for Lent I wanted to give up guilt. it's something that i think we all deal with on a daily basis. guilt for not being a good enough friend. guilt for my children being from a broken home. guilt for maybe not handling certain things the way i should have in the past. but i'm trying to let go. i'm trying to just accept that things are what they are and even if things are my fault (and a lot of them are) just moving forward and not harboring on the coulda/shoulda/wouldas.
but there's one thing that i just can't let go of. and it's something that i've never told anyone. it's something that not even my best friends in this world knows and it breaks me down on a regular basis. i guess i just feel like i have to write about it. i don't want to TALK about it, because if i do i'll just cry. hell, i've been bawling for hours now over it and can barely see to type. but i don't let a lot of people see me like this. i just don't. regardless, here it goes.
Nana had COPD. her lungs were hardened and it was difficult for her to breathe. i knew that. i had known for a long time. i didn't know exactly how bad it was, but i knew that she used a breathing machine at night. she just wasn't one to tell a whole lot about her problems. i think she told me and my aunt jackie faye more than she told anyone, and even i didn't know just how bad things were. i think part of it, too, was me not wanting to know. we had an agreement that she would live to be 103... then when i became afraid that i would still not be ready to go by the time she turned 103, i decided that she had to live until i was 103. if i didn't know how bad it was, i couldn't acknowledge that losing her was such a real possibility. honestly, i swear, i always thought we would go together.that's what i wanted. i have never needed a person in this world the way that i need her, and i could not imagine that there would ever come a day that she would cease to exist and i would be left here.
but she was fine. christmas came and she was fine. we did the usual riding around looking at christmas lights together and driving down jerry jones to see the peanuts gang in front of that house with snoopy on the roof.... she was fine. then braydon got sick. typical december in south georgia stuff. the weather changed so much that his little immune system was no match for it. he was coughing terribly. i took him to his pediatrician and was giving him medicine, but i had also just moved into my apartment a couple of weeks before. i still had so much unpacking to do and i was now living across the street from Nana (walking distance!!) so she came over every single morning to get him in his stroller and take him to her house for the day so I could get things done. but he was sick. i knew he was sick. and i knew that Nana wasn't well. i knew about the COPD. i knew. and i was selfish because i just wanted to get the house unpacked. i let her take him knowing that he could make her sick. i didn't think about it like that at the time, but i had to know it in the back of my mind. there's no way i didn't. but, in typical selfish kayla fashion, i did what was best for me. i thought about myself. within days Nana was sick. January 1st she couldn't come over for black eye peas and ham and collards. i cooked and took them to her. but she wasn't feeling up to coming over. the next day was her birthday. i told her i would bake her a cake as soon as she felt up to eating it. the day after that, she was in the hospital. she was going to be fine. she was only 73. 73 and a day. i made the decision to let them intubate her, because that was supposed to let her lungs rest so her body could heal. so she could come home. i told them to go ahead and do it and i would be on my way back up to the hospital. i had been getting ready for church because she told me the night before to go ahead and go without her. i told her we would all be praying for her. i should have told them to wait. i should have told them that they could do it after i got there. but they said that she had a really rough night the night before and i just wanted to let her rest. i thought i was doing the right thing. they put her to sleep and put the tube in and she never woke back up. she knew i was there because her heart rate would go up every time she heard my voice. once, when i told her i was leaving, she started moving and her heart rate shot up dramatically. i stayed. i cried and i told her that if she had to go, it was okay. i told her that i would be okay. i lied. i made her sick. i let my baby go over there, knowing he was sick and knowing that it could potentially make her sick. i didn't know it was going to do all of that. i didn't think for a second that it would kill her. all my life, she took care of me. i was her favorite person in this world. i know that. i was the reason for almost every thing that she did for close to 30 years. she loved me like no one on this earth ever has or ever will again. and i let her get sick. i let them put her to sleep without telling her goodbye. but i didn't know she wasn't going to wake back up. i thought it would just be a few days and she would be coming home. the last thing i said to her before i left for the night, the saturday night before they intubated her was "you know that i love you more than anything else in this world, right?" and she said "i know". i know that she knew that. but i was always so selfish. and if i hadn't been, she would still be here.
and today is just one of those days that i absolutely hate myself because i'm scared and i feel alone and i just need her, and she's not here and it's my fault. but even me needing her like this is selfish. i just can't make this guilt go away.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Monday, November 11, 2013
2 a.m. thoughts
it's so far past my bedtime... and so close to my wake up time that i'm truly considering just staying up until i get the big kids on the bus... then locking bray in the room with me and making him snuggle all day tomorrow while i take a nap then do some more editing. that's part of the reason why i'm up so late... work. editing. it's a blessing and a curse. i love that i get to stay at home with my baby, but it's also a bit aggravating at times that i don't get "off" like most people do. (and heaven knows my brain doesn't go into "off" mode... what's that like, i wonder....) but my work schedule isn't exactly the conundrum i was referring to. no... so "crazy white girl" of me, but my thoughts are those of love... lust... relationships... or the lack thereof. i feel so privileged to be allowed the opportunity to capture love between couples on their wedding day... to photograph engagement sessions and help create save the dates... i love it. i really do. i love seeing the bride get excited just before time to walk down the aisle... then fighting back the tears as she sees her groom's reaction to her beauty... it's glorious. it really is. and to be a part of that is really something special. i love seeing people in love. then i come home and start working and as i'm editing, i can't help but wonder why it is that no one has ever looked at me like that? or maybe they have and i didn't see it... maybe i was too busy looking at something else (knowing me, it was probably something sparkly... "ooh- that's pretty..." i get easily distracted) i've been acting so tough lately... like i don't care. like i'm done with love and emotion and all of that... but truthfully, it's because it's friggin' scary.
to be completely honest... that long, slow dance with bliss is utterly terrifying to me. don't get me wrong- i meant what i said when i said that i want that. i do. i really do. i want that forever kind of thing. but what if i pick a forever and it's the wrong one (i've already done that!!) and i'm not his forever or he's so emotionally scarred from the last time he thought it was forever that he won't even let me in?? or what if i meet him and it IS right and he is perfect for me and i for him, but the timing is all wrong?? in opening yourself up, you're risking complete misery. you're allowing yourself to be vulnerable to this person who you're allowing the power to destroy what's left of you. if there's love in me left to give (and i do believe that there is so much in there for the right man), i don't want someone to kill that. i don't want them to take what's left and just discard it like last week's trash.
if he could just see me for what i am... this fragile bird who sings this big song like she's the biggest, brightest bird there is, but inside is broken and scared... if he (whoever he is... dear no one) could see that and nurture that part of me and allow me to love him and care for him as well, the heavens above know that i would spare no amount of affection to show this man how i adore him. but, what if he doesn't? (oh, but what if he does!?)
and therein lies the problem. if there is one beautiful thing in this world- it is love. if there is one thing left that is holy and whole and still holds the ability to be pure and eternal- i believe with all that is in me- that thing is love. but, dear God, if there is one thing terribly horrific and utterly terrifying in it- that, too, would be love. loving something with your entirety, all the while knowing that it could vanish within a split second.
scary.
to be completely honest... that long, slow dance with bliss is utterly terrifying to me. don't get me wrong- i meant what i said when i said that i want that. i do. i really do. i want that forever kind of thing. but what if i pick a forever and it's the wrong one (i've already done that!!) and i'm not his forever or he's so emotionally scarred from the last time he thought it was forever that he won't even let me in?? or what if i meet him and it IS right and he is perfect for me and i for him, but the timing is all wrong?? in opening yourself up, you're risking complete misery. you're allowing yourself to be vulnerable to this person who you're allowing the power to destroy what's left of you. if there's love in me left to give (and i do believe that there is so much in there for the right man), i don't want someone to kill that. i don't want them to take what's left and just discard it like last week's trash.
if he could just see me for what i am... this fragile bird who sings this big song like she's the biggest, brightest bird there is, but inside is broken and scared... if he (whoever he is... dear no one) could see that and nurture that part of me and allow me to love him and care for him as well, the heavens above know that i would spare no amount of affection to show this man how i adore him. but, what if he doesn't? (oh, but what if he does!?)
and therein lies the problem. if there is one beautiful thing in this world- it is love. if there is one thing left that is holy and whole and still holds the ability to be pure and eternal- i believe with all that is in me- that thing is love. but, dear God, if there is one thing terribly horrific and utterly terrifying in it- that, too, would be love. loving something with your entirety, all the while knowing that it could vanish within a split second.
scary.
Monday, November 4, 2013
dear no one....
lately i've been forced to think about what i want. what i truly want. i say that i don't want a relationship. that i don't need a man. that "ain't nobody got time for that". and, i mean, that's all true to some extent. i am a single mother of 3 small children. (harley would give me "the look" if she knew i referred to her as a "small child"... her hormones scare me.) i run a growing business. i like independence. i like not having to answer to anyone. i feel, sometimes, like the eternal 3rd or 5th wheel. it doesn't always bother me.... except for when it does.
see. i joke a lot. i'm funny. i act like things don't get to me. but they do. sometimes things really get to me.
"sometimes, i just want somebody to hold. someone to give me their jacket when it's cold... got that young love feeling when we're old.
sometimes, i want someone to grab my hand. pick me up, pull me close, be my man... i will love you til the end"
that's Dear No One by Tori Kelly. (it's kind of my favorite song right now)
so here's the deal. i want someone to cook bacon and pancakes for. i want someone to like me. like GENUINELY like me. someone who could stay up at night just laughing at me and with me. i want someone who wants to hold me close. i want someone who looks at me and feels like he must have done something right at some point in his life to have ended up with me. i want someone to feel lucky to be with me. (even though i will know that i'm the lucky one) i want someone with a past just as screwed up as mine. i want someone who has been hurt, because they know what it feels like and i feel like damaged people are less inclined to inflict pain on others. but, at the same time....it's scary, isn't it? because if you let someone in, you run the risk of them hurting you the way that others have in the past. and who wants to get hurt?? i know that if you don't risk it, you'll never know. i do know that. but what if it doesn't work?? what if you give this person everything that you have emotionally and they say "no thanks"? what if you're not enough? that hurts.
because eventually he'll find out everything.
my middle name.
my birthday. my sign.
where i was born. where i want to grow old.
how old i was when i learned to ride a bike. who gave me that bike. who taught me to ride it. how absolutely terrified i was when we had to take off the training wheels.
he'll learn how old i was when each grandparent passed away and what it did to me.
how much i hated missing a day of school because i was afraid i would miss out on something.
he'll know that my eyes are the exact color of milk chocolate, what every scar is from, and where my birthmark is.
he'll know my favorite books, movies, candy, food, color, and song...
he'll learn that i will never part with my yellow tens no matter how old and grungy they get.
eventually he will know how hard it is for me to fall asleep at night because my brain just won't shut off and he'll see firsthand that when i wake up at 3 a.m. it's almost impossible for me to go back to sleep.
he's going to know all about the first time i had to attend a funeral for a friend; a life taken way too soon.
he'll find out my fears, my wishes, my worries, my constantly growing bucket list...
at some point he's going to see that i tend to live in my own dream world where anything is possible.
one night, he's going to wake up and i'll be sobbing as quietly as possible into my pillow to try to keep from waking him... and i won't even have to say anything. he'll know why.
he'll know all about my first heartbreak, my dream wedding, my problems with my parents and why my brother and i no longer speak.
he will have heard all about ellie and nana and know that those losses affected my life more than any i can imagine.
this poor, sweet man will know all about my strengths, weaknesses, unsurpassed laziness yet boundless energy, and my mixed emotions.
he'll know about my love for mayonnaise , my dream of being famous when i was 5 (who am i kidding... i still daydream about it...), my need to quote bridesmaids word for word all the way through...
he'll know that i'm terrified of growing old alone, but that i'm also so terribly afraid of loving someone so deeply then not being afforded the opportunity to grow old with them.
he'll know my bad habits.
my mannerisms.
all of my facial expressions... including my pout.
this man will know my laugh like it's his favorite song.
he will have learned the way i chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget when i'm nervous, and kiss.
he will know that i laugh to keep from crying and that a lot of the time, it's simply a defense mechanism to keep people from getting too close.
eventually he will learn that i have spent more hours than i will care to admit picking out wedding flowers.
tiles for the bathroom.
paint color for the bedroom walls.
bridesmaid dresses.
he will know that i leave my clothes everywhere... and it will annoy him to no end. but he will eventually just accept that as a part of me.
he will learn that it takes me 15 minutes to order at Starbucks because i can't just order something simple.
he'll know that i organize my dvds according to which ones i like the most and watch most often, and that i check my horoscope almost daily... just in case.
he will know my order for chik-fil-a, and that i need taco bell at least weekly.
this man will know that, for whatever reason, i like my sandwiches cut into triangles and that they don't seem to fill me up if they're cut into 4 squares.
he will be able to tell that i have to pee just by the look on my face, and he'll see when i'm crying- even if i'm not shedding any tears.
he will know ALL of it. top to bottom. inside out. every little thing.
so what if i LET him and it's not enough? what if he learns all of that and just decides that the idea of kayla was more appealing than the actual person.
then what?
see. i joke a lot. i'm funny. i act like things don't get to me. but they do. sometimes things really get to me.
"sometimes, i just want somebody to hold. someone to give me their jacket when it's cold... got that young love feeling when we're old.
sometimes, i want someone to grab my hand. pick me up, pull me close, be my man... i will love you til the end"
that's Dear No One by Tori Kelly. (it's kind of my favorite song right now)
so here's the deal. i want someone to cook bacon and pancakes for. i want someone to like me. like GENUINELY like me. someone who could stay up at night just laughing at me and with me. i want someone who wants to hold me close. i want someone who looks at me and feels like he must have done something right at some point in his life to have ended up with me. i want someone to feel lucky to be with me. (even though i will know that i'm the lucky one) i want someone with a past just as screwed up as mine. i want someone who has been hurt, because they know what it feels like and i feel like damaged people are less inclined to inflict pain on others. but, at the same time....it's scary, isn't it? because if you let someone in, you run the risk of them hurting you the way that others have in the past. and who wants to get hurt?? i know that if you don't risk it, you'll never know. i do know that. but what if it doesn't work?? what if you give this person everything that you have emotionally and they say "no thanks"? what if you're not enough? that hurts.
because eventually he'll find out everything.
my middle name.
my birthday. my sign.
where i was born. where i want to grow old.
how old i was when i learned to ride a bike. who gave me that bike. who taught me to ride it. how absolutely terrified i was when we had to take off the training wheels.
he'll learn how old i was when each grandparent passed away and what it did to me.
how much i hated missing a day of school because i was afraid i would miss out on something.
he'll know that my eyes are the exact color of milk chocolate, what every scar is from, and where my birthmark is.
he'll know my favorite books, movies, candy, food, color, and song...
he'll learn that i will never part with my yellow tens no matter how old and grungy they get.
eventually he will know how hard it is for me to fall asleep at night because my brain just won't shut off and he'll see firsthand that when i wake up at 3 a.m. it's almost impossible for me to go back to sleep.
he's going to know all about the first time i had to attend a funeral for a friend; a life taken way too soon.
he'll find out my fears, my wishes, my worries, my constantly growing bucket list...
at some point he's going to see that i tend to live in my own dream world where anything is possible.
one night, he's going to wake up and i'll be sobbing as quietly as possible into my pillow to try to keep from waking him... and i won't even have to say anything. he'll know why.
he'll know all about my first heartbreak, my dream wedding, my problems with my parents and why my brother and i no longer speak.
he will have heard all about ellie and nana and know that those losses affected my life more than any i can imagine.
this poor, sweet man will know all about my strengths, weaknesses, unsurpassed laziness yet boundless energy, and my mixed emotions.
he'll know about my love for mayonnaise , my dream of being famous when i was 5 (who am i kidding... i still daydream about it...), my need to quote bridesmaids word for word all the way through...
he'll know that i'm terrified of growing old alone, but that i'm also so terribly afraid of loving someone so deeply then not being afforded the opportunity to grow old with them.
he'll know my bad habits.
my mannerisms.
all of my facial expressions... including my pout.
this man will know my laugh like it's his favorite song.
he will have learned the way i chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget when i'm nervous, and kiss.
he will know that i laugh to keep from crying and that a lot of the time, it's simply a defense mechanism to keep people from getting too close.
eventually he will learn that i have spent more hours than i will care to admit picking out wedding flowers.
tiles for the bathroom.
paint color for the bedroom walls.
bridesmaid dresses.
he will know that i leave my clothes everywhere... and it will annoy him to no end. but he will eventually just accept that as a part of me.
he will learn that it takes me 15 minutes to order at Starbucks because i can't just order something simple.
he'll know that i organize my dvds according to which ones i like the most and watch most often, and that i check my horoscope almost daily... just in case.
he will know my order for chik-fil-a, and that i need taco bell at least weekly.
this man will know that, for whatever reason, i like my sandwiches cut into triangles and that they don't seem to fill me up if they're cut into 4 squares.
he will be able to tell that i have to pee just by the look on my face, and he'll see when i'm crying- even if i'm not shedding any tears.
he will know ALL of it. top to bottom. inside out. every little thing.
so what if i LET him and it's not enough? what if he learns all of that and just decides that the idea of kayla was more appealing than the actual person.
then what?
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Dear Broken Hearted,
You're hurting. I get that. You've known him for so long... it seemed so right... how could it be over? Or maybe you just met her... even though it seemed like the two of you had been together forever... and now she's gone. How did that happen?? How did you get to this point where this person that, for a moment, had become your everything is now suddenly nothing? Maybe it was a big fall out... something happened. A lie. A fight. An infidelity. Or maybe it was little things that were adding up all along that you didn't see until you looked up and realized that they were done. They were already gone even though they were right in front of you. Or maybe it was neither of those. Maybe it was just a simple case of incompatibility. It doesn't matter. I mean, obviously, it matters. If it didn't matter you wouldn't be hurting. And you are. You feel like someone kicked you in the stomach. Like you want to throw up.
I'm not here to tell you that it's going to be okay (even though it will). I'm not going to fill you with tales of my own heartbreaks (they are too numerous to count). I'm not going to tell you that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that this one will someday just be a memory... I mean, all of that is true; yes. But, I also know firsthand (and all too recently) that love doesn't care. It doesn't care that there are other men. It doesn't care that you should be over it because she obviously doesn't deserve someone who will give her everything that you would have. Love does not understand that someday you will wake up and just be okay. Because, honestly, you don't want to be okay. You just want him. You just want her. Despite *knowing* what is best for you... I think Collin Raye said it best when he said "It ain't the mind that calls the shots 'round here..." It's not. The heart wants what the heart wants. And right now your heart wants what's not necessarily good for it. It's a vicious cycle, really. Once you start thinking you're okay, something happens... they come back or reach out, or something reminds you of them... and you fall back into first this unrelenting hope. It just won't let go. You can't not think that maybe this time it will be different... and then, when it's not different at all, the pain. God, the pain. No, I'm not going to tell you to be strong. You don't have to be. I'm here to tell you that not only is what you're feeling a completely valid emotion... it's NECESSARY. You need to feel what you're feeling now and experience it in it's entirety in order to be okay. "Hide your crazy and start acting like a Lady?" No thanks. Let your crazy out if you have to. Do whatever it is that you have to do to feel better. You need to hurt like this. You need to feel it in every fiber of your being. You need to sob until your chest hurts and your eyes burn. You need to just experience it all. Because once you're over it, you'll know that you're truly over it. You will know that there are no left over emotions waiting to sneak up on you. You will be happy to move on.... or to be single. But the most important thing is- you'll be happy. And when someone shows you a picture on Facebook of him with his new girl, you can actually be happy for him. You can think about the happy memories without dwelling on them; without hurting. When someone tells you that she's with someone new, you can genuinely think to yourself "I hope he treats her right" without wishing that you could still be that someone.
And, let me tell you from experience, that makes it so worth just succumbing to the pain.
I'm not here to tell you that it's going to be okay (even though it will). I'm not going to fill you with tales of my own heartbreaks (they are too numerous to count). I'm not going to tell you that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that this one will someday just be a memory... I mean, all of that is true; yes. But, I also know firsthand (and all too recently) that love doesn't care. It doesn't care that there are other men. It doesn't care that you should be over it because she obviously doesn't deserve someone who will give her everything that you would have. Love does not understand that someday you will wake up and just be okay. Because, honestly, you don't want to be okay. You just want him. You just want her. Despite *knowing* what is best for you... I think Collin Raye said it best when he said "It ain't the mind that calls the shots 'round here..." It's not. The heart wants what the heart wants. And right now your heart wants what's not necessarily good for it. It's a vicious cycle, really. Once you start thinking you're okay, something happens... they come back or reach out, or something reminds you of them... and you fall back into first this unrelenting hope. It just won't let go. You can't not think that maybe this time it will be different... and then, when it's not different at all, the pain. God, the pain. No, I'm not going to tell you to be strong. You don't have to be. I'm here to tell you that not only is what you're feeling a completely valid emotion... it's NECESSARY. You need to feel what you're feeling now and experience it in it's entirety in order to be okay. "Hide your crazy and start acting like a Lady?" No thanks. Let your crazy out if you have to. Do whatever it is that you have to do to feel better. You need to hurt like this. You need to feel it in every fiber of your being. You need to sob until your chest hurts and your eyes burn. You need to just experience it all. Because once you're over it, you'll know that you're truly over it. You will know that there are no left over emotions waiting to sneak up on you. You will be happy to move on.... or to be single. But the most important thing is- you'll be happy. And when someone shows you a picture on Facebook of him with his new girl, you can actually be happy for him. You can think about the happy memories without dwelling on them; without hurting. When someone tells you that she's with someone new, you can genuinely think to yourself "I hope he treats her right" without wishing that you could still be that someone.
And, let me tell you from experience, that makes it so worth just succumbing to the pain.
Monday, September 30, 2013
i have a tendency to ramble.....
it's almost midnight and i've just sat down to eat dinner. i almost didn't even bother, considering that i'm deliriously tired,but decided that (having only eaten 2 1/2 chicken fingers and 3 french fries today) it would probably be a good idea to heat something up. so i popped some left over chinese into the microwave. i'm so tired. and the baby is still awake. i can't think that he has EVER in his entire life been up this late. but, he had vaccinations today and has had a really rough day ever since (that's been hours ago now...) so that means that this mama has had a rough day, as well.
my life is not easy. it is wonderful, but it is not easy. i laugh a lot. i've been told that i laugh too much and that "everything is not funny" (amazing how long something you say to a woman can stay in her mind), and i suppose everything is not funny. i know it's not. my life is not funny. again, it is wonderful. and i love my children and i love so much about my life. but i'm tired. and i'm lonely. i'm far from alone, but i'm so lonely. braydon sleeps in the bed with me, not because he is dependent, but because i am. he's not much of a cuddler, but i try my best to make him.
my mornings start around the same time most other moms' mornings start. my alarm goes off at 6:30. that's the first alarm that tells me i'm about to have to wake up. then the 6:40 alarm goes off and i know i have to get up. i fuss with children about getting out the door on time while also trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake the baby. this is a difficult task, in itself. once the "big kids" are out the door, i start my coffee and begin laundry. with 4 people in this house, there's ALWAYS laundry. i can't even begin to give you a general rundown of an average day in this house because it is NEVER the same. but it ends the same way most every night. after dinner, harley will lay down in one room, carter in another, braydon & i in my bed. disney jr is on the tv until braydon falls asleep. then big bang theory. i don't even want to turn the tv off, because then i'm left alone with my thoughts. so much in my life that i want to change. so much that i want to get better at. i suck at housekeeping. i do. i really, really do. and i've never denied that. i wish i were better at it. i wish i were more organized. i want to be. i take comfort in knowing that i'm not the only person who is like that- that i have friends whose houses look just like mine. but at the same time, that's not helpful for me. because i hate that i am THIS bad at it. if i could pick one thing to change about myself- that would be it. because, really, i think i'm pretty awesome for the most part, other than that. i need to get another job. something with a guaranteed income so that i know how much money i'll be bringing in each week. but then i think about things like wondering how i would get done the things that i get done during the day. the client meetings, the emails, the doctor appointments. we have a minimum of 1 dr appt each week during the day that either i have to attend, or take one of the children to. and if it's not a dr appt it's an appointment of another kind. i don't have a husband or close family around to help out with that kind of thing anymore. and i understand that women have done this before me. so i don't want pity or anything like that. i'm just trying to navigate it all and i don't really know what i'm doing. i'm learning. and i'm trying. i just feel a lot of the time like i'm failing. i want so badly to be able to do this without asking for help. without a man. i don't want to NEED a man. but, honestly, i do want one. i know. i'm a serial monogamist. i'm always dating or talking to or married to someone. have been for 20 years. ever since josh. but, i just love being in a relationship. i love having someone to care for. someone to love. someone to love me back. (probably one of the reasons why i love being a mama so much) i love having someone to watch crappy tv with at night. someone to get me interested in things that i never in a bazillion years thought i would be interested in. WHO watches poker on tv? i do. i mean, i never did. but i caught myself doing it a week or so ago and he's not even here anymore. he rubbed off on me, i suppose. i watched a little baseball over the weekend. by myself. no one was making me. and i was into it. what the heck? but i like that. i like having someone to open me up to other worlds. i like having someone to kiss me. i like that a lot. i mean, of course i don't want to have to force something that isn't there. and i don't want someone who doesn't actually want to be with me. and of course, the ones who want me, i don't want (isn't that the way it goes?).... but it's not all relationship stuff. yes, i'm lonely. but there's just so much on my brain that doesn't shut off so i'm not going to sleep until 2-3 every morning. then waking up at 6:30. and even that sleep isn't uninterrupted. then my days are what they are. and i have to be home no matter what i'm doing so that i can be here at 2:50 when the big kids get off the bus. it just never stops. and i don't even know what the point of this post is. i just couldn't sleep. mainly, tonight, because i have a fussy toddler next to me. but i guess tonight i just thought i would write (ahem. type) everything that i was thinking.
i think that getting back to going to church regularly will help me with the clearing of my mind and hopefully give me a little more peace. my friend, krista, and i are searching for a new church home. part of the reason i don't go every sunday like i want to is that it takes a lot to get myself and 3 kids dressed and ready and get to my home church about 20 miles away. i would be more likely to go regularly if it were closer. we want a church home that will have services on wednesdays, as well. that's important to us both. so we will start somewhere this wednesday. i'm looking forward to that. i always feel better about my life when i'm active in the church. maybe i should pray that God will help me keep my house clean. :/
my life is not easy. it is wonderful, but it is not easy. i laugh a lot. i've been told that i laugh too much and that "everything is not funny" (amazing how long something you say to a woman can stay in her mind), and i suppose everything is not funny. i know it's not. my life is not funny. again, it is wonderful. and i love my children and i love so much about my life. but i'm tired. and i'm lonely. i'm far from alone, but i'm so lonely. braydon sleeps in the bed with me, not because he is dependent, but because i am. he's not much of a cuddler, but i try my best to make him.
my mornings start around the same time most other moms' mornings start. my alarm goes off at 6:30. that's the first alarm that tells me i'm about to have to wake up. then the 6:40 alarm goes off and i know i have to get up. i fuss with children about getting out the door on time while also trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake the baby. this is a difficult task, in itself. once the "big kids" are out the door, i start my coffee and begin laundry. with 4 people in this house, there's ALWAYS laundry. i can't even begin to give you a general rundown of an average day in this house because it is NEVER the same. but it ends the same way most every night. after dinner, harley will lay down in one room, carter in another, braydon & i in my bed. disney jr is on the tv until braydon falls asleep. then big bang theory. i don't even want to turn the tv off, because then i'm left alone with my thoughts. so much in my life that i want to change. so much that i want to get better at. i suck at housekeeping. i do. i really, really do. and i've never denied that. i wish i were better at it. i wish i were more organized. i want to be. i take comfort in knowing that i'm not the only person who is like that- that i have friends whose houses look just like mine. but at the same time, that's not helpful for me. because i hate that i am THIS bad at it. if i could pick one thing to change about myself- that would be it. because, really, i think i'm pretty awesome for the most part, other than that. i need to get another job. something with a guaranteed income so that i know how much money i'll be bringing in each week. but then i think about things like wondering how i would get done the things that i get done during the day. the client meetings, the emails, the doctor appointments. we have a minimum of 1 dr appt each week during the day that either i have to attend, or take one of the children to. and if it's not a dr appt it's an appointment of another kind. i don't have a husband or close family around to help out with that kind of thing anymore. and i understand that women have done this before me. so i don't want pity or anything like that. i'm just trying to navigate it all and i don't really know what i'm doing. i'm learning. and i'm trying. i just feel a lot of the time like i'm failing. i want so badly to be able to do this without asking for help. without a man. i don't want to NEED a man. but, honestly, i do want one. i know. i'm a serial monogamist. i'm always dating or talking to or married to someone. have been for 20 years. ever since josh. but, i just love being in a relationship. i love having someone to care for. someone to love. someone to love me back. (probably one of the reasons why i love being a mama so much) i love having someone to watch crappy tv with at night. someone to get me interested in things that i never in a bazillion years thought i would be interested in. WHO watches poker on tv? i do. i mean, i never did. but i caught myself doing it a week or so ago and he's not even here anymore. he rubbed off on me, i suppose. i watched a little baseball over the weekend. by myself. no one was making me. and i was into it. what the heck? but i like that. i like having someone to open me up to other worlds. i like having someone to kiss me. i like that a lot. i mean, of course i don't want to have to force something that isn't there. and i don't want someone who doesn't actually want to be with me. and of course, the ones who want me, i don't want (isn't that the way it goes?).... but it's not all relationship stuff. yes, i'm lonely. but there's just so much on my brain that doesn't shut off so i'm not going to sleep until 2-3 every morning. then waking up at 6:30. and even that sleep isn't uninterrupted. then my days are what they are. and i have to be home no matter what i'm doing so that i can be here at 2:50 when the big kids get off the bus. it just never stops. and i don't even know what the point of this post is. i just couldn't sleep. mainly, tonight, because i have a fussy toddler next to me. but i guess tonight i just thought i would write (ahem. type) everything that i was thinking.
i think that getting back to going to church regularly will help me with the clearing of my mind and hopefully give me a little more peace. my friend, krista, and i are searching for a new church home. part of the reason i don't go every sunday like i want to is that it takes a lot to get myself and 3 kids dressed and ready and get to my home church about 20 miles away. i would be more likely to go regularly if it were closer. we want a church home that will have services on wednesdays, as well. that's important to us both. so we will start somewhere this wednesday. i'm looking forward to that. i always feel better about my life when i'm active in the church. maybe i should pray that God will help me keep my house clean. :/
just because
just because my heart no longer breaks when i hear your name, it doesn't mean it doesn't bend a little.
just because i don't cry any more, it doesn't mean that i don't still get sad.
just because i no longer hope for a future with you, it doesn't mean that i don't think about what it could have been like.
just because i've moved on, it doesn't mean that you don't still cross my mind.
just because i blocked your number, it doesn't mean that i don't still check my phone to see if you've text.
just because there's someone new and i deny that he looks anything like you, it doesn't mean that i don't see it myself when other people bring it up.
just because i love you still, it doesn't mean that i'm still in love with you and it doesn't mean that i'm not okay.
just because i do care, it doesn't mean that i want what we had- or what i mistakenly thought we had.
just because i wanted you to be "it" and for a moment thought that you might be, it doesn't mean that you were. "it" is still out there for me. "he" is out there.
just because i'm writing this, it doesn't mean that i think you're going to care about what it says.
just because my heart no longer breaks when i hear your name, it doesn't mean it doesn't bend a little.
Monday, August 19, 2013
you may say i'm a dreamer....
i live with my head in the clouds. i've been told that for as long as i can remember. and i don't deny it. but, heck- if it weren't for dreams, we would have nothing to aim for, right? i mean, if you shoot beyond the stars and you fall a little short, you've probably still accomplished something pretty spectacular.
one would probably think that, being divorced twice before i turned 30, i would have written off marriage and being in love and all of that. aaaaaaand, i pretty much had. i swear, i had *just* gotten out of my mouth that i didn't want to date. i just wanted to do the single mom thing and not have a boyfriend or anything like that probably until the kids were grown. and, boy, did i mean it. but, in the back of my mind, there was this one guy. the dream, if you will.
my pinterest board is full of my dreams. crafty things that i could make if i had the sewing machine that i will someday have. things i plan to paint, or build, or cook. organizational tips... that's *really* dreaming big for me. ;) and, of course, like most women on this "electronic hoarding site", i have boards for my dream home and wedding... (aptly named "in da hizzouse" and {how appropriate} "...a girl can dream, right?")
in kayla's fantasy land, my home looks something like this:
one would probably think that, being divorced twice before i turned 30, i would have written off marriage and being in love and all of that. aaaaaaand, i pretty much had. i swear, i had *just* gotten out of my mouth that i didn't want to date. i just wanted to do the single mom thing and not have a boyfriend or anything like that probably until the kids were grown. and, boy, did i mean it. but, in the back of my mind, there was this one guy. the dream, if you will.
my pinterest board is full of my dreams. crafty things that i could make if i had the sewing machine that i will someday have. things i plan to paint, or build, or cook. organizational tips... that's *really* dreaming big for me. ;) and, of course, like most women on this "electronic hoarding site", i have boards for my dream home and wedding... (aptly named "in da hizzouse" and {how appropriate} "...a girl can dream, right?")
in kayla's fantasy land, my home looks something like this:
without that strange twiggy thing in the front. and smaller. i'm thinking ranch instead of split level. and more stone... and wood instead of vinyl. and i don't see rocking chairs on that porch. mine would have to have rocking chairs. and you can't see the back, but in *my* dream, the back has a big deck. with a fire pit.
inside is a big fire place. there's a fire place in the master bedroom/bathroom, as well. it's one of those 2 way fire places that's in the wall between the two rooms. and, also in the master bedroom (near the fire place) is a big comfy chair that i can curl up in and read.
i'll revamp my bedroom furniture and turn my current dresser into this
{it's actually next on my project list}
and, i dream about my wedding. i pin a LOT. but, when i dream about my home... and i dream about my wedding, i dream more about the *feelings* involved in all of that. i dream about decorating my home for Christmas... baking snickerdoodles the night before, like we do every year... with the kids running around in their Christmas pj's all excited about Santa... the smell of cinnamon wafting through the house. i dream about Sunday afternoons, cooking a big family dinner while my husband plays golf, and we all sit at the table together and eat and talk about the highs and lows of our week. i dream about having someone to come home to me, walking through the door and kissing me "hello" before retiring to his recliner for the remainder of the evening while i finish dinner and bathe the kids. i dream of someone who will catch lizards with carter, throw a ball with braydon, threaten harley's boy friends... not a daddy for them- harley and carter have a daddy. but some one who will be there in their lives, showing them what a love and a marriage and a family is supposed to be.
i dream about all of the pretty, cutesy stuff that goes into a wedding, but more than anything- i dream about the feeling of getting ready the morning of with my closest friends, knowing that in a few short hours, there will be waiting at the end of the aisle for me a man who wants to spend the rest of his life loving me. a man who, despite all the reasons he should run, will be waiting at the end of that aisle... smiling... nervous... happy. and i'll cry and i'll laugh and it will be the beginning of everything because i will know that that's it. that the man in front of me is the man that will love me eternally. {that's a long time}
my dream involves a lot of love. my dream is having someone to take care of. someone to cook for. someone whose laundry i'll wash, and whose shirts i'll have to drop off at the cleaner's because i can't iron. someone who will make sure that my tires stay rotated and oil stays changed. someone who will spend his days off of work doing things that he enjoys doing because he works so hard when he's at work, that he's earned "his time". someone who doesn't complain when i meet a girlfriend for lunch and mani/pedis because he respects all that i do. someone who will support me in my business and offer opinions and ideas and genuinely care about what it is that i do. someone who will appreciate that i want to cook dinner at home most nights, but will also want to take me out from time to time. someone who will understand that, no matter how long we've been together, i don't ever want to stop "dating" him. my dream involves, eventually, another baby. (i'm not crazy, i swear. i just love this mommy thing) and my "dream man" will be excited when we start trying. and will want to be there for important doctors appointments and will fall asleep in the recliner with the baby on his chest. he'll jokingly try to take all the credit for how perfect our child turned out (because obviously, the child will be perfect) ;)
so if i didn't have that "dream wedding" or that "dream home"... as long as the rest of it fell into place, i would STILL feel like i was living the dream. and, to be completely honest, thinking that it may not happen- that maybe my chance for that dream has passed, kinda bums me out. but, you know me... i'm a dreamer. can't seem to make myself give up.
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