Monday, November 11, 2013

2 a.m. thoughts

it's so far past my bedtime... and so close to my wake up time that i'm truly considering just staying up until i get the big kids on the bus... then locking bray in the room with me and making him snuggle all day tomorrow while i take a nap then do some more editing. that's part of the reason why i'm up so late... work. editing. it's a blessing and a curse. i love that i get to stay at home with my baby, but it's also a bit aggravating at times that i don't get "off" like most people do. (and heaven knows my brain doesn't go into "off" mode... what's that like, i wonder....) but my work schedule isn't exactly the conundrum i was referring to. no... so "crazy white girl" of me, but my thoughts are those of love... lust... relationships... or the lack thereof.  i feel so privileged to be allowed the opportunity to capture love between couples on their wedding day... to photograph engagement sessions and help create save the dates... i love it. i really do. i love seeing the bride get excited just before time to walk down the aisle... then fighting back the tears as she sees her groom's reaction to her beauty... it's glorious. it really is. and to be a part of that is really something special. i love seeing people in love. then i come home and start working and as i'm editing, i can't help but wonder why it is that no one has ever looked at me like that? or maybe they have and i didn't see it... maybe i was too busy looking at something else (knowing me, it was probably something sparkly... "ooh- that's pretty..." i get easily distracted) i've been acting so tough lately... like i don't care. like i'm done with love and emotion and all of that... but truthfully, it's because it's friggin' scary.
to be completely honest... that long, slow dance with bliss is utterly terrifying to me. don't get me wrong- i meant what i said when i said that i want that. i do. i really do. i want that forever kind of thing. but what if i pick a forever and it's the wrong one (i've already done that!!) and i'm not his forever or he's so emotionally scarred from the last time he thought it was forever that he won't even let me in?? or what if i meet him and it IS right and he is perfect for me and i for him, but the timing is all wrong?? in opening yourself up, you're risking complete misery. you're allowing yourself to be vulnerable to this person who you're allowing the power to destroy what's left of you. if there's love in me left to give (and i do believe that there is so much in there for the right man), i don't want someone to kill that. i don't want them to take what's left and just discard it like last week's trash.
if he could just see me for what i am... this fragile bird who sings this big song like she's the biggest, brightest bird there is, but inside is broken and scared... if he (whoever he is... dear no one) could see that and nurture that part of me and allow me to love him and care for him as well, the heavens above know that i would spare no amount of affection to show this man how i adore him. but, what if he doesn't? (oh, but what if he does!?)
and therein lies the problem. if there is one beautiful thing in this world- it is love. if there is one thing left that is holy and whole and still holds the ability to be pure and eternal- i believe with all that is in me- that thing is love. but, dear God, if there is one thing terribly horrific and utterly terrifying in it- that, too, would be love. loving something with your entirety, all the while knowing that it could vanish within a split second.

scary.

Monday, November 4, 2013

dear no one....

lately i've been forced to think about what i want. what i truly want. i say that i don't want a relationship. that i don't need a man. that "ain't nobody got time for that". and, i mean, that's all true to some extent. i am a single mother of 3 small children. (harley would give me "the look" if she knew i referred to her as a "small child"... her hormones scare me.) i run a growing business. i like independence. i like not having to answer to anyone. i feel, sometimes, like the eternal 3rd or 5th wheel. it doesn't always bother me.... except for when it does.

see. i joke a lot. i'm funny. i act like things don't get to me. but they do. sometimes things really get to me.

"sometimes, i just want somebody to hold. someone to give me their jacket when it's cold... got that young love feeling when we're old.
sometimes, i want someone to grab my hand. pick me up, pull me close, be my man... i will love you til the end"

that's Dear No One by Tori Kelly. (it's kind of my favorite song right now)

so here's the deal. i want someone to cook bacon and pancakes for. i want someone to like me. like GENUINELY like me. someone who could stay up at night just laughing at me and with me. i want someone who wants to hold me close. i want someone who looks at me and feels like he must have done something right at some point in his life to have ended up with me. i want someone to feel lucky to be with me. (even though i will know that i'm the lucky one) i want someone with a past just as screwed up as mine. i want someone who has been hurt, because they know what it feels like and i feel like damaged people are less inclined to inflict pain on others. but, at the same time....it's scary, isn't it? because if you let someone in, you run the risk of them hurting you the way that others have in the past. and who wants to get hurt?? i know that if you don't risk it, you'll never know. i do know that. but what if it doesn't work?? what if you give this person everything that you have emotionally and they say "no thanks"? what if you're not enough? that hurts.

because eventually he'll find out everything.
my middle name.
my birthday. my sign.
where i was born. where i want to grow old.
how old i was when i learned to ride a bike. who gave me that bike. who taught me to ride it. how absolutely terrified i was when we had to take off the training wheels.
he'll learn how old i was when each grandparent passed away and what it did to me.
how much i hated missing a day of school because i was afraid i would miss out on something.
he'll know that my eyes are the exact color of milk chocolate, what every scar is from, and where my birthmark is.
he'll know my favorite books, movies, candy, food, color, and song...
he'll learn that i will never part with my yellow tens no matter how old and grungy they get.
eventually he will know how hard it is for me to fall asleep at night because my brain just won't shut off and he'll see firsthand that when i wake up at 3 a.m. it's almost impossible for me to go back to sleep.
he's going to know all about the first time i had to attend a funeral for a friend; a life taken way too soon.
he'll find out my fears, my wishes, my worries, my constantly growing bucket list...
at some point he's going to see that i tend to live in my own dream world where anything is possible.
one night, he's going to wake up and i'll be sobbing as quietly as possible into my pillow to try to keep from waking him... and i won't even have to say anything. he'll know why.
he'll know all about my first heartbreak, my dream wedding, my problems with my parents and why my brother and i no longer speak.
he will have heard all about ellie and nana and know that those losses affected my life more than any i can imagine.
this poor, sweet man will know all about my strengths, weaknesses, unsurpassed laziness yet boundless energy, and my mixed emotions.
he'll know about my love for mayonnaise , my dream of being famous when i was 5 (who am i kidding... i still daydream about it...), my need to quote bridesmaids word for word all the way through...
he'll know that i'm terrified of growing old alone, but that i'm also so terribly afraid of loving someone so deeply then not being afforded the opportunity to grow old with them.
he'll know my bad habits.
my mannerisms.
all of my facial expressions... including my pout.
this man will know my laugh like it's his favorite song.
he will have learned the way i chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget when i'm nervous, and kiss.
he will know that i laugh to keep from crying and that a lot of the time, it's simply a defense mechanism to keep people from getting too close.
eventually he will learn that i have spent more hours than i will care to admit picking out wedding flowers.
tiles for the bathroom.
paint color for the bedroom walls.
bridesmaid dresses.
he will know that i leave my clothes everywhere... and it will annoy him to no end. but he will eventually just accept that as a part of me.
he will learn that it takes me 15 minutes to order at Starbucks because i can't just order something simple.
he'll know that i organize my dvds according to which ones i like the most and watch most often, and that i check my horoscope almost daily... just in case.
he will know my order for chik-fil-a, and that i need taco bell at least weekly.
this man will know that, for whatever reason, i like my sandwiches cut into triangles and that they don't seem to fill me up if they're cut into 4 squares.
he will be able to tell that i have to pee just by the look on my face, and he'll see when i'm crying- even if i'm not shedding any tears.

he will know ALL of it. top to bottom. inside out. every little thing.

so what if i LET him and it's not enough? what if he learns all of that and just decides that the idea of kayla was more appealing than the actual person.

then what?