fake it til you make it

she just woke up one morning and decided she didn't want to feel that way anymore....

well, that all sounds easy enough, right? i mean, how do you just *change* how you feel? i don't think this is about changing how you feel about how you feel about someone or something, but more so about how you let those feelings affect your life.

the sir and i ended our relationship on the 8th of september. for another handful of weeks we were off and on, back and forth. while the relationship, for the most part, had been phenomenal- the breakup was a difficult one. the weeks following the breakup were worse. the constant checking of my phone to see if he had called or text. having to actually delete his number so that i wouldn't call or text him. we would each say hurtful things. hateful things. things that we knew would really hit the other hard. then we would each act as though we didn't care, only to apologize hours later with an "i love you". it wasn't healthy. but we did love one another. we still do. i know that i can speak for myself only, but i will always love that man for all of the good that is within him. and there really is so much good. i used to tell people "i just wish that everyone could have someone look at them the way i look at 'the sir'", and i meant that. everyone deserves that. including myself. i deserve that, as well. sometimes he would look at me and i knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with. that nothing in this world could change my love for him. and i was right about parts of that. we definitely have that "for better or worse" thing down. because we showed each other our "worse". both of us did. and while i loved him through it, sometimes love isn't enough. i am well-versed in love not being enough to sustain a relationship.

we wanted different things, ultimately. that's what i tell people. and it really is true. that's the biggest issue. our "fundamental flaw" as he puts it. he has two vices- women and a bottle. i was an emotional rollercoaster (and trust me, the lows go as low as the highs go high) and i kept things from him and would lie to him to cover up the things i was keeping from him. and we would both try to "fix" ourselves and "fix" one another, but at the end of the day- as much as we loved each other- we really just wanted different things out of life.

so i've cried probably buckets of tears. and its not just the relationship ending. there has been so much going on in my life that i will some day sit down and write about because it's a part of my still evolving testimony. but for now, (because i'm asked daily how the sir is doing or if we're still together) this is what you're getting.

we tried. both of us did. and maybe we didn't try as hard as we could have. we're both stubborn people. extraordinarily stubborn. and prideful. neither of us wants to be the one to back down. ever. and that's difficult when both people in a relationship are that way. we brought that out in one another. but i say ALL of that to say this--- i woke up and decided that i no longer wanted to feel that way. so i didn't.

i made the conscious decision to be happy. i decided to surround myself with other imperfect people who know how ugly THEY are and know how ugly I am and that want to grow with me. people who encourage my walk with Christ. people who will pray for me, but also pray WITH me. people who talk about their faith with me and allow me the freedom to talk about my faith with them.

and while it's difficult to just not feel a certain way... it's not even so much that you don't feel it... you just have to "fake it til you make it", right?