Sunday, March 24, 2013

Dear Mr. Robert Downey Jr.,


Or can I call you Bobby? Because I probably wouldn't. I actually intend to have that put in our wedding vows someday.

"Do you, Kayla Shealey Eldridge Brooks Shealey (because that's just funnier than Kayla Shealey), take this man, Robert Downey Jr., to be your lawful husband; To have and to hold, forsaking all others, and always calling him by him complete and full name- Robert Downey Jr.?"

I do. I will.

Forever and ever and ever and ever. And ever.

See... I have this weakness for... what?? What'd you think I was going to say? The bad boy? The troubled one?? That's not entirely true. I have a thing for the witty ones. And the borderline mysterious ones. And the sexy ones. The *trouble* with this, is that when you combine all of those things, you often end up with the bad boys...

And, I know, I'm trying to steer clear of that. Trying. HOWEVER. If you happen to see Mr. Robert Downey Jr... will you please let him know that there's just something about him doing the best almost-duckface ever :


that just turns me to mush. It just gets to me. I don't know why it does. But, really- I don't think it even needs an explanation. Especially when he also crinkles his nose up like this:


He's just so stinkin' adorable. And when he says things like:

I just wanna say "That's right, baby..."

Anyway. I can't say much more on this subject. I just started thinking about Iron Man 3...  then, obviously, 2 and 1... then every other movie I've ever seen him in and I just wanna give him eskimo kisses. I just do.

But, for now, I'll just settle with looking up images of this personification of physical perfection on pinterest...

Signed,
The Future Kayla Downey Jr




Thursday, March 7, 2013

I'm in shape (round is a shape)

Okay, I jest. I am not round. Anyone who has seen me knows this. However, on that same note- anyone who has seen me in shorts (or a bathing suit, or heaven forbid- naked!!) knows that I'm not "in shape" either. "Big boned" women run on one side of my family. "Rail thin" women comprise the other side. I didn't reach 100 pounds until my second trimester of pregnancy with Harley, but gained a WHOPPING 60 pounds by the time my daughter was born. After having been made fun of the majority of my life for being "skinny" (surely, I was anorexic or bullimic... why didn't someone feed that child?! ..believe me, this child could eat you out of house and home) I was so afraid of becoming "too thin" again that once my weight started to creep down below 120, I grabbed a milkshake and consumed extra calories (however unhealthy they were) wherever I could. I don't think that people realize the toll that takes on a person's self esteem. I feel it is so similar to people being put down for being larger, when they are honestly healthy. We are all different. My mother, my sister, and myself could all eat the exact same thing and have the exact same exercise regiment and we would all three have different results- despite being from the same bloodline.

And now, I sit at a crossroads where I am not getting any younger (oh, come on! as if that's even a thing! NONE of us are getting younger. Benjamin Button does not exist... that's so absurd. I don't even know why we say that.)... I will be 30 in August. I have three children, so my body has gone through the hormonal and structural changes that happen most of the time with childbirth. I have "child-birthin' hips"... The majority of my fat is stored in my mid-section (hello, muffin top!!) ... My thighs are... well, "fuller"... The three youngsters that I affectionately call my "short people" literally sucked the life out of my once perky breasts for the entire first year of their lives... (I didn't even realize how great my body was until it just wasn't anymore... but do any of us EVER appreciate our nineteen year old bodies before we are 29??). I look at certain clothes that I *want* to be able to wear before I'm too old to be able to wear them. I mean, I don't want to be "that mom" who, at 45, is still attempting to share clothes with her teenage daughter (granted, one perk to having my daughter at the age that I did is that when she's 17- I'll be 36... still relatively young). At the same time, I am fully aware of my body type and you will not catch this girl in clothes that shouldn't be made in my size. Well, I say that, but I am aware that there are plenty of "toned" size 6/8/10/12 (and I'm not DARE going to tell you which one of those that I am). I just do not happen to be one of them. I have thought about working out. Hell, I have daydreamed about it. And I could blame it on the children. I just don't have the time. But, that's not the case. I'm just lazy. Honestly. If I have spare time, I spend it in front of the computer. (Don't act surprised. You've seen my Facebook.) I know WHAT to do. I used to be a personal trainer. I used to be at the gym twice a day. I used to be in shape. The gym was my addiction. And I felt great! You would think that, knowing that, I would easily step right back into it. But, no. Because I don't want it bad enough. I'm content with my flowy tops and maxi dresses. I like salads. But, they're drenched in Ranch dressing (full fat, please), extra cheese, boiled eggs, bacon... Mmmmm... Heck, just a few minutes ago I wanted a snack. I have healthier options here. But I had a Mt Dew and a Snickers. Not because it was EASIER than an apple. But, because that's what I wanted to eat. And looking good in a bikini this year just isn't worth it to me to have to give up my snickers and Mt Dew... or the chocolate chip cookies and whole milk that I had the other night. Or the "kids chilli" that I'm going to have tonight (it's amazing, really, a sweet chilli over mac & cheese... mmmmm). THAT BEING SAID... this is a personal choice for me. When I get asked out on a date that involves swimming or fishing and I have to wear minimal clothing- I am well aware than I'm going to wish that I had swapped out a few of these blog sessions for the gym. I know this. And I will have to deal with that. And I will. Then. I probably still won't care that much. I'll probably drink more water in the days before and probably not eat as much junk for a few days. I'm fortunate enough that I'll probably drop enough in those few days to make me look "not so bad". Now, I'm sure you think that this is me saying "Hey, it's okay for us all to be fat asses. Just eat what you want to eat and be happy about however you look as a result". Negative. I have friends who LIVE for the gym. One of my closest and dearest friends has endless Instagram photos on her wall of her at the gym or running, or of her running shoes (really, Alyssa?? Your shoes??) or her abs... which are sick. Like, it's ridiculous how ripped this girl is. And people criticize her for that. Heck, I tell her all the time "eat a cheeseburger". But I can do that. Because I used to be her roommate. And she farted on me in her sleep. A lot. (and was in so much pain because of her gas that she MADE me sleep with her because she was convinced she was having a heart attack. just a little Alyssa history for you). But some people get really mean. If she shows off her body, she gets comments about being "too skinny" and being obsessed with the way she looks. Let me go ahead and tell you all right now--- IF I ever get in shape.... If hell freezes over and the day comes when I decide that I would rather hit the treadmill than eat half a pound of raw cookie dough in front of the computer--- you may as well go ahead and unfriend me. I WILL be "that girl" who posts about the awesome workout she just had... I will post "after" pictures of my ponytail that has halfway fallen down, due to me sweating my ass off... because I still think that's sexy. I think it's sexy when she does it. I think it's sexy when other girls do it. It's just plain sexy when someone is so passionate about something that they are willing to work for it. Just like I feel sexy when I fry chicken that's been soaking in buttermilk for 24 hours. I feel accomplished. (I might not smell great, but damn if I don't feel sexy). Should that day ever come (and, don't hold your breath because I can almost assure you that it will not) when I pose for some sexy boudoir photos (and believe me, I would)... go ahead and delete me because I will post one on my facebook. Nothing that would show more than what a bathing suit would. But, you WOULD see what I worked so hard to achieve. Don't want to see it? Well, there are people that don't want to look at pictures of your kid's first poop in the toilet or the dinner you just prepared either. But we post what is important to us. (and I've probably posted poop and food... possibly on the same day, even) If Alyssa or ANYONE else wants to post a picture in gym shorts and a sports bra and you, personally, prefer the more curvy figure- keep your mouth shut. Seriously. You don't have to like it. It's a GOOD thing that we like different things. If everyone liked Heidi Klum, Adele would be screwed. Figuratively, of course. Instead, it's literally because someone knocked her up. Because he obviously liked her. Whether it was because of her figure or in spite of her figure, doesn't matter. We are attracted to different types. Personally- I like looking at Channing Tatum. I'd rather lay down with the guy that played the cop on Bridesmaids... or Paul Rudd... I like a little more "soft"... (I repeat, I still like to look at Channing Tatum, and I probably wouldn't turn him down... *probably*...)

But it's hard for us to just love each other and accept each other and be happy for each other when we see ads like this:



They tell us that, instead of us all just being women living the lives that WE want to live, we are separate. And, based on what other people "comment" on these pictures, we determine our self-worth. What gives anyone the right to call the middle group of women "Normal"? Based on what? The women that live where you live? Because I can assure you that if you travel to different parts of the world, that is not always "the norm"... In Egypt, I'm sure that there is not an abundance of blonde women. However, I don't believe that they have ads with redheads on top... Brunettes in the middle, and blondes on bottom, calling the brunettes the "normal" ones. (although, brunettes OBVIOUSLY are more "normal" ... hehehe) I don't know. Maybe it's different. But, some men are going to prefer the supermodel type. Some women prefer to look like that... they eat right, lots of cardio and yoga and whatever it takes to get that long, lean body. Other women prefer to weight train and sculpt their bodies like the beautiful women on bottom. Others eat pizza and raw cookie dough and end up in the middle. Heck, some women work out and eat healthy and look like the women in the middle. And that's okay. It's ALL okay. So, how about- we congratulate each other on the choices that we make for ourselves instead of constantly putting ourselves against eachother? Everything is not a competition. You've been married to the same man for twenty years? Amazing!! Congratulations! You're 40 and never been married? Good for you! That's awesome!! Not quite 30 and on your second divorce?? GO ME!! You stay at home with your children?? You are unbelievable! You work outside the home?? Wow! Impressive. You spend 2+ hours a day at the gym? I admire your dedication! You ate 3 cupcakes while watching the Little Mermaid last night? That must've been awesome.

Let's put away the negativity because it helps NO ONE and start building each other up.

Especially because after the cookie dough I ate while typing this... I need it. ;)