You're hurting. I get that. You've known him for so long... it seemed so right... how could it be over? Or maybe you just met her... even though it seemed like the two of you had been together forever... and now she's gone. How did that happen?? How did you get to this point where this person that, for a moment, had become your everything is now suddenly nothing? Maybe it was a big fall out... something happened. A lie. A fight. An infidelity. Or maybe it was little things that were adding up all along that you didn't see until you looked up and realized that they were done. They were already gone even though they were right in front of you. Or maybe it was neither of those. Maybe it was just a simple case of incompatibility. It doesn't matter. I mean, obviously, it matters. If it didn't matter you wouldn't be hurting. And you are. You feel like someone kicked you in the stomach. Like you want to throw up.
I'm not here to tell you that it's going to be okay (even though it will). I'm not going to fill you with tales of my own heartbreaks (they are too numerous to count). I'm not going to tell you that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that this one will someday just be a memory... I mean, all of that is true; yes. But, I also know firsthand (and all too recently) that love doesn't care. It doesn't care that there are other men. It doesn't care that you should be over it because she obviously doesn't deserve someone who will give her everything that you would have. Love does not understand that someday you will wake up and just be okay. Because, honestly, you don't want to be okay. You just want him. You just want her. Despite *knowing* what is best for you... I think Collin Raye said it best when he said "It ain't the mind that calls the shots 'round here..." It's not. The heart wants what the heart wants. And right now your heart wants what's not necessarily good for it. It's a vicious cycle, really. Once you start thinking you're okay, something happens... they come back or reach out, or something reminds you of them... and you fall back into first this unrelenting hope. It just won't let go. You can't not think that maybe this time it will be different... and then, when it's not different at all, the pain. God, the pain. No, I'm not going to tell you to be strong. You don't have to be. I'm here to tell you that not only is what you're feeling a completely valid emotion... it's NECESSARY. You need to feel what you're feeling now and experience it in it's entirety in order to be okay. "Hide your crazy and start acting like a Lady?" No thanks. Let your crazy out if you have to. Do whatever it is that you have to do to feel better. You need to hurt like this. You need to feel it in every fiber of your being. You need to sob until your chest hurts and your eyes burn. You need to just experience it all. Because once you're over it, you'll know that you're truly over it. You will know that there are no left over emotions waiting to sneak up on you. You will be happy to move on.... or to be single. But the most important thing is- you'll be happy. And when someone shows you a picture on Facebook of him with his new girl, you can actually be happy for him. You can think about the happy memories without dwelling on them; without hurting. When someone tells you that she's with someone new, you can genuinely think to yourself "I hope he treats her right" without wishing that you could still be that someone.
And, let me tell you from experience, that makes it so worth just succumbing to the pain.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
i have a tendency to ramble.....
it's almost midnight and i've just sat down to eat dinner. i almost didn't even bother, considering that i'm deliriously tired,but decided that (having only eaten 2 1/2 chicken fingers and 3 french fries today) it would probably be a good idea to heat something up. so i popped some left over chinese into the microwave. i'm so tired. and the baby is still awake. i can't think that he has EVER in his entire life been up this late. but, he had vaccinations today and has had a really rough day ever since (that's been hours ago now...) so that means that this mama has had a rough day, as well.
my life is not easy. it is wonderful, but it is not easy. i laugh a lot. i've been told that i laugh too much and that "everything is not funny" (amazing how long something you say to a woman can stay in her mind), and i suppose everything is not funny. i know it's not. my life is not funny. again, it is wonderful. and i love my children and i love so much about my life. but i'm tired. and i'm lonely. i'm far from alone, but i'm so lonely. braydon sleeps in the bed with me, not because he is dependent, but because i am. he's not much of a cuddler, but i try my best to make him.
my mornings start around the same time most other moms' mornings start. my alarm goes off at 6:30. that's the first alarm that tells me i'm about to have to wake up. then the 6:40 alarm goes off and i know i have to get up. i fuss with children about getting out the door on time while also trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake the baby. this is a difficult task, in itself. once the "big kids" are out the door, i start my coffee and begin laundry. with 4 people in this house, there's ALWAYS laundry. i can't even begin to give you a general rundown of an average day in this house because it is NEVER the same. but it ends the same way most every night. after dinner, harley will lay down in one room, carter in another, braydon & i in my bed. disney jr is on the tv until braydon falls asleep. then big bang theory. i don't even want to turn the tv off, because then i'm left alone with my thoughts. so much in my life that i want to change. so much that i want to get better at. i suck at housekeeping. i do. i really, really do. and i've never denied that. i wish i were better at it. i wish i were more organized. i want to be. i take comfort in knowing that i'm not the only person who is like that- that i have friends whose houses look just like mine. but at the same time, that's not helpful for me. because i hate that i am THIS bad at it. if i could pick one thing to change about myself- that would be it. because, really, i think i'm pretty awesome for the most part, other than that. i need to get another job. something with a guaranteed income so that i know how much money i'll be bringing in each week. but then i think about things like wondering how i would get done the things that i get done during the day. the client meetings, the emails, the doctor appointments. we have a minimum of 1 dr appt each week during the day that either i have to attend, or take one of the children to. and if it's not a dr appt it's an appointment of another kind. i don't have a husband or close family around to help out with that kind of thing anymore. and i understand that women have done this before me. so i don't want pity or anything like that. i'm just trying to navigate it all and i don't really know what i'm doing. i'm learning. and i'm trying. i just feel a lot of the time like i'm failing. i want so badly to be able to do this without asking for help. without a man. i don't want to NEED a man. but, honestly, i do want one. i know. i'm a serial monogamist. i'm always dating or talking to or married to someone. have been for 20 years. ever since josh. but, i just love being in a relationship. i love having someone to care for. someone to love. someone to love me back. (probably one of the reasons why i love being a mama so much) i love having someone to watch crappy tv with at night. someone to get me interested in things that i never in a bazillion years thought i would be interested in. WHO watches poker on tv? i do. i mean, i never did. but i caught myself doing it a week or so ago and he's not even here anymore. he rubbed off on me, i suppose. i watched a little baseball over the weekend. by myself. no one was making me. and i was into it. what the heck? but i like that. i like having someone to open me up to other worlds. i like having someone to kiss me. i like that a lot. i mean, of course i don't want to have to force something that isn't there. and i don't want someone who doesn't actually want to be with me. and of course, the ones who want me, i don't want (isn't that the way it goes?).... but it's not all relationship stuff. yes, i'm lonely. but there's just so much on my brain that doesn't shut off so i'm not going to sleep until 2-3 every morning. then waking up at 6:30. and even that sleep isn't uninterrupted. then my days are what they are. and i have to be home no matter what i'm doing so that i can be here at 2:50 when the big kids get off the bus. it just never stops. and i don't even know what the point of this post is. i just couldn't sleep. mainly, tonight, because i have a fussy toddler next to me. but i guess tonight i just thought i would write (ahem. type) everything that i was thinking.
i think that getting back to going to church regularly will help me with the clearing of my mind and hopefully give me a little more peace. my friend, krista, and i are searching for a new church home. part of the reason i don't go every sunday like i want to is that it takes a lot to get myself and 3 kids dressed and ready and get to my home church about 20 miles away. i would be more likely to go regularly if it were closer. we want a church home that will have services on wednesdays, as well. that's important to us both. so we will start somewhere this wednesday. i'm looking forward to that. i always feel better about my life when i'm active in the church. maybe i should pray that God will help me keep my house clean. :/
my life is not easy. it is wonderful, but it is not easy. i laugh a lot. i've been told that i laugh too much and that "everything is not funny" (amazing how long something you say to a woman can stay in her mind), and i suppose everything is not funny. i know it's not. my life is not funny. again, it is wonderful. and i love my children and i love so much about my life. but i'm tired. and i'm lonely. i'm far from alone, but i'm so lonely. braydon sleeps in the bed with me, not because he is dependent, but because i am. he's not much of a cuddler, but i try my best to make him.
my mornings start around the same time most other moms' mornings start. my alarm goes off at 6:30. that's the first alarm that tells me i'm about to have to wake up. then the 6:40 alarm goes off and i know i have to get up. i fuss with children about getting out the door on time while also trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake the baby. this is a difficult task, in itself. once the "big kids" are out the door, i start my coffee and begin laundry. with 4 people in this house, there's ALWAYS laundry. i can't even begin to give you a general rundown of an average day in this house because it is NEVER the same. but it ends the same way most every night. after dinner, harley will lay down in one room, carter in another, braydon & i in my bed. disney jr is on the tv until braydon falls asleep. then big bang theory. i don't even want to turn the tv off, because then i'm left alone with my thoughts. so much in my life that i want to change. so much that i want to get better at. i suck at housekeeping. i do. i really, really do. and i've never denied that. i wish i were better at it. i wish i were more organized. i want to be. i take comfort in knowing that i'm not the only person who is like that- that i have friends whose houses look just like mine. but at the same time, that's not helpful for me. because i hate that i am THIS bad at it. if i could pick one thing to change about myself- that would be it. because, really, i think i'm pretty awesome for the most part, other than that. i need to get another job. something with a guaranteed income so that i know how much money i'll be bringing in each week. but then i think about things like wondering how i would get done the things that i get done during the day. the client meetings, the emails, the doctor appointments. we have a minimum of 1 dr appt each week during the day that either i have to attend, or take one of the children to. and if it's not a dr appt it's an appointment of another kind. i don't have a husband or close family around to help out with that kind of thing anymore. and i understand that women have done this before me. so i don't want pity or anything like that. i'm just trying to navigate it all and i don't really know what i'm doing. i'm learning. and i'm trying. i just feel a lot of the time like i'm failing. i want so badly to be able to do this without asking for help. without a man. i don't want to NEED a man. but, honestly, i do want one. i know. i'm a serial monogamist. i'm always dating or talking to or married to someone. have been for 20 years. ever since josh. but, i just love being in a relationship. i love having someone to care for. someone to love. someone to love me back. (probably one of the reasons why i love being a mama so much) i love having someone to watch crappy tv with at night. someone to get me interested in things that i never in a bazillion years thought i would be interested in. WHO watches poker on tv? i do. i mean, i never did. but i caught myself doing it a week or so ago and he's not even here anymore. he rubbed off on me, i suppose. i watched a little baseball over the weekend. by myself. no one was making me. and i was into it. what the heck? but i like that. i like having someone to open me up to other worlds. i like having someone to kiss me. i like that a lot. i mean, of course i don't want to have to force something that isn't there. and i don't want someone who doesn't actually want to be with me. and of course, the ones who want me, i don't want (isn't that the way it goes?).... but it's not all relationship stuff. yes, i'm lonely. but there's just so much on my brain that doesn't shut off so i'm not going to sleep until 2-3 every morning. then waking up at 6:30. and even that sleep isn't uninterrupted. then my days are what they are. and i have to be home no matter what i'm doing so that i can be here at 2:50 when the big kids get off the bus. it just never stops. and i don't even know what the point of this post is. i just couldn't sleep. mainly, tonight, because i have a fussy toddler next to me. but i guess tonight i just thought i would write (ahem. type) everything that i was thinking.
i think that getting back to going to church regularly will help me with the clearing of my mind and hopefully give me a little more peace. my friend, krista, and i are searching for a new church home. part of the reason i don't go every sunday like i want to is that it takes a lot to get myself and 3 kids dressed and ready and get to my home church about 20 miles away. i would be more likely to go regularly if it were closer. we want a church home that will have services on wednesdays, as well. that's important to us both. so we will start somewhere this wednesday. i'm looking forward to that. i always feel better about my life when i'm active in the church. maybe i should pray that God will help me keep my house clean. :/
just because
just because my heart no longer breaks when i hear your name, it doesn't mean it doesn't bend a little.
just because i don't cry any more, it doesn't mean that i don't still get sad.
just because i no longer hope for a future with you, it doesn't mean that i don't think about what it could have been like.
just because i've moved on, it doesn't mean that you don't still cross my mind.
just because i blocked your number, it doesn't mean that i don't still check my phone to see if you've text.
just because there's someone new and i deny that he looks anything like you, it doesn't mean that i don't see it myself when other people bring it up.
just because i love you still, it doesn't mean that i'm still in love with you and it doesn't mean that i'm not okay.
just because i do care, it doesn't mean that i want what we had- or what i mistakenly thought we had.
just because i wanted you to be "it" and for a moment thought that you might be, it doesn't mean that you were. "it" is still out there for me. "he" is out there.
just because i'm writing this, it doesn't mean that i think you're going to care about what it says.
just because my heart no longer breaks when i hear your name, it doesn't mean it doesn't bend a little.
Monday, August 19, 2013
you may say i'm a dreamer....
i live with my head in the clouds. i've been told that for as long as i can remember. and i don't deny it. but, heck- if it weren't for dreams, we would have nothing to aim for, right? i mean, if you shoot beyond the stars and you fall a little short, you've probably still accomplished something pretty spectacular.
one would probably think that, being divorced twice before i turned 30, i would have written off marriage and being in love and all of that. aaaaaaand, i pretty much had. i swear, i had *just* gotten out of my mouth that i didn't want to date. i just wanted to do the single mom thing and not have a boyfriend or anything like that probably until the kids were grown. and, boy, did i mean it. but, in the back of my mind, there was this one guy. the dream, if you will.
my pinterest board is full of my dreams. crafty things that i could make if i had the sewing machine that i will someday have. things i plan to paint, or build, or cook. organizational tips... that's *really* dreaming big for me. ;) and, of course, like most women on this "electronic hoarding site", i have boards for my dream home and wedding... (aptly named "in da hizzouse" and {how appropriate} "...a girl can dream, right?")
in kayla's fantasy land, my home looks something like this:
one would probably think that, being divorced twice before i turned 30, i would have written off marriage and being in love and all of that. aaaaaaand, i pretty much had. i swear, i had *just* gotten out of my mouth that i didn't want to date. i just wanted to do the single mom thing and not have a boyfriend or anything like that probably until the kids were grown. and, boy, did i mean it. but, in the back of my mind, there was this one guy. the dream, if you will.
my pinterest board is full of my dreams. crafty things that i could make if i had the sewing machine that i will someday have. things i plan to paint, or build, or cook. organizational tips... that's *really* dreaming big for me. ;) and, of course, like most women on this "electronic hoarding site", i have boards for my dream home and wedding... (aptly named "in da hizzouse" and {how appropriate} "...a girl can dream, right?")
in kayla's fantasy land, my home looks something like this:
without that strange twiggy thing in the front. and smaller. i'm thinking ranch instead of split level. and more stone... and wood instead of vinyl. and i don't see rocking chairs on that porch. mine would have to have rocking chairs. and you can't see the back, but in *my* dream, the back has a big deck. with a fire pit.
inside is a big fire place. there's a fire place in the master bedroom/bathroom, as well. it's one of those 2 way fire places that's in the wall between the two rooms. and, also in the master bedroom (near the fire place) is a big comfy chair that i can curl up in and read.
i'll revamp my bedroom furniture and turn my current dresser into this
{it's actually next on my project list}
and, i dream about my wedding. i pin a LOT. but, when i dream about my home... and i dream about my wedding, i dream more about the *feelings* involved in all of that. i dream about decorating my home for Christmas... baking snickerdoodles the night before, like we do every year... with the kids running around in their Christmas pj's all excited about Santa... the smell of cinnamon wafting through the house. i dream about Sunday afternoons, cooking a big family dinner while my husband plays golf, and we all sit at the table together and eat and talk about the highs and lows of our week. i dream about having someone to come home to me, walking through the door and kissing me "hello" before retiring to his recliner for the remainder of the evening while i finish dinner and bathe the kids. i dream of someone who will catch lizards with carter, throw a ball with braydon, threaten harley's boy friends... not a daddy for them- harley and carter have a daddy. but some one who will be there in their lives, showing them what a love and a marriage and a family is supposed to be.
i dream about all of the pretty, cutesy stuff that goes into a wedding, but more than anything- i dream about the feeling of getting ready the morning of with my closest friends, knowing that in a few short hours, there will be waiting at the end of the aisle for me a man who wants to spend the rest of his life loving me. a man who, despite all the reasons he should run, will be waiting at the end of that aisle... smiling... nervous... happy. and i'll cry and i'll laugh and it will be the beginning of everything because i will know that that's it. that the man in front of me is the man that will love me eternally. {that's a long time}
my dream involves a lot of love. my dream is having someone to take care of. someone to cook for. someone whose laundry i'll wash, and whose shirts i'll have to drop off at the cleaner's because i can't iron. someone who will make sure that my tires stay rotated and oil stays changed. someone who will spend his days off of work doing things that he enjoys doing because he works so hard when he's at work, that he's earned "his time". someone who doesn't complain when i meet a girlfriend for lunch and mani/pedis because he respects all that i do. someone who will support me in my business and offer opinions and ideas and genuinely care about what it is that i do. someone who will appreciate that i want to cook dinner at home most nights, but will also want to take me out from time to time. someone who will understand that, no matter how long we've been together, i don't ever want to stop "dating" him. my dream involves, eventually, another baby. (i'm not crazy, i swear. i just love this mommy thing) and my "dream man" will be excited when we start trying. and will want to be there for important doctors appointments and will fall asleep in the recliner with the baby on his chest. he'll jokingly try to take all the credit for how perfect our child turned out (because obviously, the child will be perfect) ;)
so if i didn't have that "dream wedding" or that "dream home"... as long as the rest of it fell into place, i would STILL feel like i was living the dream. and, to be completely honest, thinking that it may not happen- that maybe my chance for that dream has passed, kinda bums me out. but, you know me... i'm a dreamer. can't seem to make myself give up.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
How to NOT suck at being a single mom {as told by the one who probably sucks at it the most}
This morning I received not one, but TWO Happy Father's Day text messages from two very special mommies. They are both *such* good and kind people, that it really means so much to have my parenting efforts recognized.
I also was in the process of my semi annual house cleaning, and cooking Sunday dinner for the short people. So, yeah, I was kind of feeling like Superwoman. I started thinking about everything that I've learned in these almost 11 years of being a mother, and the short amount of time that I've had to be both. {let me preface this by saying that I am in no way downplaying the role that the baby daddy plays in our children's lives. he loves them dearly and would love to see their faces every day, however, he has a job to do and that job currently has him travelling the country living his dream}
If you're reading this blog, you're probably well aware that I am the QUEEN of unsolicited advice. I have no problem telling you how you should treat your husband, or the things you should expect out of a relationship even knowing that I kind of SUCK at the whole wife/girlfriend thing. (and bowling. I'm no good at that, either) That being said, I will *now* tell you how to NOT suck at being a single mom. Feel free to roll your eyes and say that I obviously know NOTHING about that which I speak of. Maybe I know nothing other than the fact that I have been beaten down with experience. And gotten back up. And been beaten down again. All before noon. Daily.
1. Let your kids sleep in as late as they want. This prevents you from having to feed them breakfast, thus saving you money on the grocery bill. If they wake up at 10, promptly inform them that it is "almost lunch time" and you're "about to start working on it"... this *should* help. Until around 4 when they're asking for lunch and you remind them of the sandwich they had at 11 and they let you know that the sandwich was breakfast and that they would like to eat lunch before dinner... this is when you throw candy at them. That usually keeps them quiet for a little while.
2. Have older children help you out around the house... and by "help you out" I mean, tell them to take the younger ones and go away. This is the most help you could ask for. Because they're only gonna do a half ass job at whatever you ask them to do anyway, so you may as well just do it yourself. Go ahead and judge. "The kids have to learn somehow.." Yes. They do. But then my house is STILL in shambles... after the kids cleaned. No, thank you. I mean, it's not gonna be CLEAN when I do it, but close enough for me.
3. Never underestimate the power of humiliation. I don't care what anyone says, it works. I just made my oldest son play fetch with a stick outside this morning because he kept bringing them in the house. I was tired of it. After several long minutes in the south GA heat running after a stick that I just kept throwing in the yard, pretty sure he learned. We came inside, grabbed some ice water and hugged it out. Well-- I patted him on the back. He was sweaty from chasing that stick. And he's an 8 year old boy, so he smelled bad. Regardless, he was most concerned that one of his friends was going to see him "playing fetch". I don't think he'll do it again.
4. Let them lie. Let the story get *really* good. Watch them spin that tale as far as they'll let it go. The entertainment level is boundless. And to watch them thinking they're getting away with it will fill you with a hope that they could someday have their own sitcom on Disney--- obviously, this child is a natural. Nod your head, let them think you fully believe them, let them walk confidently back to their room. Count to thirty. Then go bust 'em. It's beautiful. Just trust me.
5.Let them sleep with you as long as they want to. I could be wrong, but I've never known a high school senior who still sleeps in the bed with Mama and Daddy. Granted, sometimes you have to move them once they fall asleep, but the days of cuddles are going to be gone before you know it. Again- trust me. By the time you realize it, it's too late and the moment has passed. You'll never look back with the feeling that you spent too much time loving on your babies.
6. Cry. Gahhhh, just let it out!! You'll need it. I tried to hold it in. My kids are with me all the time. Even when the oldest two were at school, I still had the baby. Your kids don't need to see you break down. That's no bueno. They're still babies. They don't need to know that you're stressed or at your wit's end (until you make them go play fetch in the back yard--- a sure sign that Mama has SNAPPED!). But I was given the sage wisdom from one of the best single mother's that I know to just lock myself in the bathroom and let it all out. Unfortunately for me, my middle child figured out how to unlock the bathroom door and found me unravelled on the cold floor and asked "is it because you pooped and we're out of toilet paper? because I know where some is..." *smh*
7. Introduce them to GOOD music. Whatever you think is "good", let them jam out. Because whatever they listen to now is what your grandchildren will listen to, and what you will eventually have to listen to coming from their little mouths. My daughter does a great rendition of Harper Valley PTA. My grandchildren will be singing Travis Tritt and Blackhawk to me at some point. I look forward to that.
8. Dance. We do that A LOT around here. My kids love to see me let go and just be silly. Aaaaaaand I burn some calories. Win/Win.
9. Feel free to SUCK. That's how you DON'T suck--- accept that you're gonna screw up from time to time. We ALL do. The best parents (single, married, remarried, gay, lesbian, WHATEVER) suck. Day in and day out. Some times MULTIPLE times a day. I've messed up this parenting thing I think 5 times today already. It happens. Don't feel like cooking? Don't. Ramen Noodles are awesome. And the kids love them. Lunchables are great, as well. Or, heck, cereal. They'll thank you. Really.
10. Love. That's really the most important. Just love them. With everything you have, love those babies. As long as you do that, you can't mess up too bad.
I also was in the process of my semi annual house cleaning, and cooking Sunday dinner for the short people. So, yeah, I was kind of feeling like Superwoman. I started thinking about everything that I've learned in these almost 11 years of being a mother, and the short amount of time that I've had to be both. {let me preface this by saying that I am in no way downplaying the role that the baby daddy plays in our children's lives. he loves them dearly and would love to see their faces every day, however, he has a job to do and that job currently has him travelling the country living his dream}
If you're reading this blog, you're probably well aware that I am the QUEEN of unsolicited advice. I have no problem telling you how you should treat your husband, or the things you should expect out of a relationship even knowing that I kind of SUCK at the whole wife/girlfriend thing. (and bowling. I'm no good at that, either) That being said, I will *now* tell you how to NOT suck at being a single mom. Feel free to roll your eyes and say that I obviously know NOTHING about that which I speak of. Maybe I know nothing other than the fact that I have been beaten down with experience. And gotten back up. And been beaten down again. All before noon. Daily.
1. Let your kids sleep in as late as they want. This prevents you from having to feed them breakfast, thus saving you money on the grocery bill. If they wake up at 10, promptly inform them that it is "almost lunch time" and you're "about to start working on it"... this *should* help. Until around 4 when they're asking for lunch and you remind them of the sandwich they had at 11 and they let you know that the sandwich was breakfast and that they would like to eat lunch before dinner... this is when you throw candy at them. That usually keeps them quiet for a little while.
2. Have older children help you out around the house... and by "help you out" I mean, tell them to take the younger ones and go away. This is the most help you could ask for. Because they're only gonna do a half ass job at whatever you ask them to do anyway, so you may as well just do it yourself. Go ahead and judge. "The kids have to learn somehow.." Yes. They do. But then my house is STILL in shambles... after the kids cleaned. No, thank you. I mean, it's not gonna be CLEAN when I do it, but close enough for me.
3. Never underestimate the power of humiliation. I don't care what anyone says, it works. I just made my oldest son play fetch with a stick outside this morning because he kept bringing them in the house. I was tired of it. After several long minutes in the south GA heat running after a stick that I just kept throwing in the yard, pretty sure he learned. We came inside, grabbed some ice water and hugged it out. Well-- I patted him on the back. He was sweaty from chasing that stick. And he's an 8 year old boy, so he smelled bad. Regardless, he was most concerned that one of his friends was going to see him "playing fetch". I don't think he'll do it again.
4. Let them lie. Let the story get *really* good. Watch them spin that tale as far as they'll let it go. The entertainment level is boundless. And to watch them thinking they're getting away with it will fill you with a hope that they could someday have their own sitcom on Disney--- obviously, this child is a natural. Nod your head, let them think you fully believe them, let them walk confidently back to their room. Count to thirty. Then go bust 'em. It's beautiful. Just trust me.
5.Let them sleep with you as long as they want to. I could be wrong, but I've never known a high school senior who still sleeps in the bed with Mama and Daddy. Granted, sometimes you have to move them once they fall asleep, but the days of cuddles are going to be gone before you know it. Again- trust me. By the time you realize it, it's too late and the moment has passed. You'll never look back with the feeling that you spent too much time loving on your babies.
6. Cry. Gahhhh, just let it out!! You'll need it. I tried to hold it in. My kids are with me all the time. Even when the oldest two were at school, I still had the baby. Your kids don't need to see you break down. That's no bueno. They're still babies. They don't need to know that you're stressed or at your wit's end (until you make them go play fetch in the back yard--- a sure sign that Mama has SNAPPED!). But I was given the sage wisdom from one of the best single mother's that I know to just lock myself in the bathroom and let it all out. Unfortunately for me, my middle child figured out how to unlock the bathroom door and found me unravelled on the cold floor and asked "is it because you pooped and we're out of toilet paper? because I know where some is..." *smh*
7. Introduce them to GOOD music. Whatever you think is "good", let them jam out. Because whatever they listen to now is what your grandchildren will listen to, and what you will eventually have to listen to coming from their little mouths. My daughter does a great rendition of Harper Valley PTA. My grandchildren will be singing Travis Tritt and Blackhawk to me at some point. I look forward to that.
8. Dance. We do that A LOT around here. My kids love to see me let go and just be silly. Aaaaaaand I burn some calories. Win/Win.
9. Feel free to SUCK. That's how you DON'T suck--- accept that you're gonna screw up from time to time. We ALL do. The best parents (single, married, remarried, gay, lesbian, WHATEVER) suck. Day in and day out. Some times MULTIPLE times a day. I've messed up this parenting thing I think 5 times today already. It happens. Don't feel like cooking? Don't. Ramen Noodles are awesome. And the kids love them. Lunchables are great, as well. Or, heck, cereal. They'll thank you. Really.
10. Love. That's really the most important. Just love them. With everything you have, love those babies. As long as you do that, you can't mess up too bad.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
my baby
It's not even 6 a.m. yet and I've been up for more than 2 1/2 hours. Can't sleep. My baby has surgery tomorrow and his pre-op appointment is in just 4 hours. I'm already a nervous wreck.
He's my baby. Yes, I am aware that I have a son younger than Carter, but Carter was my baby longer than anyone else. He was my first son. The first person to show me the bond between a mother and her baby boy. The kid drives me BANANAS. But, he's mine. And I love him more than life. I wish with all of my heart that it could be me on that operating table. It's just a simple, routine tonsillectomy and he NEEDS it done. But I know he's going to hurt after, and that breaks my heart.
For the moment, he's excited. He knows he'll get lots of jello and ice cream and popsicles after. He also knows that he got to choose what we're eating for dinner tonight (fried chicken fingers and potato salad) and that Mr. Chad will be here. That makes him happy. He's a special little boy and I love him with my entire heart. I'm just ready for this to be over with so he can get "all better" already.
He's my baby. Yes, I am aware that I have a son younger than Carter, but Carter was my baby longer than anyone else. He was my first son. The first person to show me the bond between a mother and her baby boy. The kid drives me BANANAS. But, he's mine. And I love him more than life. I wish with all of my heart that it could be me on that operating table. It's just a simple, routine tonsillectomy and he NEEDS it done. But I know he's going to hurt after, and that breaks my heart.
For the moment, he's excited. He knows he'll get lots of jello and ice cream and popsicles after. He also knows that he got to choose what we're eating for dinner tonight (fried chicken fingers and potato salad) and that Mr. Chad will be here. That makes him happy. He's a special little boy and I love him with my entire heart. I'm just ready for this to be over with so he can get "all better" already.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
... today's thoughts...
"I write because I never know how I feel until I've read the words I've written." Or something like that. I don't remember the exact quote and quite frankly I'm too lazy to look it up (despite the fact that I found the quote last night on Pinterest and I currently have a Pinterest tab open in my browser). I like that. That's absolutely how it happens for me the majority of the time. See, I'm a planner- but I'm not. I like to have a plan. To know what's going to happen and when. I don't like for things to feel out of my control. Like, if someone says "I'm gonna swing by later"... well, WHEN later? Because to some people "later" might mean in 10-15 minutes (to me, that would be "a few"), but to others it would mean HOURS later, which would give me time to do more stuff. Or to come up with an excuse for why I can't have company. ("My mom won't let me have anyone over" no longer works. I'm the mom. The reality is- my apartment is a mess. That's it. Oh, and I would have to get dressed. And I'm probably still in my pajamas.) Or vacations. I like to know exactly where we're going in enough time to not have to stress last minute about details. Or with my business. When it comes to planning sessions, I like to know ahead of time exactly what my "vision" is for a certain session.
But, my writing is for me. For me, alone. If someone gets something out of it, I'm ecstatic. I love knowing that someone has read my blog (even if it's only one person) and can relate to something or is entertained by something. But, essentially, it's for me. And for my children and future grand-children. So they will know who I was as a person. But, I can't plan my writing. I over-analyze my words and take apart and rearrange posts until they are merely a shadow of what they once were. So, half the time when I write, I don't even know what I plan to write about. I just sit down at my computer and let my fingers go. There's something so therapeutic for me... the continuous click, click, clicking coming from the keyboard. The way my fingers know exactly what order to move in. Almost like a dance. That probably doesn't even make sense to many of you. But I think some other bloggers out there will get it. I don't have to worry too much about what I say, or for how long I say it. No one is paying me to write. It's not for a grade (however, I approached the majority of my college English writing assignments in the same way- waiting until the morning that a 5 page paper was due to even begin working on it, and making a perfect grade)...
Facebook asks me every day "What's on your mind?" but there just isn't enough space to write everything that's on my mind. Not usually, at least. Especially not lately. I mean, I *could* post a super-duper blog-post length status update, but no one would read it. And only a couple of people would "like" it. And I need that validation. That 15 people + "liking" my status lets me know that I'm cool. (JayKay, I know I'm cool)
But there is something that's on my mind right now. Like right this very minute. And, although I don't like to offend people, we all know that Kayla is pretty good at speaking her mind. I'm okay if we disagree on most issues. Gay marriage. Politics. Religion. To each his own. But this is something that is quite personal to me for several reasons and I'm not gonna sit back and shut up any more. If you are offended by my opinion on this, please feel free to not read my blog, defriend me on facebook, block me... whatever you feel necessary. Because it's a big friggin deal to me.
Boys don't hit girls.
Period.
I really shouldn't even have to say more than that. But (betcha didn't see this coming) I will.
I was raised in a home where I was taught that boys shouldn't hit girls. My brother wasn't allowed to hit me (even though he did). My daddy didn't even spank me very often, come to think of it. Most of that kind of punishment was left to Mama. (As a Mama, I get it. I would rather spank my children that have my husband do it anyway... if I had one)
I'm not going to get into details over my last marriage, because (to be completely honest) at some point I would like to completely erase that part of my life from my memory. I'm usually all about "relish the past because it made you who you are"... but really, it made me scared. It made me not trust men. I no longer believe that any man is as amazing as they start out having you believe because at one point, THAT man was my "dream". I wasn't perfect. Oh, I was FAR from perfect. But I'm not here to "pull the wool over anyone's eyes". Those of you who know me know that I openly acknowledge my faults and flaws. But- WITH THAT BEING SAID- I don't believe that there is EVER a case where a man should hit a woman. Put his hands around her throat. Throw her down. Push her head into a wall. Point a gun or a knife at her so as to threaten her. I don't care what she does. NOW. *That being said as well*** I'm also well aware that "bitches be cray". I got it. I know. I don't think that a man should just sit there and take it while a woman is wailing on him and being crazy and stabbing him or whatever. Hold her. Restrain her. You're probably stronger than her anyway. Get away from the situation. But it's just not right. PERIOD. She cheated on you? (Or you think she did?) Leave her. You don't need that anyway. But you don't touch her. She went crazy and called every girl in your phone and called you out on something? There are obviously some serious trust issues and you probably shouldn't be together anyway. She got in your face and said "Hit me. I dare you!" Don't. Just don't. (It's obviously a trap anyway) Boys don't hit girls. Men don't hit women.
AND THIS IS *REALLY* BAD... when people KNOW that a man has physically abused a woman and they come out and say "It's okay man, we all make mistakes. You're so strong for admitting it" No. It's NOT okay. You're still a douchebag who hit a woman. You are a wuss. I know a man who claims to be a bad ass. Thinks that people are scared of him. Thinks he holds some sort of power in this town. Yet the only people that I've seen be intimidated by him are women and children. Those are the only people I've ever seen him step up to. I have NEVER seen this man come toe to toe with another grown man. He's told MANY many stories. But nothing I've ever actually witnessed.
I can not IMAGINE a man ever putting his hands on my daughter. I can't imagine one of my boys putting his hands on a woman.
I don't get it. Do these men not have mothers?? Would they not care if their mothers were hit by a MAN?? (hm. Now that I think about it, two of the "men" I'm currently thinking about do have Mommy Issues... ) What about their daughters?? Their sisters??
I'm gonna step off my soapbox now. But, I'm gonna end by saying that if you or someone you know has been a victim of domestic violence, there ARE resources to help you. If you are in the Valdosta, GA area, you can go to valdostahaven.org or call the Haven at (229)242-1544
But, my writing is for me. For me, alone. If someone gets something out of it, I'm ecstatic. I love knowing that someone has read my blog (even if it's only one person) and can relate to something or is entertained by something. But, essentially, it's for me. And for my children and future grand-children. So they will know who I was as a person. But, I can't plan my writing. I over-analyze my words and take apart and rearrange posts until they are merely a shadow of what they once were. So, half the time when I write, I don't even know what I plan to write about. I just sit down at my computer and let my fingers go. There's something so therapeutic for me... the continuous click, click, clicking coming from the keyboard. The way my fingers know exactly what order to move in. Almost like a dance. That probably doesn't even make sense to many of you. But I think some other bloggers out there will get it. I don't have to worry too much about what I say, or for how long I say it. No one is paying me to write. It's not for a grade (however, I approached the majority of my college English writing assignments in the same way- waiting until the morning that a 5 page paper was due to even begin working on it, and making a perfect grade)...
Facebook asks me every day "What's on your mind?" but there just isn't enough space to write everything that's on my mind. Not usually, at least. Especially not lately. I mean, I *could* post a super-duper blog-post length status update, but no one would read it. And only a couple of people would "like" it. And I need that validation. That 15 people + "liking" my status lets me know that I'm cool. (JayKay, I know I'm cool)
But there is something that's on my mind right now. Like right this very minute. And, although I don't like to offend people, we all know that Kayla is pretty good at speaking her mind. I'm okay if we disagree on most issues. Gay marriage. Politics. Religion. To each his own. But this is something that is quite personal to me for several reasons and I'm not gonna sit back and shut up any more. If you are offended by my opinion on this, please feel free to not read my blog, defriend me on facebook, block me... whatever you feel necessary. Because it's a big friggin deal to me.
Boys don't hit girls.
Period.
I really shouldn't even have to say more than that. But (betcha didn't see this coming) I will.
I was raised in a home where I was taught that boys shouldn't hit girls. My brother wasn't allowed to hit me (even though he did). My daddy didn't even spank me very often, come to think of it. Most of that kind of punishment was left to Mama. (As a Mama, I get it. I would rather spank my children that have my husband do it anyway... if I had one)
I'm not going to get into details over my last marriage, because (to be completely honest) at some point I would like to completely erase that part of my life from my memory. I'm usually all about "relish the past because it made you who you are"... but really, it made me scared. It made me not trust men. I no longer believe that any man is as amazing as they start out having you believe because at one point, THAT man was my "dream". I wasn't perfect. Oh, I was FAR from perfect. But I'm not here to "pull the wool over anyone's eyes". Those of you who know me know that I openly acknowledge my faults and flaws. But- WITH THAT BEING SAID- I don't believe that there is EVER a case where a man should hit a woman. Put his hands around her throat. Throw her down. Push her head into a wall. Point a gun or a knife at her so as to threaten her. I don't care what she does. NOW. *That being said as well*** I'm also well aware that "bitches be cray". I got it. I know. I don't think that a man should just sit there and take it while a woman is wailing on him and being crazy and stabbing him or whatever. Hold her. Restrain her. You're probably stronger than her anyway. Get away from the situation. But it's just not right. PERIOD. She cheated on you? (Or you think she did?) Leave her. You don't need that anyway. But you don't touch her. She went crazy and called every girl in your phone and called you out on something? There are obviously some serious trust issues and you probably shouldn't be together anyway. She got in your face and said "Hit me. I dare you!" Don't. Just don't. (It's obviously a trap anyway) Boys don't hit girls. Men don't hit women.
AND THIS IS *REALLY* BAD... when people KNOW that a man has physically abused a woman and they come out and say "It's okay man, we all make mistakes. You're so strong for admitting it" No. It's NOT okay. You're still a douchebag who hit a woman. You are a wuss. I know a man who claims to be a bad ass. Thinks that people are scared of him. Thinks he holds some sort of power in this town. Yet the only people that I've seen be intimidated by him are women and children. Those are the only people I've ever seen him step up to. I have NEVER seen this man come toe to toe with another grown man. He's told MANY many stories. But nothing I've ever actually witnessed.
I can not IMAGINE a man ever putting his hands on my daughter. I can't imagine one of my boys putting his hands on a woman.
I don't get it. Do these men not have mothers?? Would they not care if their mothers were hit by a MAN?? (hm. Now that I think about it, two of the "men" I'm currently thinking about do have Mommy Issues... ) What about their daughters?? Their sisters??
I'm gonna step off my soapbox now. But, I'm gonna end by saying that if you or someone you know has been a victim of domestic violence, there ARE resources to help you. If you are in the Valdosta, GA area, you can go to valdostahaven.org or call the Haven at (229)242-1544
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