for my pretty friends...

Okay, I get it. It's January. You people are on this whole "New Year, New Me" kick, and I get it. And it's reflected in the seemingly endless "pins" on Pinterest that give you a list of 50 things to do before you get out of bed to get your dream body, a miracle diet for perfect abs, pictures of 115 pound 6 foot tall models in bikinis above a fat kid eating cake imploring you to choose which you will be (for the record, I'm the fat kid eating cake)... don't get me wrong- I'm all for "bettering yourself" and personal growth both mentally and physically, but is hopping out of bed to do 50 sit ups, 40 jumping jacks, 30 crunches, 20 minutes of planking, 10 eye rolls, and 5 slaps to the face really gonna make you happy?? If so, by all means, have at it sister! But, if you're like me and you know that you will do this for a day or two then lose hope and just quit- leaving you to feel like a failure, then why do it? Why make yourself miserable? And furthermore, why can't we look in the mirror and be happy with what we see? Please, do not misunderstand what I'm saying and think that I want everyone to eat HoHos (for the record, I don't even know what a HoHo is... never had one in my life. But, apparently, they are what dimply thighs are made of) and be Fatty McFattersons... I'm not saying to quit going to the gym or running or whatever your passion is. I'm not saying that fit and healthy or even just plain skinny is "bad" or "ugly". I'm not saying ANY of that. For those of you who can get up and spend 2 hours in the gym and eat an egg white and spinach omelette for breakfast with a protein shake and LOVE it- I admire you. Honestly. Because that used to be me. I was at the gym twice a day, every day, for a couple of years and adored it. I've worked as a personal trainer, I've been on health food kicks... but even then, I wasn't happy with my body. I think, as women, we are hardwired to seek out our flaws and magnify them by 1,000. I see pictures (more than likely photoshopped pictures, but regardless) of these teeny tiny women with six pack abs and perky little bottoms, and perfectly rounded breasts (which are abnormally large for someone who probably couldn't break triple digits soaking wet) and I'm envious. I think, for a moment, "that's what I wanna look like. I can do that. With enough discipline and motivation- I CAN DO THAT." And, I suppose I could. I still wouldn't look like that, though. And I still wouldn't be happy. Because I can remember a time when I was 18, before my body knew what it meant to "carry a child", when my max weight was 94 pounds. I was a size 0. Size 2 about one week out of the month. And I ate. Boy, did I eat. I was blessed with the Shealey metabolism which meant that I could eat a Super Sonic Cheeseburger, a foot long Chili Cheese Coney with extra cheese, a Coconut Creme Pie milkshake, and have a Coke with it and not gain a single pound. I was a skinny girl. People told me all the time "I would kill to be able to eat like you do and stay so tiny!!" I didn't realize what a blessing my metabolism was because it was all I knew. I had been like this from the day I was born. I, honestly, thought that everyone had the same ability to eat what they wanted and not gain weight so if they were overweight, it was their fault. I didn't know why, I just knew that it was. That was ignorant. But, even then, I didn't like the way I looked. I had NO BUTT (I know, hard to believe, but believe me... it's true), no curves whatsoever and I was jealous of those who looked like what I thought a "real woman" should look like. Now, this is where I suppose I'm supposed to say that I then had my first child and it all went downhill. I gained a massive amount of weight and have never gotten rid of the bulk of it. But, that's not the case. Actually, even though I gained a whopping SIXTY pounds while pregnant with Harley, I lost the majority of it fairly easily. I was breastfeeding, so the weight kind of just melted away. But, this is where the problem came in... I was terrified of being "skinny" again. I didn't want to be that tiny. I liked my new-found curves. I had a butt, for the first time in my life. To me, my ideal weight was around 120 and I didn't want to get below that. I remember stepping on the scale on day and seeing 121 and ran to the kitchen to eat everything I could find. I just knew that if I didn't, I would keep losing weight and that thought was really scary to me. I was tired of being told that I needed to "eat a cheeseburger", even though I had just eaten two. My issue was different from most girls in that I still saw "skinny" when I looked in the mirror, when in reality I was just fine. I didn't like "skinny". With each child, my metabolism has slowed a little more, to the point where I started to see myself as overweight. And, in reality, I never really saw myself as overweight until a very close friend of mine made a comment in front of me to someone else saying "Kayla is the only person that I know who can stay skinny an entire pregnancy, then blow up after the baby is born".... and that stung. Probably because it was true. I had only gained 6 pounds during my pregnancy with Braydon... but, after he was born I wasn't able to breastfeed for more than a few weeks for reasons related to sterilization surgery & pain medication, but the weight was slowly adding up. I was grazing all day, but not on healthy stuff. I'm from the south and we like butter and gravy and all kinds of stuff that will pile it on. When I cook, I go big. And, then I eat big. And I love my cooking so much, that I'll eat it all day. If that means that I have a big bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy for breakfast- so be it. (then again at lunch... and dinner... with oreos in between). So, by the time by baby was 6 months old, I weighed ten pounds more than I had the day he was born. (and on a 5'4" frame, ten pounds is fairly substantial... especially when there's no baby bump to hide it.) Truthfully, at the time, I thought she was just being a bitch. I knew what the scale said, but I was in denial that I was really gaining a significant amount of weight. Ten pounds... that could be water weight, right? (wrong.) Despite the fact that my pants were getting tighter, I still saw "skinny" in the mirror (I'm telling you, people, it sounds great, but that is not a good problem to have. Quite embarrassing, actually). The big moment of truth, for me, was at the end of April... after two weddings & I'm going through the photos to be edited, looking at the ones of myself thinking "I am NOT that big... why do I look that big in these pictures?" Now, don't get me wrong, I have never been what most consider to be "big", but what I was seeing in these pictures was not what I had been seeing in the mirror. And I knew that I had actually put on a few MORE pounds since these photos had been taken. So..... I knew I had to do something. I didn't go on some big crash diet. I drank a lot more water, had a lean cuisine or smart ones for lunch, and pretty much ate whatever I wanted for breakfast and dinner. I tried to be more active. Mainly going for walks in the afternoon, pushing the baby in the stroller. That was it. No more oreos... well, at least not a whole row of oreos. ;) I didn't give up the foods that I loved, because I knew that I could still have them at dinner (when I was most likely to over indulge, or eat with friends, or want a 1,000 calorie drink). I didn't work out to the point where I wanted to drop. Therefor, I didn't feel like a failure if I skipped a day or two. Because it wasn't a big adjustment to get right back in. What I did to "slim down" a little fit my personal lifestyle. I like food & I know I'm not going to give up eating what I love. I no longer care to spend time in the gym- I would rather be writing, or taking pictures, or playing with my baby, or (admittedly) watching the Kardashians on my dvr... Some call it lazy, I call it Me. So, maybe I'm lazy. (Okay, I am.) My point is this- even though I lost an amazing 20 pounds doing very little, I've gained some of it back.... and I'm not happy about it and will probably go back to what I was doing before and lose it again. Because that was a lifestyle change that worked for me. But, I'm not going to obsess over it. I get jealous when I see the skinny models. I am envious of my friends who can wear skin tight dresses and look super hot, when I can't... but, even when I was a "skinny girl"- I wasn't happy with the way I looked. When I was 120 pounds- I obsessed over my weight to the point where it became unhealthy, therefor I was unable to be happy with the way I looked. When I was a Hooters Girl and wore those super tiny orange shorts, I compared myself to all of the 18 & 19 year old kids I was working with and (even though I was at the gym every day!!) I still didn't like the way I looked. I was never as "in shape" as the girl next to me. And, now... I look back at pictures from each of those stages in my life and I see such insecurity. I've always been very extroverted and seemingly confident, but I suppose it was really just an act because I've never really considered myself a pretty girl. I still am not very good at taking compliments (although I do love them), but I am able to see something now that I didn't before. At the risk of sounding like Christina Aguilera- I am beautiful. I am. I'm not physically perfect, but I am beautiful. I have a big heart, but even on the outside--- I know that if I don't appreciate where I'm at right now, ten years from now I'm going to look back & want to kick myself thinking that I should have realized how beautiful I really was. (I know that, because that's the way I look at pictures of myself from 6 years ago, in those orange shorts... I was in a lot better shape than I realized). I just want you all to go look in the mirror. Seriously, do it. At some point today just go look in the mirror (a full-length on, preferably) and pick yourself apart. But, differently than you usually do. Instead of picking apart all of the bad things, think about all of the many little things that make you so beautiful. It doesn't make you cocky. These things are  YOU. And in order to be the confident woman that you can be, you need to recognize just how beautiful you really are. Think about something that maybe a man has complimented you on before. Even if you dismissed it. Think about that body part and dwell on that for a minute. That is beautiful. For me, it's my back. Most guys compliment my butt. It happens. Heck, I like my big ole backside. It's part of me, and part of what gives me my confidence. (I prayed for this butt... seriously. Such a silly thing to pray for, but I did.) But, once, I had a man that I was seeing tell me that I had a beautiful back... I thought it was ridiculous. Who compliments someone's back?? But, when I was searching, TRYING to find something (other than my rear) that I thought was beautiful, I recalled those words... and now I've come to love it. My back is beautiful. So, my stomach is imperfect. I'm not going to have a six pack. I know that. I'm not going to put forth the work that it takes to get it. That's fine. But, I also have pretty nice legs. The thighs, maybe not so much... but all in all, my legs look great in a dress and heels. Maybe you have AMAZING eyes, or even eyebrows. Maybe you have gorgeous full lips, or cheeks full of freckles, or perfectly shaped shoulders. Or maybe it's your back, or your hair, or your crooked smile. Heck, I even love my belly button. FIND things about yourself that you LOVE. And make a list. Write these things down, and tell yourself that you're beautiful. Because you are. I tell myself all the time that I have some of the prettiest friends out there. And I do. But, it doesn't do much good for me to know it. YOU have to know it. Yes, it's cheesy and cliche... but YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.   I would LOVE to hear some of the things that you know make you beautiful!!!

20 questions

There's a link i found on Pinterest to a mommy blog where the mother put together a book of "20 questions" to be answered by her children each year on their birthday, beginning with their third birthday. Obviously, before their third birthday, a child can not adequately express their likes/dislikes... and let's face it- it's much more adorable when the child puts the answers in their own words. that being said, i've decided to go ahead and start this with Braydon. I know, his birthday was four months ago. And, I am also aware that the answers I'm giving are just what *I* think his answers would be if he could actually answer me. So... here ya go.

20 Questions: Braydon Fisher Brooks

1. What is your favorite color? ummmm.... okay, this I actually do not know. so far, he has not shown any color preference at all. 
2. What is your favorite toy? this is easy- balls. the kid loves balls. big balls, little balls. heck, even a head of lettuce in Winn Dixie became a ball the other day.
3. What is your favorite fruit? he doesn't seem to like fruit so much. when he was eating baby food, he loved all of it, but now that he's eating "big people food" i can't get him to even taste a banana. he does like apple sauce, though. does that count??
4. What is your favorite tv show? Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Hands down.
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? chicken nuggets or turkey pot pie. 
6. What is your favorite outfit? his Mickey Mouse pajamas. :) it counts. 
7. What is your favorite game? he likes to sit on my bed while his daddy crawls on the floor, under the bed, from one side of the bed to the other and jumps up to surprise him. or for anyone to crawl on the floor and chase him while he runs. pretty much anything that requires an adult getting on their knees and doing what he wants. 
8. What is your favorite snack? cereal. any kind of dry cereal. he loves O's (cheerios), jacks (apple jacks), cookie crisp, and lucky charms... but he only eats the marshmallows out... 
9. What is your favorite animal? doggies!! he finally loves our dogs!!
10. What is your favorite song? pat-a-cake, and the wheels on the bus, and the little green frog song. 
11. What is your favorite book? the elmo bedtime book, given to him by his God-sister, Gracie for Christmas.
12. Who is your best friend? Mommy & Daddy. :) ((I say especially Mommy... Daddy would beg to differ))
13. What is your favorite cereal? hmmmmm... probably Apple Jacks
14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? run, run, RUN!!! Throw the ball into the road so that he *has* to go get it... then keep throwing it further down the road & running after it. This is usually what we do in the afternoons. Gets us both outside and makes me walk around the neighborhood chasing after him. :)
15. What is your favorite drink? "juice"... which is just water with Mio in it. (usually strawberry watermelon flavor, because it's my favorite)
16. What is your favorite holiday? yeah, he doesn't have a clue about holidays yet. I have a feeling it will soon be Easter, though, because he's gonna think the eggs are balls. 
17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? his blankies. BOTH of them. he has a light tan one with a monkey that came from Gi, and a green one with a monkey that I got for him, and they are his favorites. he even walks around the house carrying one in each hand. 
18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? blueberry waffles or grits
19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday? i don't think he cares. he just loves food. but one of his favorites is spaghetti. i think because he does really well at feeding it to himself.  
20. What do you want to be when you grow up? he really has no idea, and obviously i can't say *for certain* ;) , but i'm pretty sure he's gonna play in the NFL... ;) Packers or Skins... either one will do. :D

*my handsome little man* 16 months 

weeeeeeeeee

Yesterday was such a beautiful day, that I decided to take Braydon to the park after his afternoon nap. Luckily, there is a small park around the corner from my neighborhood (less than 2 miles away), so we went as soon as he woke up. This boy LOVES to be outside and LOVES the cooler weather. 

watching the older children play

he climbed up by himself, but really wasn't sure if he wanted

to go up any further.

I walked him up to the top, but as soon as he got up there he 

decided it was time to get back down. "get me mommy" :)

trying to decide if he wants to go back up...

settled on just watching from below. :)

....and face planted in the dirt... :) he's been doing a lot of that 

lately. his feet try to move faster than his little body wants to let him.

can't say that i've ever seen a more precious dirty face.

We discovered the last time we were at the park that he is not a big fan of swings, but on this day we decided to try the slide for the first time... the whole way down I said "Weeeeeeeeee" (of course) and he was silent.. until we reached the bottom, when he turned to me and quietly, in a tiny high-pitched voice said "weeeeeeee", then smiled. :) 

s.o.s. is a call for help, right??

i think 2012 is a year of clarity and perspective for me. we're only eleven days in and i've already realized so much. to start with, had i gotten off my butt and set the wheels in motion a year ago, today i would be a lot closer to my goals than i am. and i KNEW a year ago what i wanted to do. the sad thing is, i just didn't have the faith in myself. i  didn't have people around me telling me "you can do this" or "get off your ass!" (<--- sorry, but it's what i have to be told, from time to time) i'm definitely the kind of person who needs tough love. i don't like it. not in the least. but, it's the only way to motivate me to do something. i learned that ten years ago when ruthanne (my former mother-in-law, now known as my mother-out-law) would tell me what i needed to hear, despite knowing what i wanted to hear. there are things in my life that i'm sick and tired of. things that make me literally sick to my stomach at times, but i'm the only person who can change those things. the only way for me to even begin to change these things is for me to get my ducks in a row. j has been telling me that for, oh i dunno... four years now. and i keep saying "i know, i know"... but i think i really do know now. and i'm kind of wandering aimlessly... but that's okay. i'll get there. it's not completely "aimless". i know what i want. i know how to get there... sort of. i'm learning. i'm taking notes. i'm picking peoples' brains. i'm working hard, actually. i put more effort every day into learning about what it is that i want to do that i honestly think i get better every day. that's encouraging. i've never put so much work and thought and heart into any thing (other than my children).

oh, before i go... i just wanna run something by you guys... first, take a look at some pictures, though. :)

tickle fight with daddy before bed

watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse... staring at Baby Bear. :)

 I've already posted this one, I know. But here it is in black & white.

 I'm on a huge B&W kick right now. I just love how clean it looks. 

Which brings me to my question... if you'll notice, my "logo" has changed... several times, actually. the logo, the name... all of it. I'm having a hard time with this, obviously. i've played with SEVERAL different ideas. (and by "several" I mean about eleventy thousand). I think I've narrowed it down to these. I need your input, PLEASE. 

First:  blessed. photography          i think this sounds sweet. and versatile. i like that. and it sums up how i feel every time i snap a photo or edit something i've done. just completely blessed. this is what i've used on all of my photos up until now & i like the way it looks, as well. 

Second:    kayla brooks photography              duh. kind of a no-brainer how i came up with this one. i just think the simple names sound so professional... but maybe a bit dull... which i am not. but i still like it (it's on the first two photos of this post.) 

Third:      the sitting duck photography (see the last photo for logo... complete with duck. lol)   I think this one is my favorite. not sure why. i know it's kind of random,but it's very me. 

Fourth:   shade tree photography      you know, like a shade tree mechanic... j said it doesn't sound professional, though, which is obviously the image that i want to project.

Fifth:   l'apertura studios     l'apertura is italian. it means "the opening", but in photography the aperture is the opening of the lens which allows light in... i dunno... it's complicated... i just thought it sounded kind of fancy. and i like the way l'apertura looks on the photos. 

okay, so cast your votes PLEASE. and if you come up with something out-of-this-world, puh-leeeze help a sista out. and if you're willing to be my guinea pig and let me photograph you or your children, i will give you a giant thumbs up... because that's all i can afford to give you. lol. but, i will also promise to always give you a special deal when i finally do get to make some money doing this.. :D   

i wasn't wrong, but...

i usually have no problems admitting when i'm wrong. this is primarily because i'm usually right. about everything. and, i'm not going to say that i was wrong this time either, but perhaps it's not the most right i've ever been. 

brandon has wanted braydon to sleep in the bed with us from the day he came home from the hospital. i said "no" from the very beginning. because of that, braydon has slept in his own bed, in his own room, BY HIMSELF from Day One. at this point, he refuses to lay in the bed with us. mama likes that. mama likes her sleep. mama can't sleep with baby in bed. 

however, braydon spent the latter part of yesterday coughing, so i had given him some cough medicine (the sleepy-time kind) and it had him pretty drowsy... drowsy enough that he didn't even realize he had fallen asleep on his daddy's lap. when i came to bed, this is what i found.

i almost cried. seriously. i love that little man so much. of course, when he woke up (which was only a matter of about 30 minutes after falling asleep in the first place) i promptly put him in his own bed, but i couldn't resist capturing this moment. they're so sweet when they're sleeping. both of 'em. ;)

52 weeks... weeks #1 & 2

There's a challenge on a photography page I've stumbled across on Facebook, and just for fun--- I'm gonna accept this challenge. Just for personal growth, I think. I'm hoping that by this point next year I'm able to make a little money doing what I love so much... even if it is just enough to support my habit ;)  I didn't decide until just now to start this, so I'm a week behind. But, I'm going to do my best to stick to it. "They" say that if you do something you love, you'll never work a day in your life---- and I think it goes without saying that I don't wanna work. ;) So, I don't foresee much of a problem sticking to this challenge. Photography is something that I am just so in love with. I get excited about it. So.... here we go.

Week #1: Resolution


My resolution for this year was really to just accept myself the way that I am and enjoy that I'm not going to be like this forever. To not diet. To just enjoy me in my exquisite me-ness.

Hmm. Do I love that number staring me in the face? Absolutely not. It's ten pounds 

less than what I was at this time last year, but a good eight pounds heavier than I was

before the holidays. I've been a bit lazy. But, that being said, I'm okay. I'm not saying

that I'm gonna eat like a pig and be a lazy slob. I'm just saying that I'm not gonna starve 

myself. I'm not going to give up all of the wonderful play time that I have with my family

so that I can run for 2 hours (as if I would run like that, anyway)... I'm going to try to 

look great in a bikini come spring.. who am I kidding?? I'm probably just gonna eat a little

better and move a little more and just cross my fingers and toes that I will look okay in a 

bikini by spring. :) But, regardless, I'm not going to stress about it. I'm going to just love me

in whatever shape (physically, mentally, emotionally) I happen to be in at the moment. If 

that big red number happens to go down over the course of the year- fabulous. If not, I'm 

sure someday I'll be hoping to see that same number staring me in the face.

((I wasn't happy with the way I looked when I was 120 pounds, so I may as well 

just appreciate Kayla as she is, however she is)) 

Week #2: Life

Life is messy. We all know that. So, whaddya do when things get messy?? You clean it up! :) I stay at home with a precocious 16-month old during the day. Braydon is always getting into something and there is, inevitably, always a mess to be cleaned. Thankfully, he's also at the stage where he wants to do everything that the grownups do. He wants to help. Whether it's moving furniture, sweeping, cooking dinner- Booga wants to do it all. (Which is great, because I don't really want to do any of it) He also has a little habit of taking off as soon as I get his diaper off of him and running around the house in the nude. I usually will let him stay this way for twenty minutes or so (which is usually about how long it takes before he's standing in a puddle of his own pee-pee in my kitchen). This is what you are likely to see if you walk into my house on any given day, at any given time. 

It would be impossible to put into words how this makes me feel. I made that. That kid.

And he's growing into such a big boy... Mommy's helper. Mommy's handful. But, he's still

Mommy's Baby. :)

I'm not a professional, I just play pretend...

I wanna be a photographer. Well, I suppose that I am. Just not a professional one. :) But, upon looking for inspiration (because that's all I can afford at the moment), I stumbled across a photographer (that gets paid!! just imagine!!) who owns Arden Prucha photography and I absolutely ADORE her work. But, as much as her work, I love her blog. One of the things she says is to find your own style. Don't worry about what others look for in a photographer. Take pictures of what you want to take pictures of- how you want to take the pictures- and edit them the way YOU want. If others like your personal style, they will come to you. ((of course, all of this is paraphrased.)) And I realized, I have my own idea of what "art" is. So, I'm not a professional. And once I get better equipment, I'm certain I will develop new techniques and tricks. Surely, I will grow and learn. But, I have to remember that it is MY art. MY style. MY love. I was challenged to start by taking pictures of the "every day"... grocery shopping, playing outside, eating... I haven't yet taken my camera into Winn Dixie (I WILL!!), but here's a little of Braydon's "every day" adventures. (Oh, and the name signifies exactly how I feel... blessed.)

I'm not 100% sure why, but I think this ^^ is my absolute favorite photo I have ever taken. 

These are the things that I want to capture. The things I want to remember more than anything. I don't really think that 20 years from now I'm going to care to see him sitting in a fancy chair looking all prim & proper and not at all like the 16 month old Braydon who loved suckers and stayed sticky and played "peep-eye" through the window by the door and loved to run outside with his football and picked the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms and took feeding himself so seriously. Yes, I will take more "proper" photos of him. But, these are my favorites. This is my art. This is my baby. These are the memories I will want to hold onto. 

AND, just one more.. :) Braydon made a new friend, Peyton Holder, over the weekend. Peyton just turned one & they're gonna grow up and RUN Lowndes High's football teamaround 2026-2028 ;) ... watch out for these two!! Happy Birthday, Peyt!!!! (And CONGRATULATIONS to Britini and Michael Holder!! You kept it alive for a WHOLE YEAR!!!! yesssss!!!!)