my soul mate

I know that, if you're reading this blog, you probably weren't in attendance at my Nana's memorial service last Sunday (January 27th, also my baby sister's birthday)... so you're probably a bit perplexed at the title of this particular blog post, most of you knowing full well that I am currently going through my SECOND divorce and that, for the past seven or so years, I haven't been the biggest believer in soul mates. However, that was only as a soul mate would apply to a person of the opposite sex that I wanted to grow old with and die with and would give my life for and read to every day from their personal journal should they develop Alzheimer's and not remember a thing... you know, the stuff Nicholas Sparks writes about. I didn't believe in all of that. In fact, just a few short months ago as Nana and I were riding around in the car probably going to walk around the mall or get some groceries... something we typically did at least once a week... I told her that, emotionally, I didn't NEED a man. That the only person in this world, other than my three children, that I felt like I NEEDED was her. That, when her time came, I just wanted to climb in the bed with her and fall asleep and when she took her last breath, so would I take mine. Because I couldn't imagine that I could wake up a single day without her being on this Earth with me. Three weeks later and every day is still a struggle. Going through her clothes, I just laid on top of them and breathed in her scent and cried like I had honestly never cried in my life. I pleaded with God to just let me be with her. Now- let's stop right there- before anyone thinks that I was (or am) suicidal... it wasn't like that. I'm a firm believer that if you kill yourself, you've just lost all rights to Heaven anyway. So taking my own life would not get me back in the arms of my best friend. Regardless, I didn't want to breathe any more if she couldn't. I didn't want my heart to beat if hers wasn't. Even as I type this, I just feel this incomprehensible NEED for her. I can't describe it at all.

When Nana was in the hospital, one night I was crying to my sister about it and she made the comment that Nana was my soul mate. And she was right. And I see her in every thing I do. I look to the left of my computer screen and I see a picture of my three children and myself from Easter. A picture that she took on the courthouse lawn in front of our church. Easter Sunday.... this is the first time that I've realized that I won't have her on Easter. A first for me. I won't have her to call to talk about how neither of us want to spend money on a special Easter dress... but how we look good in anything. ;) I sure do love that woman. Just one more thing, before I get to the pictures, that I'm going to miss about her: Starting when I was really young (probably 7 or so) after ballet or church, Nana would drive through Dairy Queen, get us each a dipped cone and we would just ride around town... making sure to go through all of the more wealthy neighborhoods and pick out houses. Then we would pick out something about each house that was the reason we weren't going to buy it. :) For example, that big house by the dam... Nana and I would "ooh" and "ahh" over it... then she would make a comment like "but look at that yard. There's just no need for that much yard" or "But it would be just about impossible for us to get out of this driveway when traffic is heavy" and I would counter with "Yeah, and I'll bet the bedrooms are so big- I would NEVER be able to get my room clean. We should probably just stay where we are." And it's funny that it seemed like just something fun to do at the time, but what it taught me is that there's always something to complain about. Even the people in those big, fancy houses have stuff to complain about. We had everything we needed in that double wide on Cedar Hill Drive.

Okay... on to the photos. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you- My Nana. My best friend. My soul mate.

Geraldine Shealey Scott
01-02-1940 -  01-11-2013

This is my favorite picture of Nana. Probably EVER.
It looks so "Gone with the Wind" to me. I even had it
blown up to an 11x14 and matted and framed to have
at her memorial service. It will be hanging in my home...
as soon as I can find a hammer. :/

I picked on Nana all the time for being such a nerd.
But, look at her!! Such a nerd!! :))

Nana and little baby Kayla. :) Probably getting me ready for church,
if I had to guess. 

My Nana was the ultimate "Lady". So classy. So elegant, always.
No doubt that is how she will be remembered- a classy woman of God.

Nana and Harley aka Joyce the Cat. :)
This was a phase Harley went through at 2 where I had to
draw a cat nose and whiskers on her every morning and
she told people her name was Joyce the Cat. :)

Nana and my Granddaddy. This has also always been one
of my favorite pictures. 

Nana used to make Nikki and I matching or coordinating outfits all the time.
This was for a family reunion. I'm assuming around July 4th...

Nana on the right, pregnant with my Daddy. Granddaddy in the middle.
And Nana has told me a million times who the chick on the left is and I still
don't remember. I'm going to name her Elouise. There. Aunt Lady Eloise. 

Such a Lady. A Nerdy Lady. <3

Nana, My brother Eric, and me. I love Nana's stirrup pants, Eric's
"bangs only" haircut, and my sweet purple umbros :)

Nana and Granddaddy as teenagers :) Young Love

Nana said this was probably her first and last time in a boat.
She despised the water. :) Here she is with Daddy and Aunt LaTressa.

With newborn Daddy :)

Car model?? lol

April 2009

Nana & Eric

This is how I will always remember her. 

Eric, Ally, Nana, Papa, Jamie, Nikki, Reuben, Me & Baby Harley

Aunt LaTressa, Nana, Granny Granny (Nana's Mama), and Nikki.
Nikki is the only one in this Four Generations photo that is still here. :(

Our Church Yearbook photo

Uncle Hollis, Nana, and Uncle Horace.
Two of Nana's three brothers. They've all passed now, as well.

Ally, Nana, sweet Mandi, Eric, Me, and Jamie.
Mandi was Eric's girlfriend at the time. She was killed in a car accident a few years ago.

Nana and the twins again.

Daddy walking Nana to the altar when she married Papa.

Granddaddy, Nana, and Daddy. I can see some of Granddaddy and Daddy
in Braydon. Especially that facial expression Granddaddy is making there. 

Nana and two of her sisters, Aunt Velma and Aunt Portia

How funny is this one?? And I guess that's where I get it from. 

Nana with two of her best friends. Carol Blow and Sue Henderson. 

Well, she just looks a little snotty here. ;)

WHO is that tiny after having a baby??? Just my Nana.
This is with my Aunt LaTressa. 

At a church Luau

Nana and Papa

with her first (and favorite) Grandbaby- ME. :)

Prom 1958 I want that dress. Bad. 

Before church one morning. I had to be 16 here.
I can only remember that because my boyfriend at the time

and his best friend came to town from Jesup for the weekend and
came to church with us that morning and we took several pictures. 

Nana and Granny Granny

with my granddaddy. 

Nana, Harley, Carter, and Anslie. :)
Harley was the only one "camera ready". Typical. :)

More nerdiness. :)

With my Matron of Honor (Nana) and Maid of Honor (Erin)
at my first wedding. Aaaand- I still had braces. *smh*

Nana at her first wedding. This is the only picture that exists from that day.
I love it. I think I'll have this one blown up, as well. 

Giving Carter a hair cut. :)

Oh yes. Fashion of the 90s. Gotta love the long, floral skirts... :)

A family reunion in the 70s. Nana is the one in the middle laughing.
Daddy is the one on bottom with the killer 'fro.

More of me & my Nana <3

WHY did it take two people to put my shoes on??
Surely I wasn't that difficult. Nana and Aunt Velma. <3

Granddaddy showing me the new baby. Not sure I liked Nana
holding Nikki. Not sure I even liked Nikki. ;) lol

Nana, Uncle Lamar, and Granny Granny. I'm sure they're all
up in Heaven having a grand old time. 

Aunt Jackie Faye (Nana's sister), Granny Granny, and Nana
at Nana & Papa's wedding. 

Nana loves me. <3

Nana and Granddaddy in the middle. 

Nana and Papa. And me over Nana's shoulder. And Mrs. Sheila over Papa's. lol

With Carter after another haircut. :)

What I would give to kiss that face again. 

I swear, looking at this picture, I could smell her and feel how soft her
skin was against my lips. I kissed her probably way too much.
But I'm so glad I did. 

Nana with Anslie. How beautiful are my niece's eyes??

With Carter before his first church service

Just a couple of weeks before she passed away.
We were leaving to go look at Christmas lights.

With her Mama.

At my first wedding. 

At Eric's first wedding. 

Taking Nikki and I to church. 

Easter Sunday 2007. I only know that because I was
VERY pregnant with Carter. I think he was born the next week. 

loving baby Anslie. 

so sassy. ;)

look how chubby I was?? But I still love this picture. <3

Nana- top center

All of the Rowell siblings:
Clockwise: Geraldine, Lamar, Hollis, Horace, Jackie Faye

Nana and all of her grandbabies:

Clockwise: Jamie, Eric, Allyson, Nana, Kayla, Nikki

My last picture with my best friend.
I miss you so much, Nana.
Every minute of every day. 

Carter Julian Gregory Eldridge Watermelon Dumptruck Sky

Why, oh WHY am I up blogging at 6:30 a.m? I rarely get a chance to watch an entire 30 minute television show uninterrupted, so (considering that I've been up since 5:40 this morning) I kinda would like to be in the bed with my coffee catching up on Guiliana and Bill or REwatching Duck Dynasty. OR (even better) still sleeping. But, as nature would have it, I wake up every single year on April 27th at 5:40 in the morning with cramping. Strange? I don't know. I think maybe my body remembers that this day is the anniversary of something so very special and it wants to make sure I don't forget. How could I?

It was 5:40 a.m... April 27th, 2005. I was 12 days from my due date, when I woke up to some pretty intense cramps. Looking over at my sleeping husband (who would be getting up to get ready for work in a couple of hours) and seeing him sleeping peacefully, and knowing that our 2 year old daughter would probably still be sleeping at least until her Daddy woke up, I climbed into the bathtub and ran warm water over my belly trying to ease the discomfort. It still wasn't quite pain, but it was extremely uncomfortable. After more than an hour of sitting in the tub, my fingertips were sufficiently prune-like but my "cramps" were stronger, so I carefully climbed out of the tub and quietly sat on the bed trying to gently wake my still sleeping husband. {side note: my L&D with Harley was induced, so I didn't get to enjoy "starting labor" on my own at home, so I was loving every minute of this!} I don't remember the exact way it all happened. I remember telling him that I was about 99% sure that this was "baby day" and telling him he needed to call work. Then I remember getting to the hospital and being brought a wheel chair and everything seeming so surreal- like a movie. Because things really were happening (for the first time ever in life) just like they do in the movies. What I DON'T remember is what we did with Harley. I do know that she ended up with Ruthanne (my mother-out-law), although I don't remember exactly if she came to us or if we dropped her off. I suppose that's irrelevant, but the fact that I can't remember bothers me.

Once we got to the hospital, things moved pretty fast. Ruthanne must have taken Harley to Mema and Papa (HER mother and father, Harley's great-grandparents) because it was kind of important for her to be in the room with me. We had our "L&D crew"... the same group as before, with Harley- me (obviously), Reuben, Ruthanne, and Erin (his sister). We had a system, but this time I didn't want to crack jokes as much as I did when I was laboring with Harley. Could have been the lack of the epidural this go-round. Who knows? ;) I remember being mean to Reub this time, which is something I made a point NOT to do the first time. But, every time I would say something mean, he would laugh which would make more mad. (guess he thought I was cute when I was mad... anger is not in my nature, so I guess it probably was kind of funny...) I remember the nurse checking me & saying that I was at 9 cm and that they would come back in a little while to check again. I told her I felt like I needed to push & she told me not to. The GREAT thing about NOT having an epidural is that your body KNOWS what to do. Your body tells you when it's time to push. I'm convinced maybe that nurse had stupid fingers and just *thought* I was 9 when I was 10. Doesn't matter. She walked out, I got up and squatted on the bed (yes, squatted)... and started pushing. After a couple of pushes, I reached down & could feel his head. Ruthanne looked at Erin and said "Is she pushing?" and Erin said "I think so..." so Ruthanne ran to the door & yelled that someone needed to get in there to catch the baby. It took no time & Carter was out. My beautiful, healthy 2 ounces away from 9 pounds baby boy... :)

I had learned a lot from my first delivery with Harley. I learned to rest. I think another perk of NOT having the epidural is that your body instantly goes into recovery mode. I immediately wanted to go to sleep. So I did. And I think that was the best sleep I have had to date. I remember Reuben coming in to tell me every time a new out-of-town family member arrived, but I was out of it. I was not up for entertaining. PLUS, they were there to see the baby. Not me. And I was glad for that. A few hours after Carter was born (heck, it could have been 12 hours, I have no concept of time from that day), Reub came to tell me that his dad was taking him & his sister to Red Lobster and asked if I wanted anything. All I said was "sleep".

I won't go into the specifics, but a few hours before I was supposed to be released from the hospital, I ended up getting verrrry sick. I had a 103 degree fever and developed 2 types of e.coli (which I freaked about initially because all I could think of was the ebola virus. I thought I was going to bleed from every orifice and die.) which settled into my lungs and gave me pneumonia. I was in the hospital for 9 or 10 days after Carter was born. Thankfully, Carter was able to stay with me. I even had a couple of extra days to decide on a name. We knew it was Carter. (If Harley had been a boy, she would have been Carter, as well.) We both wanted to name our son after our mutual best friend, JG O'Connor. We had played around with middle names and knew we wanted to add Reub's dad's name (Greg) in there. Ruthanne's daddy, Papa, is one of the greatest men I've ever known. His name is Julian. So, when Reuben came in a few days after our son was born and I told him I had just filled out the birth certificate information and that he had a full name... he looked at me expectantly. "It's Carter Julian Gregory Eldridge. Carter JG." :) I thought he was going to cry. It was so perfect. So much name for such a little fella, but still so perfect.

I think being in that hospital for the extra week is what cemented my bond with Carter. Most people have to "share" their baby after just a few days. I got an extra week where it was mostly just the two of us. :)

When Carter was 3 he asked for some mighty strange gifts for Christmas. One was a watermelon dumptruck. I had NO idea where he got that from, but knew that I had to find one. I thought maybe he had seen it on tv or something... Nope. The kid made it up. So, I bought a toy dumptruck, and made watermelons out of modelling clay and painted them up to look like watermelons. This was, of course, his favorite gift that Christmas. I even made a little sign to go on the back of the dumptruck that said "Carter's Watermelon Dumptruck". Harley came to me a few hours later and said "Mama, now I KNOW Santa Claus is real because there was NO SUCH THANG as a watermelon dumptruck!!!"... a few weeks later, Carter "changed" his name to Carter Julian Gregory Eldridge Watermelon Dumptruck Sky. (I dunno where "sky" came from. He probably, literally, looked up and said "okay, sky, too.")

Not even *I* can find the words to describe how much I love this crazy, funny, beautiful, smart, selfless child. He owns me. 

my surro journey {thus far}

so many of you have asked about surrogacy. i've posted a little about it here & there (on facebook, various blog posts, etc), but so many people have asked why i decided to do this and how i even got started. i've had numerous women approach me saying that they, too, have always considered being a surrogate but have no clue where to begin. so, this is my story. of course, every surrogate's story is different. but, this is mine.

i knew pretty close to ten years ago that i wanted to do this. i'm not even sure that i really knew, at that time, what all would be involved, but i knew that i enjoyed being pregnant (i was currently pregnant with my first child) and found it utterly ridiculous that *I*, an eighteen year old girl working at Hooters, was able to so easily get pregnant (despite even being on birth control that, yes, I took regularly) when so many women who did things "the right way" struggled with the exact same thing. why would God allow *me* to carry a child to term, yet millions of grown women suffer from infertility or the inability to maintain a healthy pregnancy. of course, i still don't know the answer to that question, but i feel it's similar to "why does Christina Aguilera have those killer pipes, yet so many people who want it just as badly (auditioning for American Idol & such) can't carry a tune to save their life??" i just don't know. it's a gift, maybe. and i'm of the mindset that a gift is useless if you can't share it. now, please don't get me wrong & think that i feel that anyone who doesn't choose to "share her uterus" is being selfish. absolutely not. there is a lot that goes into carrying a child for someone else- both physically and emotionally. but for ME, personally, i've just felt compelled for so long that this was kind of my calling- just something i was meant to do.

so, after a failed journey (that i will talk about in another post at another time) several years ago, i decided to try again. honestly, i had almost given up, but i knew that if i didn't do it, i would always regret it. so, i hopped on surromomsonline.com (will be referred to as SMO from this point on) which is an online community for egg donors, sperm donors, both traditional and gestational surrogates, and IPs (Intended Parents) in search of the same. there are a LOT of surrogacy agencies. i, personally, chose to not work with any for the main reason that i really wanted to develop a personal, intimate relationship with the IPs beforehand and i feel that, through the agencies, it's all so much more "clinical" and business-like. many surrogates choose to work with a clinic, as do many IPs, primarily because it does make it a bit easier. you have a middle man who basically does most of the leg-work and paper pushing for you. there is no cost to the surrogate either way, but with a clinic- they will pre-screen you (questionnaires), then you submit medical testing that is necessary (recent paps & other gynecological testing), then you complete a psychological evaluation and they proceed to "match" you with IPs. it is not necessary to have your own health insurance prior to becoming a surrogate, although it does make it much easier to be matched quickly, as that is a requirement for some IPs. another benefit to the agencies is that they already have a fee schedule in place. a first-time surrogate can expect anywhere from 18-25,000 (on average) as compensation for the pregnancy when going through an agency. there are also what are called "compassionate surrogacies" where a surrogate may choose to not ask a fee at all, and simply require that the medical costs be covered. there are also instances where an IP may want a surrogate to eat a certain way throughout the pregnancy, and in those cases usually the IP will provide enough compensation monthly to cover those eating habits. but, the agency covers all of that for both the surro and the IP. again, i chose to not go through a clinic, so i went to the "classifieds" at SMO and began replying to ads from couples and individuals that i felt i could help. i "talked" via email to many, many, many couples until i "met" adriana. somehow, i just knew she was "the one". we clicked instantly & when we spoke on the phone for the first time it was like talking to a girlfriend i had known for years.

at this point, as most of you know, i spent the entire day in jacksonville, fl yesterday for doctor visits. adriana and i both had our psychological evaluations (we both passed! wooohooo!!) and then we had to go to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for our physicals. during my exam they did what is called a "mock transfer" where they "transfer" a saline solution through the cervix and into the uterus just as they will later transfer the embryos. that is to make sure that my cervix is favorable for the procedure and that my uterus is in prime condition as well. unfortunately (and fortunately) the doctor did find some issues with me, health-wise. neither of these conditions will interfere with me being able to carry adriana's baby(ies), but they are issues that have to be dealt with. first, he pointed out to me that my ovaries are covered in cysts- a condition called polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). thankfully, this is something that can be treated after delivery. it also explains many "issues" that i've had over the past few years, so i'm extremely thankful to finally KNOW what the problem is. the other issue he found is a polyp in my uterus. this can be a more serious problem, but we are confident that it is nothing and (again, thankfully) this is something that can be treated easily. within the next few weeks i will have surgery to remove the polyp in jacksonville and recovery will be a snap. there is no "downtime" that is necessary after the procedure before we can do the transfer so that is wonderful news!!! :)

i am MORE than happy to share any more information with anyone, so if you have any questions- please feel free to ask. you guys know i'm an open book. :) and, as always, i will update you all as things progress! :D

Carter's House Rules

This is my Carter. Well, Carter Julian Gregory Eldridge Watermelon Dumptruck Sky. What a name, huh? Well, his name really IS a mouthful, but to be completely honest, the "Watermelon Dumptruck Sky" he added himself when he was about 3. He is a giant handful in a tiny little package. He has a huge heart and is incredibly sensitive, but is *such* a boy at the same time. The kid loves bugs, frogs, anything creepy & crawly. He's loud. He's super hyperactive. And, to be completely honest, if you spend more than a couple of hours with him, the majority of that time will be spent saying "Carter, stop." "Carter, calm down." "Carter, NO!" "Carter- STOP RUNNING/YELLING/ANNOYING YOUR SISTER!!!" But, I love him. I love him so much. He, actually, is the only one of my three children that was planned. We knew we wanted a son & I'm pretty sure that about 20 minutes after deciding we would start trying for a second child- I was pregnant.

Carter will be 7 in 20 days (side note: today Braydon is 19 months!!). That will merit a whole other post. But, for now, I just want to share with you something Carter said the other day. As I was sitting on the edge of his bed, trying to get him moving for the day, I asked him what kind of Daddy he thought he would be when he grew up. "A really fun, cool Daddy." "Really?" I asked him. "What kinds of rules will you have? Or will you not have any rules?" "Mama!!! You HAVE to have rules. But, I'll only have important ones." So, I grabbed a pen & a sheet of paper & asked him to start making a list of his rules.

Here is what he came up with:

Carter's House Rules

1. No breaking t.v.s
2. No riding bikes in the house.

3. No playing ball in the house unless we have a basketball goal in the house and a basketball.

4. No playing with hooks. (really sharp hooks)

5. No drinking drugs. (because that is a bad thang)


And, there you have it. :) The rules you will have to follow should you ever want to go stay with grown up Carter. :)