So, here I am at a crossroads once again. (Bone bone bone bone bone bone bone bone... now tell me whatcha gonna do when there ain't nowhere to turn?.... Sorry, I can't say, hear, or type "crossroads" without thinking about Bone Thugs N Harmony. Don't hate.) I digress. The crossroads. On my own. A single mother of 3. Less than six months left in my 20's. Growing a business. Raising short people. No baby daddies around to get the kids every other weekend to give me a break. (oh, it get's tiring) I'm learning. Every single day I'm learning something new about myself or my children or the kind of life that I want. Things that I didn't take the time to do after my first divorce. Sure, I purchased the books. "He's Just Not That Into You", "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken", "How to Break an Addiction to a Person", and numerous other self-help titles. And they were helpful. I may not have applied the knowledge at the time, but I stuck it all back in a dusty corner of my mind and pulled little snippets out when someone came to me for relationship advice. {Yes, it's okay to laugh. I am well aware of how absurd it sounds for someone to come to *yours truly* for relationship advice} But, I was so wrapped up in Kayla. I went through what I refer to as my "temporary insanity period" where I went out all the time, drank, partied... I did what people refer to as "doing me". Well, there's a big problem with that. I had two small children. I may have only been 22, but I had a one year old and a three and a half year old when Reuben and I separated. I don't recall a whole heck of a lot about that next year unless it involves my roommate or the girls I worked with. My kids were cute. I had pictures of them to show off and make sure that everyone knew that I had the most precious kids on the planet. But, if someone had asked me what their favorite foods were, I couldn't have told you. If someone wanted to know what they were "in to", I wouldn't have had a clue. I don't think their daddy would have known either. Their grandmother did. His mom. She knew everything. So did Nana. They picked the kids up from day care. They fed them. Put them to bed. THEY were raising our kids. We were being kids. Of course, we snapped out of it and stepped up. But that's time that we will never get back. I tell you all of that to tell you this- that is why my children come second to no one. I know first hand how fast they grow up and that I don't want to miss a thing. My children are now ten, seven, and two. I eat, sleep, and breathe them. They drive me crazy. I can't pee alone. Which also means that I don't get to date. Even if I'm in a relationship with someone, I don't get to go to dinner. Or to the movies. And while I was explaining this predicament to someone very close to me, the comment was made that I needed to find someone who would, rather than say "Let me take you to dinner", say "Let's find something that we can do with the kids". That kind of shocked me. I don't want men coming in and out of my children's lives. I don't want someone to offer to take my children and I to a family movie or out to pizza, just to disappear a week or three weeks or a few months down the line. That's just one more person for my kids to grow attached to that will no longer be in their lives. This person just laughed and said "You need to watch Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man."
I had seen the book before. I even picked it up once and skimmed through a good bit of it, reading the parts that I thought most applied to me. But, to be completely honest, I thought everything I was reading just sounded outdated, despite it being a newer book. The stuff in there just sounded like it would never work. This guy, Steve Harvey, was supposed to be giving us insight into the mind of a man and how to "turn the game around" and make them treat us with the respect we've been craving. Like I said, it didn't sound like it would work. None of the guys I had met or been on dates with would have made it through all of these "challenges", of sorts. Mr. Harvey was going to leave me single for the rest of my days, waiting for a man to live up to these expectations. But, once this particular person suggested the movie to me, I thought "Why not?"
Thankfully, the film adaptation was on Starz On Demand this month, so I snuggled into bed, put the two year old to sleep, grabbed a slice of Italian Marscapone Torta (which is amazing, by the way... so rich and decadent... *perfect* for fatty, sappy lovey movie night alone), and ordered the movie. I have to admit, I loved it. But, I really am a sucker for love stories anyway. {Hey, what do you expect? I am an estrogen-fueled woman in my late, late 20's} And it made sense. So, I made a decision that night that things are going to change. I have to set standards and if a man wants to be a part of my life (as well as the life of my children), he's going to have to live up to those standards. And, believe me, it has crossed my mind a few times to wonder what man in his right mind is going to want to date someone with three children... But, ya know... if that guy doesn't come around for another 20 years, I'm okay with that. Two of the most amazing women I know raised their children without a husband or boyfriend, while running businesses. So, if they can do it- so can I. But, as for the things that any future contenders will have to respect {much of which I picked up from this movie, some of which are just personal to me}
1. Excessive drunkenness will not be tolerated. I put this one first because it is a very big deal to me. I've considered this to be a "deal breaker" and so many times keep letting it slide. No longer. I really don't have a problem with drinking. I like to have a few glasses of wine, as well. And I am quite partial to vodka and cranberry. However, if you're going to drink, know your limits. We are no longer 21 and testing how far we can go. If you drink, by now you should know how much you can drink without getting out of hand. Stick to those limits. If you don't drink at all, that's cool, as well. Just saying that I will no longer tolerate a man getting drunk and out of control being a part of my life. I have three children. I have no desire to "babysit" a grown man.
2. If he wants to talk to me, he will find a way. Once you've made the initial contact (whether you ran into each other somewhere, or through a random facebook message or text message), if a man wants to talk to you badly enough- he will. If you've been texting for a few days and suddenly he disappears, it's easy to think "I'll just text him and remind him that I'm here..." or if you've been messaging on Facebook and you were the last to send a message, you could think "oh, maybe he forgot.. I should message him again." Yeah, lets not be that girl. Obviously, he made an impression and he's on your mind enough for you to want to maintain contact. Which also means that it's looking like he's not feeling the same. Excuses are just that- excuses. When a man is busy with work, school, family, whatever, he will STILL find the chance to talk to you if he's genuinely interested. If days go by and you haven't heard anything... well, "he's just not that into you". And it can be a sucky realization, but it's true. I'm the same way. If a person is *that* important to me, I make the time for them. {side note: sometimes it's because I feel like I've done something wrong and as a way of avoiding confrontation, I cut off contact. Lame, I know. But, that's kind of how I roll. I'm working on that.} So, if a guy doesn't maintain contact- we move on.
3. The five date rule. "What guy is going to wait FIVE DATES to get laid??" Well, the right guy. And, with me, he's gonna hafta wait a lot longer than that. I am not the "booty call" girl. I will not be. As far as that goes, right now, I am not looking for a physical relationship of any sort. I'm not looking for a guy to hang out with then make out. I'm just not. And if I'm talking to a guy and things start getting sexual before I feel like they should, I think I'll just cut it off right there. Because, quite frankly, if a guy that I'm not in a relationship with starts talking sexually to me, I start to think that that is what he wants- a sexual relationship. Which means that we aren't on the same page. Steve Harvey explained it like this- Ford Motor Company (as with MANY other businesses) have a 90 day probationary period where the employee has to prove their loyalty and commitment to the company before receiving any benefits. Why do we think we have to give in and let a man receive the "benefits" of being in a committed relationship with us without actually having to be in a relationship?? To keep them around, right? We think that if we're awesome in bed it will make him realize just *how* awesome we really are and then he will want to commit to the whole package. Right? Wrong. I mean, it might work. Maybe. But, probably not. More than likely what will happen is you will sleep with him, the sex will be amazing, and things will be great for a while. Then when it ends, you're left wondering what was wrong with you... why he was able to just walk away from the awesomeness that is *you*... and you feel used. So, whether you want to wait Five Dates.... Or 90 days, or whatever--- have some standards. Don't give up the cookie!! (Hey, it's what they called it in the movie. Don't laugh. Okay, laugh. I did.) Make him work for it. Don't let a guy text you asking all about your family, your career, your life, then request that you start talking dirty to him. I mean, if you want to be a booty call- by all means. Do it. But, not a whole lot of us out here want to be that. If you want something more meaningful, GET the "more meaningful" first. Because rarely have I ever heard a man say "The sex was so amazing- I have to marry her." When I hear a HAPPILY married man talk about his wife, he talks about everything that makes HER the woman that she is--- that's why he married her. I'm not setting a particular number of dates. (although, five dates really isn't a whole lot, when you think about it) But, I will not be sleeping with a man that I am not in love with. I will not lie next to a man that I'm not in a committed relationship with.
4. REQUIRE him to be a gentleman. Do you know why men don't open doors anymore? Because we beat them to it. We've hopped out of the car and are walking into the restaurant before they've had the chance to get around to our side of the car. Wait. If he starts to walk off- wait. He'll get the hint. He may be caught off guard at first, but chances are- he will open the door. And when you smile and say "Thank You", he will want to open the next door. And the next. Do not complain that a man doesn't do things that you don't let him know you expect.
5. Don't waste each other's time. I have three kids. That is not going to change. That's something that a man needs to know up front. I have been asked before "When do you think I should let him know that I have a baby? I don't want to scare him off by telling him right away."... Well, little girl, what's your plan if you tell him after you've completely fallen for him and a woman with children is a deal breaker for him? Are you going to just stop having a child. No. You will not. So, may as well get it out there. The movie brought up a good point... what if you date a guy for six months and decide that he's a keeper. You think "Now is the time to introduce him to the kids... I've seen him with his nieces and nephews and his friend's kids. He loves children and they love him. This is obviously going somewhere... So, let's do it."... and they clash. Not just typical awkward introduction "Mama's got a new boyfriend" stuff... but seriously clash? Or he realizes that he's just not feeling the whole "family vibe"?? You've both just wasted six months. Being a mom is a huge part of who I am. I am a bit of a different person when I'm not in "mommy mode"... but a man will need to see both sides and love both sides. Now, how to approach this with the kids?? That I don't know yet. I'll figure that out when I get there, I suppose. As of right now, there is no "man". I'll probably write a blog about it when I cross that bridge. ;)
6. I, personally, want a man who goes to church. Not just a man who says that he will go with me. But a man who already does. Because I don't want him to have to change his life to be with me. I want us to already have the same values. I've learned through trial and much error that when people try to change for other people, they just don't change.
I think that's about it. I mean, I'm sure there are some others, but really- this is quite a short list. ESPECIALLY in comparison to the list of more than 250 things that I wanted in a man that I made in middle school. Of course, I do have a thing for facial hair (something I just discovered over the past year.... I'm sure the hairy men of the world thank Duck Dynasty for that one daily), and would love a man who fishes... especially if he prefers salt water to fresh water.... and someone who can grill a steak like nobody's business... But, I mean, ya can't be too picky, right? ;)
Thankfully, the film adaptation was on Starz On Demand this month, so I snuggled into bed, put the two year old to sleep, grabbed a slice of Italian Marscapone Torta (which is amazing, by the way... so rich and decadent... *perfect* for fatty, sappy lovey movie night alone), and ordered the movie. I have to admit, I loved it. But, I really am a sucker for love stories anyway. {Hey, what do you expect? I am an estrogen-fueled woman in my late, late 20's} And it made sense. So, I made a decision that night that things are going to change. I have to set standards and if a man wants to be a part of my life (as well as the life of my children), he's going to have to live up to those standards. And, believe me, it has crossed my mind a few times to wonder what man in his right mind is going to want to date someone with three children... But, ya know... if that guy doesn't come around for another 20 years, I'm okay with that. Two of the most amazing women I know raised their children without a husband or boyfriend, while running businesses. So, if they can do it- so can I. But, as for the things that any future contenders will have to respect {much of which I picked up from this movie, some of which are just personal to me}
1. Excessive drunkenness will not be tolerated. I put this one first because it is a very big deal to me. I've considered this to be a "deal breaker" and so many times keep letting it slide. No longer. I really don't have a problem with drinking. I like to have a few glasses of wine, as well. And I am quite partial to vodka and cranberry. However, if you're going to drink, know your limits. We are no longer 21 and testing how far we can go. If you drink, by now you should know how much you can drink without getting out of hand. Stick to those limits. If you don't drink at all, that's cool, as well. Just saying that I will no longer tolerate a man getting drunk and out of control being a part of my life. I have three children. I have no desire to "babysit" a grown man.
2. If he wants to talk to me, he will find a way. Once you've made the initial contact (whether you ran into each other somewhere, or through a random facebook message or text message), if a man wants to talk to you badly enough- he will. If you've been texting for a few days and suddenly he disappears, it's easy to think "I'll just text him and remind him that I'm here..." or if you've been messaging on Facebook and you were the last to send a message, you could think "oh, maybe he forgot.. I should message him again." Yeah, lets not be that girl. Obviously, he made an impression and he's on your mind enough for you to want to maintain contact. Which also means that it's looking like he's not feeling the same. Excuses are just that- excuses. When a man is busy with work, school, family, whatever, he will STILL find the chance to talk to you if he's genuinely interested. If days go by and you haven't heard anything... well, "he's just not that into you". And it can be a sucky realization, but it's true. I'm the same way. If a person is *that* important to me, I make the time for them. {side note: sometimes it's because I feel like I've done something wrong and as a way of avoiding confrontation, I cut off contact. Lame, I know. But, that's kind of how I roll. I'm working on that.} So, if a guy doesn't maintain contact- we move on.
3. The five date rule. "What guy is going to wait FIVE DATES to get laid??" Well, the right guy. And, with me, he's gonna hafta wait a lot longer than that. I am not the "booty call" girl. I will not be. As far as that goes, right now, I am not looking for a physical relationship of any sort. I'm not looking for a guy to hang out with then make out. I'm just not. And if I'm talking to a guy and things start getting sexual before I feel like they should, I think I'll just cut it off right there. Because, quite frankly, if a guy that I'm not in a relationship with starts talking sexually to me, I start to think that that is what he wants- a sexual relationship. Which means that we aren't on the same page. Steve Harvey explained it like this- Ford Motor Company (as with MANY other businesses) have a 90 day probationary period where the employee has to prove their loyalty and commitment to the company before receiving any benefits. Why do we think we have to give in and let a man receive the "benefits" of being in a committed relationship with us without actually having to be in a relationship?? To keep them around, right? We think that if we're awesome in bed it will make him realize just *how* awesome we really are and then he will want to commit to the whole package. Right? Wrong. I mean, it might work. Maybe. But, probably not. More than likely what will happen is you will sleep with him, the sex will be amazing, and things will be great for a while. Then when it ends, you're left wondering what was wrong with you... why he was able to just walk away from the awesomeness that is *you*... and you feel used. So, whether you want to wait Five Dates.... Or 90 days, or whatever--- have some standards. Don't give up the cookie!! (Hey, it's what they called it in the movie. Don't laugh. Okay, laugh. I did.) Make him work for it. Don't let a guy text you asking all about your family, your career, your life, then request that you start talking dirty to him. I mean, if you want to be a booty call- by all means. Do it. But, not a whole lot of us out here want to be that. If you want something more meaningful, GET the "more meaningful" first. Because rarely have I ever heard a man say "The sex was so amazing- I have to marry her." When I hear a HAPPILY married man talk about his wife, he talks about everything that makes HER the woman that she is--- that's why he married her. I'm not setting a particular number of dates. (although, five dates really isn't a whole lot, when you think about it) But, I will not be sleeping with a man that I am not in love with. I will not lie next to a man that I'm not in a committed relationship with.
4. REQUIRE him to be a gentleman. Do you know why men don't open doors anymore? Because we beat them to it. We've hopped out of the car and are walking into the restaurant before they've had the chance to get around to our side of the car. Wait. If he starts to walk off- wait. He'll get the hint. He may be caught off guard at first, but chances are- he will open the door. And when you smile and say "Thank You", he will want to open the next door. And the next. Do not complain that a man doesn't do things that you don't let him know you expect.
5. Don't waste each other's time. I have three kids. That is not going to change. That's something that a man needs to know up front. I have been asked before "When do you think I should let him know that I have a baby? I don't want to scare him off by telling him right away."... Well, little girl, what's your plan if you tell him after you've completely fallen for him and a woman with children is a deal breaker for him? Are you going to just stop having a child. No. You will not. So, may as well get it out there. The movie brought up a good point... what if you date a guy for six months and decide that he's a keeper. You think "Now is the time to introduce him to the kids... I've seen him with his nieces and nephews and his friend's kids. He loves children and they love him. This is obviously going somewhere... So, let's do it."... and they clash. Not just typical awkward introduction "Mama's got a new boyfriend" stuff... but seriously clash? Or he realizes that he's just not feeling the whole "family vibe"?? You've both just wasted six months. Being a mom is a huge part of who I am. I am a bit of a different person when I'm not in "mommy mode"... but a man will need to see both sides and love both sides. Now, how to approach this with the kids?? That I don't know yet. I'll figure that out when I get there, I suppose. As of right now, there is no "man". I'll probably write a blog about it when I cross that bridge. ;)
6. I, personally, want a man who goes to church. Not just a man who says that he will go with me. But a man who already does. Because I don't want him to have to change his life to be with me. I want us to already have the same values. I've learned through trial and much error that when people try to change for other people, they just don't change.
I think that's about it. I mean, I'm sure there are some others, but really- this is quite a short list. ESPECIALLY in comparison to the list of more than 250 things that I wanted in a man that I made in middle school. Of course, I do have a thing for facial hair (something I just discovered over the past year.... I'm sure the hairy men of the world thank Duck Dynasty for that one daily), and would love a man who fishes... especially if he prefers salt water to fresh water.... and someone who can grill a steak like nobody's business... But, I mean, ya can't be too picky, right? ;)
