hate

i hate it. i absolutely hate it. and i NEVER use that word. i usually stick with "despise" or something similar, but in this case- hate may not even be a strong enough word to describe how i feel about it.... 

"it" being that feeling that you get when you think about someone you used to be close to... someone that chose to no longer be a part of your life. for some people it's an old lover, ex-spouse, a family member- perhaps even their own parent or child or sibling. i said the other day {on Facebook} that i love the feeling you get when you see someone like that and you look better and you realize that you're over it, so to speak. and i do. i really do *love* that feeling. what i don't love {ahem, what i hate} is the feeling of overwhelming sadness when you randomly think about that person. remembering that they weren't looking their best that day suddenly doesn't make you feel much better because you know that they are so much more than what they look like. your memories aren't based on what shirt they wore or how their hair was... it's things like late night conversations... staying up with them til 3 a.m. on the phone when they called you crying... riding out to the middle of nowhere and parking and just talking for hours, telling each other things that NO ONE else knew. it's dancing like idiots and not really caring what anyone else thought. it's "inside jokes" and certain phrases that were exclusive to your relationship. i hate it. and i hate when you call that person over something that they told you before that NO MATTER WHAT they always wanted to know about this particular part of your life... and they just don't care. like, they care so little that you can't even get out what you were calling about. they want to know "what it pertains to". seriously? you have to have a reason to call someone who used to be one of your best friends. i hate it. 

"it" being the knowledge that, despite what once was, this person is no longer your best friend. they're no longer your friend. hell, you're barely acquaintances anymore. if so, that's all you are. you know each other's name, phone number memorized no matter how you try to forget it, deepest, darkest secrets... but you just don't know that person anymore because they don't want you to. i hate it.

"it" being the feeling of being insignificant. the feeling that you put yourself out there completely, gave everything you had- and it wasn't good enough. it didn't matter. it was worth walking away from. i hate it.

"it" being the phone that doesn't ring. the unreturned messages. the picture hidden in a folder on the computer that shows us laughing and just being "us". the shirt that i eventually just threw away. 

"it" being the sound of your voice, but only because i don't get to hear it anymore. "it" being every restaurant we ever ate at. i can't even drive by top corral without getting angry now. angry at you for lying. for telling me that we would be friends no matter what, but really not even taking into consideration what that word "friend" means. obviously. angry that you don't care about any thing that you cared about not so many months ago.

i hate it. "it" being my heart that still refuses to stop caring. it keeps holding out hope that some day you'll come around & we'll go back to being friends again... like we were. but, i hope and pray that by that time i won't care. that maybe my heart will know better. hearts don't think, though, do they? i hate that.