i have a tendency to ramble.....

it's almost midnight and i've just sat down to eat dinner. i almost didn't even bother, considering that i'm deliriously tired,but decided that (having only eaten 2 1/2 chicken fingers and 3 french fries today) it would probably be a good idea to heat something up. so i popped some left over chinese into the microwave. i'm so tired. and the baby is still awake. i can't think that he has EVER in his entire life been up this late. but, he had vaccinations today and has had a really rough day ever since (that's been  hours ago now...) so that means that this mama has had a rough day, as well.
my life is not easy. it is wonderful, but it is not easy. i laugh a lot. i've been told that i laugh too much and that "everything is not funny" (amazing how long something you say to a woman can stay in her mind), and i suppose everything is not funny. i know it's not. my life is not funny. again, it is wonderful. and i love my children and i love so much about my life. but i'm tired. and i'm lonely. i'm far from alone, but i'm so lonely. braydon sleeps in the bed with me, not because he is dependent, but because i am. he's not much of a cuddler, but i try my best to make him.
my mornings start around the same time most other moms' mornings start. my alarm goes off at 6:30. that's the first alarm that tells me i'm about to have to wake up. then the 6:40 alarm goes off and i know i have to get up. i fuss with children about getting out the door on time while also trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake the baby. this is a difficult task, in itself. once the "big kids" are out the door, i start my coffee and begin laundry. with 4 people in this house, there's ALWAYS laundry. i can't even begin to give you a general rundown of an average day in this house because it is NEVER the same. but it ends the same way most every night. after dinner, harley will lay down in one room, carter in another, braydon & i in my bed. disney jr is on the tv until braydon falls asleep. then big bang theory. i don't even want to turn the tv off, because then i'm left alone with my thoughts. so much in my life that i want to change. so much that i want to get better at. i suck at housekeeping. i do. i really, really do. and i've never denied that. i wish i were better at it. i wish i were more organized. i want to be. i take comfort in knowing that i'm not the only person who is like that- that i have friends whose houses look just like mine. but at the same time, that's not helpful for me. because i hate that i am THIS bad at it. if i could pick one thing to change about myself- that would be it. because, really, i think i'm pretty awesome for the most part, other than that. i need to get another job. something with a guaranteed income so that i know how much money i'll be bringing in each week. but then i think about things like wondering how i would get done the things that i get done during the day. the client meetings, the emails, the doctor appointments. we have a minimum of 1 dr appt each week during the day that either i have to attend, or take one of the children to. and if it's not a dr appt it's an appointment of another kind. i don't have a husband or close family around to help out with that kind of thing anymore. and i understand that women have done this before me. so i don't want pity or anything like that. i'm just trying to navigate it all and i don't really know what i'm doing. i'm learning. and i'm trying. i just feel a lot of the time like i'm failing. i want so badly to be able to do this without asking for help. without a man. i don't want to NEED a man. but, honestly, i do want one. i know. i'm a serial monogamist. i'm always dating or talking to or married to someone. have been for 20 years. ever since josh. but, i just love being in a relationship. i love having someone to care for. someone to love. someone to love me back. (probably one of the reasons why i love being a mama so much) i love having someone to watch crappy tv with at night. someone to get me interested in things that i never in a bazillion years thought i would be interested in. WHO watches poker on tv? i do. i mean, i never did. but i caught myself doing it a week or so ago and he's not even here anymore. he rubbed off on me, i suppose. i watched a little baseball over the weekend. by myself. no one was making me. and i was into it. what the heck? but i like that. i like having someone to open me up to other worlds. i like having someone to kiss me. i like that a lot. i mean, of course i don't want to have to force something that isn't there. and i don't want someone who doesn't actually want to be with me. and of course, the ones who want me, i don't want (isn't that the way it goes?).... but it's not all relationship stuff. yes, i'm lonely. but there's just so much on my brain that doesn't shut off so i'm not going to sleep until 2-3 every morning. then waking up at 6:30. and even that sleep isn't uninterrupted. then my days are what they are. and i have to be home no matter what i'm doing so that i can be here at 2:50 when the big kids get off the bus. it just never stops. and i don't even know what the point of this post is. i just couldn't sleep. mainly, tonight, because i have a fussy toddler next to me. but i guess tonight i just thought i would write (ahem. type) everything that i was thinking.
i think that getting back to going to church regularly will help me with the clearing of my mind and hopefully give me a little more peace. my friend, krista, and i are searching for a new church home. part of the reason i don't go every sunday like i want to is that it takes a lot to get myself and 3 kids dressed and ready and get to my home church about 20 miles away. i would be more likely to go regularly if it were closer. we want a church home that will have services on wednesdays, as well. that's important to us both. so we will start somewhere this wednesday. i'm looking forward to that. i always feel better about my life when i'm active in the church. maybe i should pray that God will help me keep my house clean. :/

just because

just because my heart no longer breaks when i hear your name, it doesn't mean it doesn't bend a little. 

just because i don't cry any more, it doesn't mean that i don't still get sad. 

just because i no longer hope for a future with you, it doesn't mean that i don't think about what it could have been like.

just because i've moved on, it doesn't mean that you don't still cross my mind.

just because i blocked your number, it doesn't mean that i don't still check my phone to see if you've text. 

just because there's someone new and i deny that he looks anything like you, it doesn't mean that i don't see it myself when other people bring it up. 

just because i love you still, it doesn't mean that i'm still in love with you and it doesn't mean that i'm not okay.

just because i do care, it doesn't mean that i want what we had- or what i mistakenly thought we had. 

just because i wanted you to be "it" and for a moment thought that you might be, it doesn't mean that you were. "it" is still out there for me. "he" is out there. 

just because i'm writing this, it doesn't mean that i think you're going to care about what it says. 

just because my heart no longer breaks when i hear your name, it doesn't mean it doesn't bend a little.