it- I admire you. Honestly. Because that used to be me. I was at the gym twice a day, every day, for a couple of years and adored it. I've worked as a personal trainer, I've been on health food kicks... but even then, I wasn't happy with my body. I think, as women, we are hardwired to seek out our flaws and magnify them by 1,000. I see pictures (more than likely photoshopped pictures, but regardless) of these teeny tiny women with six pack abs and perky little bottoms, and perfectly rounded breasts (which are abnormally large for someone who probably couldn't break triple digits soaking wet) and I'm envious. I think, for a moment, "that's what I wanna look like. I can do that. With enough discipline and motivation- I CAN DO THAT." And, I suppose I could. I still wouldn't look like that, though. And I still wouldn't be happy. Because I can remember a time when I was 18, before my body knew what it meant to "carry a child", when my max weight was 94 pounds. I was a size 0. Size 2 about one week out of the month. And I ate. Boy, did I eat. I was blessed with the Shealey metabolism which meant that I could eat a Super Sonic Cheeseburger, a foot long Chili Cheese Coney with extra cheese, a Coconut Creme Pie milkshake, and have a Coke with it and not gain a single pound. I was a skinny girl. People told me all the time "I would kill to be able to eat like you do and stay so tiny!!" I didn't realize what a blessing my metabolism was because it was all I knew. I had been like this from the day I was born. I, honestly, thought that everyone had the same ability to eat what they wanted and not gain weight so if they were overweight, it was their fault. I didn't know why, I just knew that it was. That was ignorant. But, even then, I didn't like the way I looked. I had NO BUTT (I know, hard to believe, but believe me... it's true), no curves whatsoever and I was jealous of those who looked like what I thought a "real woman" should look like. Now, this is where I suppose I'm supposed to say that I then had my first child and it all went downhill. I gained a massive amount of weight and have never gotten rid of the bulk of it. But, that's not the case. Actually, even though I gained a whopping SIXTY pounds while pregnant with Harley, I lost the majority of it fairly easily. I was breastfeeding, so the weight kind of just melted away. But, this is where the problem came in... I was terrified of being "skinny" again. I didn't want to be that tiny. I liked my new-found curves. I had a butt, for the first time in my life. To me, my ideal weight was around 120 and I didn't want to get below that. I remember stepping on the scale on day and seeing 121 and ran to the kitchen to eat everything I could find. I just knew that if I didn't, I would keep losing weight and that thought was really scary to me. I was tired of being told that I needed to "eat a cheeseburger", even though I had just eaten two. My issue was different from most girls in that I still saw "skinny" when I looked in the mirror, when in reality I was just fine. I didn't like "skinny". With each child, my metabolism has slowed a little more, to the point where I started to see myself as overweight. And, in reality, I never really saw myself as overweight until a very close friend of mine made a comment in front of me to someone else saying "Kayla is the only person that I know who can stay skinny an entire pregnancy, then blow up after the baby is born".... and that stung. Probably because it was true. I had only gained 6 pounds during my pregnancy with Braydon... but, after he was born I wasn't able to breastfeed for more than a few weeks for reasons related to sterilization surgery & pain medication, but the weight was slowly adding up. I was grazing all day, but not on healthy stuff. I'm from the south and we like butter and gravy and all kinds of stuff that will pile it on. When I cook, I go big. And, then I eat big. And I love my cooking so much, that I'll eat it all day. If that means that I have a big bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy for breakfast- so be it. (then again at lunch... and dinner... with oreos in between). So, by the time by baby was 6 months old, I weighed ten pounds more than I had the day he was born. (and on a 5'4" frame, ten pounds is fairly substantial... especially when there's no baby bump to hide it.) Truthfully, at the time, I thought she was just being a bitch. I knew what the scale said, but I was in denial that I was really gaining a significant amount of weight. Ten pounds... that could be water weight, right? (wrong.) Despite the fact that my pants were getting tighter, I still saw "skinny" in the mirror (I'm telling you, people, it sounds great, but that is not a good problem to have. Quite embarrassing, actually). The big moment of truth, for me, was at the end of April... after two weddings & I'm going through the photos to be edited, looking at the ones of myself thinking "I am NOT that big... why do I look that big in these pictures?" Now, don't get me wrong, I have never been what most consider to be "big", but what I was seeing in these pictures was not what I had been seeing in the mirror. And I knew that I had actually put on a few MORE pounds since these photos had been taken. So..... I knew I had to do something. I didn't go on some big crash diet. I drank a lot more water, had a lean cuisine or smart ones for lunch, and pretty much ate whatever I wanted for breakfast and dinner. I tried to be more active. Mainly going for walks in the afternoon, pushing the baby in the stroller. That was it. No more oreos... well, at least not a whole row of oreos. ;) I didn't give up the foods that I loved, because I knew that I could still have them at dinner (when I was most likely to over indulge, or eat with friends, or want a 1,000 calorie drink). I didn't work out to the point where I wanted to drop. Therefor, I didn't feel like a failure if I skipped a day or two. Because it wasn't a big adjustment to get right back in. What I did to "slim down" a little fit my personal lifestyle. I like food & I know I'm not going to give up eating what I love. I no longer care to spend time in the gym- I would rather be writing, or taking pictures, or playing with my baby, or (admittedly) watching the Kardashians on my dvr... Some call it lazy, I call it Me. So, maybe I'm lazy. (Okay, I am.) My point is this- even though I lost an amazing 20 pounds doing very little, I've gained some of it back.... and I'm not happy about it and will probably go back to what I was doing before and lose it again. Because that was a lifestyle change that worked for me. But, I'm not going to obsess over it. I get jealous when I see the skinny models. I am envious of my friends who can wear skin tight dresses and look super hot, when I can't... but, even when I was a "skinny girl"- I wasn't happy with the way I looked. When I was 120 pounds- I obsessed over my weight to the point where it became unhealthy, therefor I was unable to be happy with the way I looked. When I was a Hooters Girl and wore those super tiny orange shorts, I compared myself to all of the 18 & 19 year old kids I was working with and (even though I was at the gym every day!!) I still didn't like the way I looked. I was never as "in shape" as the girl next to me. And, now... I look back at pictures from each of those stages in my life and I see such insecurity. I've always been very extroverted and seemingly confident, but I suppose it was really just an act because I've never really considered myself a pretty girl. I still am not very good at taking compliments (although I do love them), but I am able to see something now that I didn't before. At the risk of sounding like Christina Aguilera- I am beautiful. I am. I'm not physically perfect, but I am beautiful. I have a big heart, but even on the outside--- I know that if I don't appreciate where I'm at right now, ten years from now I'm going to look back & want to kick myself thinking that I should have realized how beautiful I really was. (I know that, because that's the way I look at pictures of myself from 6 years ago, in those orange shorts... I was in a lot better shape than I realized). I just want you all to go look in the mirror. Seriously, do it. At some point today just go look in the mirror (a full-length on, preferably) and pick yourself apart. But, differently than you usually do. Instead of picking apart all of the bad things, think about all of the many little things that make you so beautiful. It doesn't make you cocky. These things are  YOU. And in order to be the confident woman that you can be, you need to recognize just how beautiful you really are. Think about something that maybe a man has complimented you on before. Even if you dismissed it. Think about that body part and dwell on that for a minute. That is beautiful. For me, it's my back. Most guys compliment my butt. It happens. Heck, I like my big ole backside. It's part of me, and part of what gives me my confidence. (I prayed for this butt... seriously. Such a silly thing to pray for, but I did.) But, once, I had a man that I was seeing tell me that I had a beautiful back... I thought it was ridiculous. Who compliments someone's back?? But, when I was searching, TRYING to find something (other than my rear) that I thought was beautiful, I recalled those words... and now I've come to love it. My back is beautiful. So, my stomach is imperfect. I'm not going to have a six pack. I know that. I'm not going to put forth the work that it takes to get it. That's fine. But, I also have pretty nice legs. The thighs, maybe not so much... but all in all, my legs look great in a dress and heels. Maybe you have AMAZING eyes, or even eyebrows. Maybe you have gorgeous full lips, or cheeks full of freckles, or perfectly shaped shoulders. Or maybe it's your back, or your hair, or your crooked smile. Heck, I even love my belly button. FIND things about yourself that you LOVE. And make a list. Write these things down, and tell yourself that you're beautiful. Because you are. I tell myself all the time that I have some of the prettiest friends out there. And I do. But, it doesn't do much good for me to know it. YOU have to know it. Yes, it's cheesy and cliche... but YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.   I would LOVE to hear some of the things that you know make you beautiful!!!