Why I WILL be watching 50 Shades...

Following the recent success of the 50 Shades of Grey book series, there's no doubt that the impending release of the film adaptation of the first book in the series has caused quite the uproar- especially in the Christian community.

Disclaimer: Before I go any further, let me go ahead and state that I AM a Christian. I was raised Episcopalian, and I love my Lord and Savior. I believe in God AND I believe in science, and I feel like that makes me a minority at times. I've been called a hypocrite, and to be completely honest, it doesn't bother me all that much. I respect other people's opinions and beliefs (well. for the most part) even when they differ from my own. However, I am aware that many of my beliefs and views aren't necessarily popular ones (I mean, a Christian Southern Democrat who likes her wine, reads "mommy porn", and loves Neil deGrasse Tyson... I'm used to being referred to as a walking contradiction). But I believe what I believe and if there's one thing I've found since starting this blog and turning my many facebook status updates into blog-worthy posts--- it's that I'm not always alone in feeling the way that I do. ((What?! Other women are just as crazy as ME?? Say it ain't so....))

So. ALL of that being said- I don't see what the big deal is. I hear (ahem. *read*) what you all are saying. And I respect your decision to not see the film, just as I respected your decision to not read the book. I mean, I don't know if it was so much me respecting your decision as it was me really not caring what you did or didn't do because it in no way affected my life. But regardless, this book in no way negatively impacted my relationship and, I would be willing to venture out so much to say that it did wonders for MANY relationships.

Let me argue this point for a moment. The biggest complaint that I've read is that this is considered "mommy porn" and that it is unladylike for a woman to be sexualizing a man in such a manner and that it is disrespectful to our husbands and boyfriends. The most common counter argument I've found is "well, men have been doing it for years". Well, I don't care about that. Men also scratch themselves in public and smell each other's gas and I don't care to do any of that. So that argument is invalid to me. However, what I WILL argue is this- yes, I read the book. I've read similar books. I've watched Magic Mike. In fact, I was an extra in the sequel to Magic Mike with one of my best friends. I was mere FEET from Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello. And do you know that I have never ONCE fantasized about these men? Honestly, I have not. Yes, they are beautiful. Christian Grey in the book was sexy. His character was designed to be so. But, again, not once did I fantasize about him. What I DID do was think about the man that I do have. Granted, I didn't imagine him dancing shirtless to Pony, grinding on a stage. But, I absolutely used what was given to me by the films and books and projected them into my own relationship. "But that's not realistic." Well, duh. It's a book. It's a movie. Do you think Nick Sparks is realistic? It's a fantasy. (I would even be willing to go so far as to argue that the Notebook has given women more unrealistic expectations about love and romance than E.L. James on any given day) I do not feel that it is disrespectful to my boyfriend for me to enjoy either of these for entertainment. No more than I consider it disrespectful when he appreciates a woman's appearance. It doesn't bother him. It doesn't bother me. He's not concerned that I'm going to leave him because he isn't Grey-esque. (I will not fault that man of mine for failing to know the importance of Charlie Tango)

I also feel like the majority of the women who are anti-50 Shades haven't read the book. They formed an opinion based on what they've heard. We do that with people oftentimes, don't we? We hear something and immediately form an opinion based on the bits and pieces that came from someone else, rather than looking at the bigger picture. If you read the book, you'll find that while, yes, there are some very sexually explicit passages, there's also a genuine love story at the heart of it. It's the story of an innocent girl who falls in love with a broken man and teaches him how to love. They open one another up to things neither of them had previously experienced. It's a beautiful story. It's also a very sexy story. But calling this book "mommy porn" would be no different than calling it a "love story". It is both of those things, I suppose. But it can't be defined as just one or the other.

I'm not trying to convince you to go see it. To quote the great Rhett Butler- Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. Watch it or don't. Read it or don't. But the rest of us who are all about some Ana and Christian would appreciate you not treating us as second class citizens (or as though we will burst into flames should we walk back into church on Sunday morning) when we buy our tickets in advance.

Laters, baby. ;)

To The Next Girl Who Dates The Man That I Love

To the next girl who dates the man that I love,

This may seem strange that I would even do this, but if I’m completely honest- it’s because I love him. He’s an incredible man, this man that we love, and I want all of the happiness in the world for him. There are things that I’ve learned in our time together- some things that I did right and some that I did terribly wrong. But, regardless, through much trial and error- I figured a lot out about this walking enigma of a man.

 

First and foremost, he’s not as confident as he appears. I’ve always said that no one loves The Sir as much as The Sir loves The Sir. That’s not entirely true. He talks a big game. By the way he acts, you would think that he thinks he’s the greatest gift to the world. He doesn’t really feel that way. Trust me. He’s intelligent and he knows that. He’s confident in his abilities at work, and knows what an asset he is there. As for the rest of his life, he’s as insecure as anyone. Compliment him. Don’t assume that because he says “I know” when you tell him that he’s sexy that he really does know. Most of the time he doesn’t really feel that way. Assure him that he is beyond attractive in your eyes. Find things that make him uniquely him and tell him how much you love those things. I’ll help you out a little. If you haven’t noticed yet, he smiles with his eyes. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Pay attention to that. That’s when you’ll know he’s truly happy. His hair two weeks out from a hair cut… It’s just enough to be ruggedly handsome. Run your hands through it. Not too much, because he gets annoyed with too much affection (we’ll get to that later), but do it and tell him how amazing his hair is. He’ll say “I know”. Don’t tell him he’s an ass. Don’t tell him he’s cocky. That’s something I would do. That’s something I shouldn’t have done. Laugh it off. Maybe say “Well, good. You SHOULD know”, and leave it at that.

 

Make sure he drinks water. It makes a huge difference. Maybe by the time you come around, he will have slowed down on his drinking, but whether he has or not- his water is important. But if he IS drinking- make sure you keep a cup of water nearby. If you’re out, always keep a water. He won’t order a water at a bar. You have to order it for yourself. Trust me, he will drink it. You may have to remind him that it’s there or hand it to him from time to time, but he will drink it.

 

He’ll take vitamins if you remind him. You may actually have to remind him, but it’s worth it. You want to keep him around as long as possible right? Remind him to take his vitamins.

 

He still cares deeply for every girl he’s ever loved. Do not let that hurt you. This is one thing I did right. Accept that he will always love those women and that it’s okay for him to always love them. It means that he has a huge heart. And he really, really does. Sometimes he will play songs that make him think of them. Sometimes he’ll do it when you’re not around and he’ll just kind of drown in the emotion of it all. That’s okay. Sometimes he’ll do it with you sitting right next to him. At this point, you have the option to get offended by it and consider him inconsiderate for doing so, or you can see it for what it is- he feels comfortable enough with you to let you in to see all facets of his beautiful soul. When this happens, just reach over and touch him. 3-5 seconds is long enough. He doesn’t require much. But stroke his arm or the back of his neck or put your hand on his thigh and squeeze for a second or two. Just let him know that you’re there. Please don’t get upset with him. This is just a part of him. Let him be free to be himself.

 

Another part of him- he can be extremely inappropriate at times (if you haven’t figured this out by now). When he gets out of line- tell him. But don’t be a bitch. That only makes it worse. Change the subject. Hand him the water (because that’s a sure sign that he needs it). Do something to make him laugh. 9 times out of 10 it works.

 

Dance with him. Let him twirl you around the dance floor and act like a complete idiot. He doesn’t know any actual dances. Do not let that stop you from having the time of your life with him.

 

You do not need to spend hours or a ton of money on a fancy meal for him. While he absolutely loves a good meal, he appreciates the thought and the meal itself more than the effort. I once spent about $30 and literally an hour and a half on this fancy, from scratch potato dish with ridiculously hard-to-find cheeses to accompany our evening meal. He ate them and appreciated it, but went back for seconds of the chicken that cost somewhere around $10. He pretty much ate all of the chicken, now that I think about it. He doesn’t need elaborate. You can pick up take out and have it waiting on him when he gets home. I think what he appreciates the most is that he didn’t have to worry about dinner for himself, and someone else is going to be cleaning up the mess afterward. And DO clean up the mess afterward. He won’t do it. He may say he will, but I know him. It will take you 5 minutes and it’s so worth it. He probably won’t even notice that you do it. But try not to let that hurt your feelings. Do it anyway.

 

Another thing about his eating- he’s not a big fan of desserts either. Go ahead, spend hours on a home made apple pie. I did. I ate it all myself. I can’t think that he even tried it. He does like banana pudding though. But he prefers the one with the Pepperidge Farm Chessman cookies rather than the Nilla Wafers recipe. It’s more rich, and far more expensive to make, but this is one of the exceptions to the rule of not spending a lot of money on his food. But don’t make it often. Again- he won’t eat it. But maybe if you go to his mom’s for dinner or a family function, make that. (also along the line of desserts- if you can bake at all- the neighbor at the lake house loves a 17 layer chocolate cake. Yellow cake, but home made buttercream chocolate frosting. Have Ben take one to him. They’re very, very kind people and that kind of gesture means a lot)

Thank you cards. That will be on you. He won’t do them. It isn’t because he isn’t thankful. His intentions are always the best, but he simply will not take the time. Do them for him. Maybe have him sign them, but just make sure they get out the door. He will appreciate that you care enough about his friends and family to ensure that they are appropriately thanked for the things they’ve done for him.

 

His friends. They may not like you at first. Don’t let it get you down. They’re good people. All of them, actually. Some of them may be a little wild… a little rough around the edges… but they are ALL good people. And what they all have in common more than anything- they, too, love this man. Especially his best friend. Hopefully he won’t hate you the way he does me, but if he does- please understand that it’s only because he wants the absolute best for his best friend. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t the best for him. It just means that he’s protective of him and there’s a possibility that no one will ever be “good enough”. But maybe he will love you. Regardless, he and his wife are two of the funniest, kindest, most gracious people you will ever meet. Be kind to them whether they like you or not. They love him. They are family.

 

He likes liquid fabric softener. I don’t even know that he knows he likes it, but he does. And when you wash the sheets, add in some of the fragrance enhancer, as well. It makes a huge difference. He may not notice that part, but if you use the lavender, it helps him sleep better. He tosses and turns less in his sleep and snores less, as well. I never told him I did this, but once I noticed the difference it made, I always used it on the sheets.

 

Pay attention to things that he wants or needs, but won’t purchase for himself. If you ever ask him what he wants for his birthday or Christmas, he will tell you “Nothing”. That’s not true. Oh. One thing- he prefers the women’s razors. The super expensive ones that already have the soap bar on them. The Gillette Venus ones. Make sure you keep those on hand for him. He won’t purchase them, but he loves them. He breaks a lot of beard trimmers, as well. I had planned to purchase an extra one to keep on hand for when the next one breaks. That may be something you want to go ahead and do. I did some research and Norelco is the brand you’ll want to get. And he loves hoodies. You can never go wrong with a super comfy hoodie “just because”.

 

Sundays are hair cut days. He hates getting his hair cut. More than getting his hair cut, he hates waiting at the salon to get his hair cut, but won’t call ahead for an appointment. Your best bet will be to call and schedule an appointment for a Sunday afternoon around 3:30/4. Go to a late lunch where he can have a couple of drinks. Then he won’t care as much that you’re taking him to get his hair cut. And then he won’t have to wait. Trust me, waiting with him is not fun. You do not want to wait. **make the appointment**

 

Game Day Saturdays. This is a big one. Do not expect communication. Period. He will text you. Just expect that he will not. Your life (and your relationship) will be better for it.

 

Do some research and find little hole in the wall bars with good music. That’s his element. He loves places like that.

 

Do not expect a lot of affection. He shows love in different ways than you’re probably used to. Usually it’s something cute like a silly nickname. If he calls you a silly nickname, that’s the equivalent of him kissing you. Take it as such. He won’t kiss a lot. He just doesn’t. And he doesn’t really do PDA. Don’t even try it. I mean, you can kiss him on the cheek, or even lean in for a kiss if the moment is right- but don’t push it. It will push him away.

 

Love him with everything that you have. Don’t worry about what the books say. Don’t play games. Just love that man. Defend him, when necessary. ALWAYS remember that you are a team. It is the two of you against whatever problems arise- never against each other. He needs your love and support. Even if you don’t agree with him- support him. He needs that. Encourage him. Compliment him. And just love the hell out of him. Do more than I did. Don’t do anything to give him any reason to let you go. Don’t let him go. Fight for him, but don’t fight with him. Fighting with him is never worth it. Remember- never against each other.

 

Keep in mind, this man holds a place in my heart that no one else could ever fill. I just wasn’t the right girl for him. I still want his happiness above all else. Maybe you won’t make the same mistakes that I did. Don’t hurt him. Just love him. Always love him.

 

The Ex

fake it til you make it

she just woke up one morning and decided she didn't want to feel that way anymore....

well, that all sounds easy enough, right? i mean, how do you just *change* how you feel? i don't think this is about changing how you feel about how you feel about someone or something, but more so about how you let those feelings affect your life.

the sir and i ended our relationship on the 8th of september. for another handful of weeks we were off and on, back and forth. while the relationship, for the most part, had been phenomenal- the breakup was a difficult one. the weeks following the breakup were worse. the constant checking of my phone to see if he had called or text. having to actually delete his number so that i wouldn't call or text him. we would each say hurtful things. hateful things. things that we knew would really hit the other hard. then we would each act as though we didn't care, only to apologize hours later with an "i love you". it wasn't healthy. but we did love one another. we still do. i know that i can speak for myself only, but i will always love that man for all of the good that is within him. and there really is so much good. i used to tell people "i just wish that everyone could have someone look at them the way i look at 'the sir'", and i meant that. everyone deserves that. including myself. i deserve that, as well. sometimes he would look at me and i knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with. that nothing in this world could change my love for him. and i was right about parts of that. we definitely have that "for better or worse" thing down. because we showed each other our "worse". both of us did. and while i loved him through it, sometimes love isn't enough. i am well-versed in love not being enough to sustain a relationship.

we wanted different things, ultimately. that's what i tell people. and it really is true. that's the biggest issue. our "fundamental flaw" as he puts it. he has two vices- women and a bottle. i was an emotional rollercoaster (and trust me, the lows go as low as the highs go high) and i kept things from him and would lie to him to cover up the things i was keeping from him. and we would both try to "fix" ourselves and "fix" one another, but at the end of the day- as much as we loved each other- we really just wanted different things out of life.

so i've cried probably buckets of tears. and its not just the relationship ending. there has been so much going on in my life that i will some day sit down and write about because it's a part of my still evolving testimony. but for now, (because i'm asked daily how the sir is doing or if we're still together) this is what you're getting.

we tried. both of us did. and maybe we didn't try as hard as we could have. we're both stubborn people. extraordinarily stubborn. and prideful. neither of us wants to be the one to back down. ever. and that's difficult when both people in a relationship are that way. we brought that out in one another. but i say ALL of that to say this--- i woke up and decided that i no longer wanted to feel that way. so i didn't.

i made the conscious decision to be happy. i decided to surround myself with other imperfect people who know how ugly THEY are and know how ugly I am and that want to grow with me. people who encourage my walk with Christ. people who will pray for me, but also pray WITH me. people who talk about their faith with me and allow me the freedom to talk about my faith with them.

and while it's difficult to just not feel a certain way... it's not even so much that you don't feel it... you just have to "fake it til you make it", right?