hate

i hate it. i absolutely hate it. and i NEVER use that word. i usually stick with "despise" or something similar, but in this case- hate may not even be a strong enough word to describe how i feel about it.... 

"it" being that feeling that you get when you think about someone you used to be close to... someone that chose to no longer be a part of your life. for some people it's an old lover, ex-spouse, a family member- perhaps even their own parent or child or sibling. i said the other day {on Facebook} that i love the feeling you get when you see someone like that and you look better and you realize that you're over it, so to speak. and i do. i really do *love* that feeling. what i don't love {ahem, what i hate} is the feeling of overwhelming sadness when you randomly think about that person. remembering that they weren't looking their best that day suddenly doesn't make you feel much better because you know that they are so much more than what they look like. your memories aren't based on what shirt they wore or how their hair was... it's things like late night conversations... staying up with them til 3 a.m. on the phone when they called you crying... riding out to the middle of nowhere and parking and just talking for hours, telling each other things that NO ONE else knew. it's dancing like idiots and not really caring what anyone else thought. it's "inside jokes" and certain phrases that were exclusive to your relationship. i hate it. and i hate when you call that person over something that they told you before that NO MATTER WHAT they always wanted to know about this particular part of your life... and they just don't care. like, they care so little that you can't even get out what you were calling about. they want to know "what it pertains to". seriously? you have to have a reason to call someone who used to be one of your best friends. i hate it. 

"it" being the knowledge that, despite what once was, this person is no longer your best friend. they're no longer your friend. hell, you're barely acquaintances anymore. if so, that's all you are. you know each other's name, phone number memorized no matter how you try to forget it, deepest, darkest secrets... but you just don't know that person anymore because they don't want you to. i hate it.

"it" being the feeling of being insignificant. the feeling that you put yourself out there completely, gave everything you had- and it wasn't good enough. it didn't matter. it was worth walking away from. i hate it.

"it" being the phone that doesn't ring. the unreturned messages. the picture hidden in a folder on the computer that shows us laughing and just being "us". the shirt that i eventually just threw away. 

"it" being the sound of your voice, but only because i don't get to hear it anymore. "it" being every restaurant we ever ate at. i can't even drive by top corral without getting angry now. angry at you for lying. for telling me that we would be friends no matter what, but really not even taking into consideration what that word "friend" means. obviously. angry that you don't care about any thing that you cared about not so many months ago.

i hate it. "it" being my heart that still refuses to stop caring. it keeps holding out hope that some day you'll come around & we'll go back to being friends again... like we were. but, i hope and pray that by that time i won't care. that maybe my heart will know better. hearts don't think, though, do they? i hate that.

"what's on your mind?"

I've posted blogs before trying to be candid about *who* this "plain ole Shealey girl" really is... {for those of you who do not know, "Shealey" is my maiden name & despite the former "Eldridge" or the current "Brooks" at the end of my name, I will *always* be a "Shealey" girl... in fact, many of my friends still call me Kayla Shealey & will never refer to me as anything else}. In fact, you can find a couple of those posts here and here. I pride myself in being an open book, but in reality- there are some things I don't talk about at all. Maybe because I don't like the way they make me look. "Since when has Kayla cared about what others think??" you're probably asking yourself. Oh, only since forever. I think that people who say that they don't care are lying. Or selfish, inconsiderate ass holes. (if you're offended by the language, I apologize. It is not my intention to offend anyone, but I do tend to use some "inappropriate" language from time to time because sometimes "butt head" just doesn't cut it) I try to just be who I am and not let what others think change that, but I do care what people think of me. I don't want anyone talking about me when I'm not around, saying ugly things behind my back (or to my face, for that matter) because I'm a sensitive person. I get my feelings hurt easily. I'm a wuss. Fine. And, ya know, maybe *every* thought I have isn't meant to be expressed, but if I'm saying that this blog was created as a journal for me... an outlet for myself... shouldn't I write about whatever is on my heart... mind... whatever?? Heck, maybe I'll find that I'm not the only person who feels the way I do. There is some sort of validation in hearing "girl, I know exactly what you mean". I suppose, when you have a blog, you're opening yourself up to criticism and you're letting people judge you. Putting yourself out on a proverbial platter... waiting for someone to accept or reject your thoughts, emotions, etc. Anyway. That's enough talking about talking about my feelings (did you get that?)... time to actual talk about them... errr, type. Whatever. Same difference.

*deep sigh* What's on my mind?? Facebook asks me that a lot. Every time I get on. I could be honest and say "Oreos." but that would just be my status. It would just say:
Kayla Brooks Oreos.
That would be it. And I'm sure no one cares that Oreos are on my mind (and they usually are. I love Golden Oreos.)... so I don't bore you guys with that sort of stuff. Usually. Sometimes I can't resist. But, those of you who know me really well know what a sickeningly hopeless romantic I am. I absolutely am addicted to the feeling of being in love. I fall fast and hard and without hesitation. It seems, to me, to be beyond my control. When I tell you I'm addicted to it, I really think I am. I think it's an illness of sorts. Of course, this makes me a wonderful partner in that I'm very affectionate and attentive and loving, but makes me a terrible partner in that I crush a lot. Usually just on "out of reach" people like {my love} Josh Wolf. But, sometimes on real-life people that I get to actually have conversations with. I've heard married people say before that once they fell for that "special person" that they just couldn't see anyone else "in that way" at all. That they weren't even attracted to any member of the opposite sex. I call bull shit. I mean, I could be wrong. (Again, this is just *my* personal rant... feelings as experienced by yours truly... please do not crucify me for calling bull shit on something that may or may not actually be bull shit.) I have a hard time believing that there is ONE person out there for everyone. That would mean that either I didn't really love my first husband or that I don't really love my current husband. Or that I won't love the next one. (ha! the next one... that was my attempt at a joke) I'm a lover. It's what I do. I believe I mentioned that.
Exhibit A: I fell in love for the first time when I was ten. Yes, ten years old. This month was the eighteenth anniversary of the first time I saw his face. I know I was a kid, but boy did he make my stomach do this crazy mexican jumping bean thing... His name was Josh (but most of you already knew that, didn't you?) and I was gonna marry that boy. At ten. We went trick-or-treating together... shared a dum-dum sucker before we had ever had our first kiss and that was *such* a big deal to me. My world revolved around Josh. He used to ride his bike to my house after school and we would walk around the yard holding hands. I heard the term "puppy love" used so many times and I seriously despised the term. We were not dogs. We were kids. But, we were kids that were in love. And that lasted far longer than anyone (other than myself) had imagined. At seventeen, we were still holding hands. I still loved that boy. But, as I have said a hundred and twelve times. Life happens. Things change. People change. And things are only good until they aren't anymore.
Exhibit B: I moved on. I loved Reuben. Oh, how I loved that boy. And then that man. We had something that people dreamed of having. No one could tell us anything. We were young and so in love... and it was going to last forever. We had a baby. Things were more difficult than we had ever dreamed, but life was still so, so good. We had another baby. Life was better. We were still young. We were still in love. We loved each other, it seemed, more and more with each passing day. Some times, at night, I would hold him while he was sleeping (cheesy, I know) and think about what I would do without him lying next to me and my heart would literally ache to the point to where I thought I would throw up. I needed him like I needed oxygen. But, life happens. Things change. People change. And things are only good until they aren't anymore. It's not like I woke up one morning and said "I'm going to cheat on my husband. I'm going to start a relationship with someone else." That's not how it happened at all. I could try my best to justify it, but the truth is- there is no excuse good enough to explain what I did. How I hurt him. How I hurt my children as a result of my actions. I think I didn't really expect the consequences as they played out. It didn't seem real. I wasn't getting attention at home. So what? I felt like he loved his stupid video game more than me. And?? I just wanted to feel loved, and wanted, and needed, and pretty, and special, and all those things that he made me feel not so many years before... Doesn't matter. Still not an excuse. But, at that time, I thought it was. I defended myself and my decisions and I had friends to back me up. I had people telling me "Girl, I don't blame you!! He deserved that. Doesn't he know that a woman has needs?? He didn't appreciate you so you found someone who would." It doesn't matter. I know now that it was just a season that we were going through in our life. It would have passed. That mantra "this too shall pass" kept me from losing my mind in the early days of new motherhood with a colicky newborn... why didn't I think of it when my marriage was falling apart? I was selfish. I believe that I thought that we would take some space- each do what we wanted for a while- and that we would both realize what we truly wanted... and that would be each other. Only, by the time I realized it, it was too late. He had filed for divorce. We were no longer separated. We were divorced. I was divorced at 23. I cried as I signed the papers. It sucked. It makes me want to throw up, even to this day, thinking about everything that I could have, should have done... but I suppose all the coulda, shoulda, wouldas in the world don't make a bit of difference now. So, I don't dwell on it. As always, I moved on....
Exhibit C: Brandon. My husband. The reason for the "Brooks" at the end of my name. Yes, he was "the other man", and as most of my friends know, it has been rocky from the start. Things are bound to be rocky when you start a relationship the way that we did- with lies and deception. Each of us hurting the people that we swore before God that we would never forsake. I can say from a place of  "been there, done that"... a person never really recovers from beginning a relationship the way we did. There will always be trust issues. Always. If he works late, some times I wonder if he's really out working... after all, that's what he said when he was sneaking off to see me. When he's working out of town and I call and he doesn't answer immediately, I wonder if some other girl is out of town with him... because I can remember driving to Columbus to spend several days with him while he was working. If he's more affectionate than usual- I wonder. If he's more standoff-ish, I wonder. Rarely do I feel so secure in my marriage that I'm not concerned about it. And, it's no one's fault but my own.
Now, in between those examples, there are exhibits A.2 (Ryan), A.3 (William), A.4 (another Ryan), B.2 (Brad), B.3 (Matt), and B.4 (John)... all guys that, for a brief moment in time, I thought coulda been "it"... and when it was over (as it obviously was), I thought that my world might end. It never did. The world keeps a'turnin'.... the sun rises the next day... despite my tear-stained pillow. And, now I'm still on friendly terms with all but one of them. I wish them all nothing but wonderful things and I can honestly say that I feel more than just a little bit silly thinking about all of the time and energy that I invested in crying over them... and, more than once, actually begging them to stick around (not my finest hours, undoubtedly)... I don't know what any of this has to do with anything. Maybe nothing. Maybe it's all just random, empty thoughts running around in my head... but I figured this was all a little much for a status update, so when Facebook asked what was on my mind today, I decided to blog it up. :)

judge away.

"The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands."

I know, I'm crazy. I always have something going on, so despite it looking like I do nothing (a stay-at-home mom without a super-tidy home?? what does she do all day? right?), I'm always doing something. Even if it's just planning a bazillion things at one time. Seriously. Like, right now, I'm already thinking of what I want to do for my birthday (mid-August... and I'm thinking a Roast... like on Comedy Central... where people spend an hour making fun of you. Could be fun for all.) and now Brandon has put in that he wants a big party this year, as well... Not to mention all of the planning that's been going into getting a photography business started up... as well as staying on top of the latest MRSA news... and being Mama. But, I've had this latest concept in my head for some time now and I think I'm actually going to put it to fruition.

An Annual Charity Baby Shower. We would throw a big baby shower... silly games, yummy food, maybe even mimosas for the 21 & ups who want a little drinky-drink... But, the whole point is this- to bring gifts for those who are less fortunate. As mothers, we ALL know what it takes to raise a child. Heck, even the necessities (diapers, wipes, clothes, carseats, bottles, and formula for those who can't or choose not to breastfeed) cost a LOT of money.

{before I go any further, I'm going to share a little story with you}
As some of you may know, my sweet Harley-girl was born six weeks after my nineteenth birthday. I didn't have a job. My husband did. He worked at WalMart at the Tire & Lube Express. Overtime. All the time. His mother was sent from heaven and allowed us to stay with her & just pay what we could, when we could (which, usually, wasn't anything at all... maybe an electric bill here or there). She purchased the crib & changing table, my dad & step mom painted the nursery, my grandmother purchased a comfy glider rocker, ALL of our friends and family bought our sweet little girl clothes and diapers. We had two car seats, a wipe warmer, a breast pump, a baby tub... and the gifts kept coming. My friends Danielle Davis and Emily Macheski-Preston even bought Harley her very first Halloween costume. She was a cow. (The cutest cow ever!!) Every thing that new parents could possibly need- and even things that I had no idea would come in so handy (breast milk storage bags?? but, wouldn't she eat everything that came out?? thanks to hyperlactation- no where close : Emily, I feel your pain). My point is this- it was ONLY by the grace of God and the unbelievable support of those around us that we were able to provide for our little angel. I now have a daughter who will be ten in September who has never known, from the time she was conceived, what it means to have to "go without". We were blessed, indeed. But, so many aren't. I've seen, firsthand, people who can't afford a crib, so their baby has no choice but to sleep in the bed with them. People who can't afford warm clothes for their baby, so instead they have no choice but to keep them inside or wrapped in nothing but blankets. I've seen people on Craigslist BEGGING to borrow formula from someone until their next pay day. And while I know that there are some people who may be putting themselves first and taking care of their own wants ahead of the baby's needs- it's not my place to determine that. I want to take care of the babies. To give them what they will need... but I can't do it alone.

I still have more research to do, and I'm sure that some of you ladies will know a little more about different charity organizations that we can donate to, but I really want this to be a successful event. I was thinking we could all bring new, unwrapped items (as few or as many as you can afford), as well as any left-over, no-longer-needed baby/maternity items that you have laying around. I would also like for each of us to get a new baby bottle (4 or 8 oz) and have that thing filled up with money (i don't care if it's filled with pennies that you grabbed from under your couch cushions, or if your neighbor gave you fifty ones to put in there) that will go to one of the charities. If a few people want to go in together to purchase some of the "big ticket items" like a car seat or a crib or a mattress... that would be AMAZING. Invite your friends, tell them to invite their friends. Invite every woman you know. Invite every pregnant woman that you know. Every new mother. Every grandmother. If you know of an expectant mother who is need, let her know about this event. I'm shooting for April. To me, that month just symbolizes birth. Largely, in part, to that being the month that Easter usually falls in &, as a Christian, that is the ultimate symbol of birth (the re-birth, rising of Christ)... Also, I was thinking about getting some people (maybe some teens from a local youth group or something?) to volunteer to monitor a child care area so that we could all bring our children... they could have activities set up for the different age groups, and even a movie going for the kids that just wanna watch a movie. Again, this is still a work in progress, but I would really like to know how many of you ladies are up for it? How many of you would be interested in helping me to even organize this thing & talk to businesses about sponsoring this event and get the word out? We could set up "planning meetings"... lets just really make this happen. There are so many women and BABIES that really need us. Feel free to "share" this so that we can get the word out & get as many people involved as possible!!!

"At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done.

We will be judged by 'I was hungry and you gave me to eat, I was naked and you clothed me, I was homeless and you took me in.'

Hungry not only for bread -- but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing -- but naked for human dignity and respect. Homeless not only for want of a room of bricks -- but homeless because of rejection." - Mother Teresa

my little superman

Due to his having MRSA (an antibiotic resistant staph infection that just KEEPS coming back), Braydon doesn't get to have a lot of sweets. It's not such a big deal to me because I don't have much of a sweet tooth anyway (however, if you catch me on the right day, I can devour a row of Golden Oreos in a matter of minutes!). But, Braydon, like most little people, loves cookies. It's not even just cookies that he loves so much- Cheetos, Ritz crackers, suckers, Reese's cups.... any kind of "junk food". Unfortunately, all of these are on the list of foods he needs to stay away from. Being the proactive-lets-keep-the-kid-out-of-the-hospital-and-do-everything-we-can-as-naturally-as-possible-before-turning-to-antibiotics kind of mom that I am, I did a lot of research. And by "a lot", I mean countless hours on forums reading from people who have had children who have suffered or have actually themselves suffered from this horrendous, painful super-bug. One thing that I've found is that MRSA has a very difficult time living in an alkaline environment. It thrives on acid... so one method of eradicating this thing, is to limit acid foods and increase the alkalinizing foods (most all green veggies are high on the alkaline scale, where carbs, sugars, and "junk" are all high on the acidic scale). Soy products are also very alkalinizing, so for his snacks lately, it's been soy yogurt (which he loves and is super healthy anyway)... I try to encourage healthy eating habits with all of my children, but sometimes a kid just wants a french fry... or a cookie.

So, the other day, I pulled the Golden Oreos out from their hiding place (I hide them from myself... out of sight, out of mind, right?) and gave my little monkey one. The last time he ate one, he discovered "dunking"... this time, he discovered that they twist apart!!!! and there's all kinds of yummy chocolate-y stuff in the middle!!!

here he is discovering that Oreos come apart :)

BUT he also knows that he usually is not allowed to have these cookies... so, not sure if he's really allowed to eat it, he sneaks off to his tent (this was captured from around the corner with some serious zoom). notice there is already chocolate creme filling on the back of his diaper.. and, somehow, his foot.

hehe. he thought he was getting away with something...

the moment he realized he was "busted"

I just love that little guy so much. Knowing that this infection is something that has been deadly for so many, we are so thankful to have our baby boy & praise God for every single day that he is healthy. Each time that a new outbreak comes, we quarantine him in the house, bleach everything, go about our routine to kill it, and just pray non-stop that it keeps getting better with our "home treatments"... as soon as a fever spikes, we're back to the hospital. Thankfully, we have not been there since September, and we pray that we don't have to go back. (I don't talk about it much because it's still so scary to me and I don't do well with scary... I hide from confrontation.. even when it's just reality that's confronting me)

But, on a happier note- here is Bray with his bestest buddy (Daddy) just being silly little boys. :)

Brandon seriously smothers him with kissies. He's worse than a mommy half the time. <3

 And I just love this one because it shows Booga playing... this what 25% of our day is spent doing... hiding.